Sometimes just don't know what to say...

when all you do is wait, wait for the right timing, wait for things to get better? Until when do you stop waiting, when do you act upon those questioning feelings about why do you continue waiting?

when do you realize the leap of faith was actually a leap too far and you miss your step on the other side? when things suddenly feel short changed?

when you're not sure if you're tired of it all yet, or you should exercise more patience?

when ringing in the new year you hoped to at least hear a happy new year from that someone, only for them not to be around, and you're tired of being the one to send that message?

when you don't know when to throw out old things or let it sit under your bed until the next cleaning season? Are things expired still good?

Random Connections

So I've realized that over the past few years I've become connected with many random friends whom I had the pleasure to give a piece of my heart to (whether they may know it or not). Whether it is their personality, me annoying the heck outta them, or something else that somehow grew with me over time, I have ended up with friends scattered around the world that if I had a teleportation device, would drop everything I'm doing in a second to help them if they were in trouble.

weird, isn't it? Most people would say something similar for about family members, but while I also love my family, I've learned that my friends are also a part of me, and they have either helped me grow as a person, or completes a piece of me that I don't have.

Oddly enough, I'm terrible at expressing this in person until the moments pass and usually we're not in the same location (perhaps that's the tomboy side of me I was raised with).

Anyways, I wanted to give those people a big big hug and a warm smile. Because sometimes I really have difficulty expressing that enough.

Time Flies

The past year flew by faster than previous years. Today marked the last day of my last summer vacation during my academic life, in which was spent working. I can only see the pattern of what's to come.

I was discussing with one of my newfound friends (who subletted a room at our place for a week, but turned out to be quite friendly) all the places I've visited. It struck me that while I groan and moan about being 23, I've done quite a bit for someone my age. Traveled all over Europe, visited Morocco, bits of China and Japan, Venezuela, and soon enough, St. Petersburg, Russia and South Korea. In terms of countries, I've visited more than I can count on my hands and feet and that is much more than normal people at my age. However 1/3 of my 20's has disappeared, and I am still without fully paid career or job. Oddly enough I truly think whatever I do I'll enjoy it with my heart and nothing less. People say they see a weird spark in my eye when I say the word "space". And when I say it, I think about all the ways space applications can help people and how countries can form collaborations and further their cooperation. I revel in the political sillyness and bureaucracy involved, though I have to stick my hands through it all since space is heavily tied to politics, not science.

I remember those days in China when I would look up in the sky and see a star (or maybe it was a satellite) and upon that star, I'd wish I'd see another star. Sometimes I wonder how I didn't grow in the countryside where I could lay back on a large rock in the middle of nowhere and look up to the sky.

In A Heartbeat

Perhaps this comes from the thought of writing my 15-20 page paper right now, but I would love to pack up, take a year off, and just travel around the world and hear stories of how others live. If I only had the time and the money...I hope I will be able to achieve this in the future...

Falling in Love with Life, all over again

Sunday mornings. I woke up to a beautiful Sunday morning, packed up some readings and my new Asus EEE, and walked to the nearest coffeeshop, Starbucks. Sitting here with a pen and paper, catching up with reading assignments at my leisure, not a further care in the world. In my bag, also Italo Calvo's If on a Winter's Night Traveler. A wonderful Friday spent with a good friend shopping at a bookstore, watching a movie. A cultural Saturday spent with new people, going to see Madame Tussaud's. A wonderful Sunday, spent by myself to contemplate about life and with not much of a care in the world. Things to be done, yet it will be done in due time.

Finally caught up with friends, updated on their life. Sure, people ask me what I have been doing, and I say busy. Finally the busy world has subsided a little bit, at least until Monday comes again. But I have been in control of time. Previously my mentality has sirened "busy! busy! busy!", up until now. With Glasgow a success, more work piled on, yet I am calm. Relaxed, smiling. I can handle it all.

Glittering Eyes

I was just thinking right now, how beautiful it is when you see someone talk about what they are passionate about in life. Their eyes really do glitter up a bit more, they are excited, or have this really heartfelt tone to their voice. It really is beautiful, as I am now recalling those sweet moments of friends talking about what they do in life, or whether they just fell in love with someone. It brings a smile to my face thinking about how others are so happy. I think that's what I've seen as I was traveling throughout Europe and couchsurfing with strangers. Finding people talk about themselves and noticing those small sparkles.

Back in the United States

I've been so busy since the moment I landed back in the country, actually even before then, that I do wonder if I should put in some time to write right now. I always say I'm busy, have stress piled on me, but in general, I'm doing a lot of things that are keeping me busy and perhaps a bit stressed out, but I put it upon myself to do so and do enjoy what I do. Yesterday night felt like the only time I actually came home at 9:45pm after class and didn't do anything in terms of work, and needed that break to just chat with some friends and catch up. And not really think about space, the subject that has consumed by life. I haven't had time to really have a social life besides meeting the necessary classmates to get work done--I was so excited last week when I went out to dinner with my good friend from Bahrain, and looking forward to another friend's house party this Friday...the two social events so far not connected to space studies at all.

My bed hasn't been set up yet, the drawers in my dresser have not be re-arranged and organized, nor the books on my bookshelf. Somehow I took the lead in coordinating a 10 page conference paper with 6 people in 5 different time zones (Seattle, Montreal, DC, somewhere in Brazil, somewhere in Sweden, and Kiev). I am the project co-lead for the Space Generation Congress happening in Glasgow at the end of this month. All while job searching, taking 3 night classes, and being continually piled up with work. ahhh the wonderful life of a student. I really don't know how people do it- I feel that as I grow older, the more friends I make, the less time I have to enjoy each of their company. And I try so hard to maintain it all, ie. catching up as I'm walking home from classes, facebook, gmail chat, skype... I have to say I've been quite lucky with the conference paper team I've been coordinating to have such great people willing to put in 110% of their efforts to help out in other team mate's sections that they didn't write, trying to make it the best paper possible. I am a bit touched to say that when my Brazilian friend asked me about the name format for the paper, I suggested that we would put it in alphabetical by last name, he said, NO, your name is first.

I love my new place in DC, the roommates are nice, and we quite established that we're straightforward with each other, unlike my past roommate experience. At least this time I've signed a contract. What's crazy is that during the past 3 times I've found places online with completely random strangers and didn't sign a lease, it was the past one (which I stayed the longest) that screwed me over. I guess by that percentage rate, people in general are still rather honest.
I met up with my Israeli friend I made this summer in the program who came to DC for a few days for his job. We reminisced about the crazy times at ISU, and he mentioned how I was friends with very odd groups of people. I've noticed that a lot about myself too, as some of the people I hung out with this summer was a crazy party guy, a 40yr old space elevator guy, and an Iranian. Yet, everyone there was truly unique and amazing and I enjoyed most of their friendships. But that's how I have been all my life, usually being friends with the quirkiest people. After all, I do study space, now how out there is that? :)