Sometimes just don't know what to say...

when all you do is wait, wait for the right timing, wait for things to get better? Until when do you stop waiting, when do you act upon those questioning feelings about why do you continue waiting?

when do you realize the leap of faith was actually a leap too far and you miss your step on the other side? when things suddenly feel short changed?

when you're not sure if you're tired of it all yet, or you should exercise more patience?

when ringing in the new year you hoped to at least hear a happy new year from that someone, only for them not to be around, and you're tired of being the one to send that message?

when you don't know when to throw out old things or let it sit under your bed until the next cleaning season? Are things expired still good?

Random Connections

So I've realized that over the past few years I've become connected with many random friends whom I had the pleasure to give a piece of my heart to (whether they may know it or not). Whether it is their personality, me annoying the heck outta them, or something else that somehow grew with me over time, I have ended up with friends scattered around the world that if I had a teleportation device, would drop everything I'm doing in a second to help them if they were in trouble.

weird, isn't it? Most people would say something similar for about family members, but while I also love my family, I've learned that my friends are also a part of me, and they have either helped me grow as a person, or completes a piece of me that I don't have.

Oddly enough, I'm terrible at expressing this in person until the moments pass and usually we're not in the same location (perhaps that's the tomboy side of me I was raised with).

Anyways, I wanted to give those people a big big hug and a warm smile. Because sometimes I really have difficulty expressing that enough.

Time Flies

The past year flew by faster than previous years. Today marked the last day of my last summer vacation during my academic life, in which was spent working. I can only see the pattern of what's to come.

I was discussing with one of my newfound friends (who subletted a room at our place for a week, but turned out to be quite friendly) all the places I've visited. It struck me that while I groan and moan about being 23, I've done quite a bit for someone my age. Traveled all over Europe, visited Morocco, bits of China and Japan, Venezuela, and soon enough, St. Petersburg, Russia and South Korea. In terms of countries, I've visited more than I can count on my hands and feet and that is much more than normal people at my age. However 1/3 of my 20's has disappeared, and I am still without fully paid career or job. Oddly enough I truly think whatever I do I'll enjoy it with my heart and nothing less. People say they see a weird spark in my eye when I say the word "space". And when I say it, I think about all the ways space applications can help people and how countries can form collaborations and further their cooperation. I revel in the political sillyness and bureaucracy involved, though I have to stick my hands through it all since space is heavily tied to politics, not science.

I remember those days in China when I would look up in the sky and see a star (or maybe it was a satellite) and upon that star, I'd wish I'd see another star. Sometimes I wonder how I didn't grow in the countryside where I could lay back on a large rock in the middle of nowhere and look up to the sky.

In A Heartbeat

Perhaps this comes from the thought of writing my 15-20 page paper right now, but I would love to pack up, take a year off, and just travel around the world and hear stories of how others live. If I only had the time and the money...I hope I will be able to achieve this in the future...

Falling in Love with Life, all over again

Sunday mornings. I woke up to a beautiful Sunday morning, packed up some readings and my new Asus EEE, and walked to the nearest coffeeshop, Starbucks. Sitting here with a pen and paper, catching up with reading assignments at my leisure, not a further care in the world. In my bag, also Italo Calvo's If on a Winter's Night Traveler. A wonderful Friday spent with a good friend shopping at a bookstore, watching a movie. A cultural Saturday spent with new people, going to see Madame Tussaud's. A wonderful Sunday, spent by myself to contemplate about life and with not much of a care in the world. Things to be done, yet it will be done in due time.

Finally caught up with friends, updated on their life. Sure, people ask me what I have been doing, and I say busy. Finally the busy world has subsided a little bit, at least until Monday comes again. But I have been in control of time. Previously my mentality has sirened "busy! busy! busy!", up until now. With Glasgow a success, more work piled on, yet I am calm. Relaxed, smiling. I can handle it all.

Glittering Eyes

I was just thinking right now, how beautiful it is when you see someone talk about what they are passionate about in life. Their eyes really do glitter up a bit more, they are excited, or have this really heartfelt tone to their voice. It really is beautiful, as I am now recalling those sweet moments of friends talking about what they do in life, or whether they just fell in love with someone. It brings a smile to my face thinking about how others are so happy. I think that's what I've seen as I was traveling throughout Europe and couchsurfing with strangers. Finding people talk about themselves and noticing those small sparkles.

Back in the United States

I've been so busy since the moment I landed back in the country, actually even before then, that I do wonder if I should put in some time to write right now. I always say I'm busy, have stress piled on me, but in general, I'm doing a lot of things that are keeping me busy and perhaps a bit stressed out, but I put it upon myself to do so and do enjoy what I do. Yesterday night felt like the only time I actually came home at 9:45pm after class and didn't do anything in terms of work, and needed that break to just chat with some friends and catch up. And not really think about space, the subject that has consumed by life. I haven't had time to really have a social life besides meeting the necessary classmates to get work done--I was so excited last week when I went out to dinner with my good friend from Bahrain, and looking forward to another friend's house party this Friday...the two social events so far not connected to space studies at all.

My bed hasn't been set up yet, the drawers in my dresser have not be re-arranged and organized, nor the books on my bookshelf. Somehow I took the lead in coordinating a 10 page conference paper with 6 people in 5 different time zones (Seattle, Montreal, DC, somewhere in Brazil, somewhere in Sweden, and Kiev). I am the project co-lead for the Space Generation Congress happening in Glasgow at the end of this month. All while job searching, taking 3 night classes, and being continually piled up with work. ahhh the wonderful life of a student. I really don't know how people do it- I feel that as I grow older, the more friends I make, the less time I have to enjoy each of their company. And I try so hard to maintain it all, ie. catching up as I'm walking home from classes, facebook, gmail chat, skype... I have to say I've been quite lucky with the conference paper team I've been coordinating to have such great people willing to put in 110% of their efforts to help out in other team mate's sections that they didn't write, trying to make it the best paper possible. I am a bit touched to say that when my Brazilian friend asked me about the name format for the paper, I suggested that we would put it in alphabetical by last name, he said, NO, your name is first.

I love my new place in DC, the roommates are nice, and we quite established that we're straightforward with each other, unlike my past roommate experience. At least this time I've signed a contract. What's crazy is that during the past 3 times I've found places online with completely random strangers and didn't sign a lease, it was the past one (which I stayed the longest) that screwed me over. I guess by that percentage rate, people in general are still rather honest.
I met up with my Israeli friend I made this summer in the program who came to DC for a few days for his job. We reminisced about the crazy times at ISU, and he mentioned how I was friends with very odd groups of people. I've noticed that a lot about myself too, as some of the people I hung out with this summer was a crazy party guy, a 40yr old space elevator guy, and an Iranian. Yet, everyone there was truly unique and amazing and I enjoyed most of their friendships. But that's how I have been all my life, usually being friends with the quirkiest people. After all, I do study space, now how out there is that? :)

One Month Mark in Barcelona

So I've been in Barcelona at International Space University for about a month now. Every moment I've been here makes me feel like I'm always running out of time to do everything I want. This program pushes you to feel exhausted, yet you achieve so much out of it. The logistics aren't well coordinated and the director is a bit of a micromanager, to say the least. However, the people in the program and the lecturers make it worth my time for sure. I feel like...my knowledge of the space world and possible future endevours only continue to open up rather than be hindered. I love observing the group dynamics of everyone...so many people extremely unique that if I was not in this program, I would not have met them. Doctors, rocket scientists, engineers, all together to learn about space.

I've had a pretty up and down month. Overall most of it was up because this program keeps me so busy with just studying and partying, but my rough patch was when my roommate in DC decided to kick me out of my room in order to have her friend stay there....with ALL my furniture, clothes, etc there, waiting for my return in September. Since it was a verbal agreement with facebook contexts that proved that I would have a spot in Sept, she basically went against her word with "unfortunately circumstances change." True, but even a heads up before I left the country would've been nice...I hate when people act shady and all behind the back, it's like people don't have the guts to tell things to your face nowadays.

Well, after sulking for an hour and then trying to look for housing and becoming overwhelmed and getting depressed about it, I finally found a fantastic place downtown. I've been really fortunate to find it in an area I want to be living in and it is close enough for school. It is great to know when friends step up to help and my previous roommate (not the one that kicked me out) went to check out the place on my behalf. What I learned from this experience was that what really hurt was actually the fact I owned furniture and I had called that place my home. And the fact that I thought my roommate was pretty cool but apparently sometimes strangers are more trustworthy than the people closer to you. Then I wonder how Karma effects us in situations like this...though this was a whirlwind to deal with abroad, I feel like the results came out pretty good.

Anyways, above is a pic of the human tower event in Barcelona...well our version of it before the real castellers came into the show. :) I've been very lucky making great friends this summer.

My time in Porto

OMG, Portugal is amazing. Ok, that was not meant to make anyone jealous, but omg Portugal!! My portugese sucks (nonexistent), the landscape is soooo hilly and it was a pain getting to where I was staying, not to mention totally lost, and somehow I am speaking french in Portugal??!!! I feel like I am in some Disney dreamland for some reason when I walk relaxed on the streets thinking of singing Under the Sea with all the seagulls and looking from this French girls apartment (was first hospital of Porto) that has an amazing view of Se Cathedral at night and thinking of Aladdin (yes I know none of those films were based from Portugal). Couch surfing has been an amazing experience. I am staying at this girls place named Stefanie, who is Austrian. Her place has this amazing view of the river (duoro). She had another couchsurfer stay there, Liza, and she is a crazy hitchhiking circus troupe street performer. She hitchiked from Poland all the way to Spain and did trapeze before the string broke and she hurt her spine. Today she went out to the streets as one of those statutes and it was really cool to watch her perform. Too bad the streets of Porto were not used to street performers since she didnt earn much.Today I think there will be another couchsurfer coming...he is an independent film maker from LA and works for MTV/HBO etc. I learned sooo much just being around these people!!So I am doing well, and I was a little sad passing by the Rua de St. Katerine because of all the Zara shops and I sooo want to shop since the prices looked reasonable (compared to London of course and it is Portugal is home of Zara I think). as much as I loved London and Netherlands visiting friends, this really is amazing seeing the hospitality of strangers!

In London May 27-June 3

Currently at a local cafe/bar near my friend Patrick's apartment in Maida Vale called IdleWild. It's really nice and relaxing here, especially for a Sunday evening and bumming around all day. Fraser Anderson was here to play some nice live music- though I've never heard of him before, his music was great :)

There's this nice little party area near London City called Bricklane, where I went to Cafe 1001 off of Bricklane. There are a ton of Indian restaurants and more of an artsy scene...definitely far from the posh London scenes...which costs a fortune to go into anyways.

June 1 is the law on the London Underground, where you cannot drink (alcohol) on the tube anymore. So there was a crazy party full of police later on to keep the place under control. Some pics posted below. London is a place full of alcoholics. But which places (I suppose the muslim countries) aren't?

Two Things: I'm not sure if lately I've been thinking life is a joke or people are too gullible, but apparently people believe every word others write online...especially facebook. I can only imagine its future leading quite similarly to myspace.

Second thing: As I plan this trip for the summer, I am already contemplating whether or not to be in Thailand or Argentina for the winter. Both sound quite enticing, especially the cheap massages or delectable steaks...Am I never satisified with my trips?? all my friends do literally wonder where I am in the world. Unfortunately, there is not enough of me to go around. It would be amazing to visit Thailand and Malaysia for 2 weeks each or something. Yeah and people do usually wonder where I come up with all this money to afford all these trips...I'll have a price to pay in the long run (aka after graduating from grad school). But before then, I'm going to make the most out of it all.

This summer will be amazing. I don't know how amazing, but truly amazing. I have a lot of things to do before then, so after my nap, I'll get a good portion of it done I hope. Now to imagine, if I got that Rangel Fellowship, though I would've gotten my grad school paid for, I would've spent this summer in DC. As much as I want to be a diplomat, I'm not ready yet.

inspirations

Looking back to some of the design blogs I frequent, I get this renewed sense of discovery and inspiration. The colors really come through with brightening my day, after a full day of being inside a government building. I really admire those people, its not like you can really buy it off of urban outfitters or anthropologie, it really has a sense of uniqueness and creativity that most shoppers lack. Ok, so I do like random stuff at those stores, but I'm saying there are just some people who just buy anything off the rack and think its good and has that "down to earth" style. Perhaps I'm just really easily bored and always trying to find new means to discover myself and be creative...

Which is where it got me to consider couchsurfing this summer. What better way than to save money while traveling, meet the locals, and have fun?? It really took me a long time to mull over this option, as I may be crazy, but I actually do consider my safety despite what people think (yes yes, i sometimes don't look both ways while crossing the street and have hitchhiked before...). It is interesting to have people welcome you into their own homes, traveling strangers, to sleep on that extra couch or bed. I considered hosting my couch, but I do have roommates and I would need to consult them before I decide to invite anyone. I think I'll give it a try in Portugal. Find some couches to surf on and see what its like to learn more about the Portugese culture besides what people in Lonely Planet write. I want to have a renewed sense of life, something that DC sorta kills.



I've been eating well (had steak with a side of sauteed asparagus, mushrooms, onions, and scallops! Who needs to eat out when such a great meal can be made for less than $10??), though I should be going to yoga more often (as in, in half an hour but I'm too exhausted to make the trek. excuses excuses, I know). I think I should start taking photos of the meals I cook again...things look really tasty on a big white dish for some reason.

As for yoga, I think I'll do the 10 day trial one that's closer to where I live starting after April 28, when my big assignment is finished. I love how they have $10 for 10 day trials.

I still have 19 more pages to write out of my 50 pager. I intend to write another 7-10 hopefully tonight before I go to sleep. It helps me to write out my goals so I can visualize it and make it more concrete. Now if I can start a new hobby of digitial scrapbooking....hmmmm (and looking at the cloth I claimed to make gaucho pants into..)

Ready to Graduate

I guess I had senioritis since September. Then I got back on track and passed my classes to the best of my abilities, only to realize that I'd graduate in May instead of December. Now, with one more month, I've got 1 50-60pg paper to write GPS navigation technologies, 1 7-10pg paper on gender equality with a comparison of US and Canada, and an 8-10pg white paper on how to approach space security in the future. Fun...all due by the end of April.

Plus right now I've caught a cold that has impaired my head (as it already hasn't been impaired enough??) and wisdom teething--so each time they want to pop out a bit about once a month, I get caught with fevers. Tylenol really isn't doing its trick somehow. Sleeping didn't really help, as my eyes still hurt.

I'm just ready to graduate. I need this summer to be away from DC. Looking back on my college experience, it was fun. I've learned a lot, grew up some more, and in hindsight, could've made better friends during freshman year. I guess life takes us to weird places where I'd never imagine myself knowing great people from a tiny kingdom in the Middle East, changing myself to be more conscious of doing good things after becoming good friends with someone in my program in China, and continue to still have an amazing relationship with my best friends halfway across the world after not seeing them for 3-4 years at a time.

So this summer I'll be going to London to visit my best friend (and I suppose my 2 cousins as well), then off to the Netherlands to another friend. From that point on, I'll be backpacking (bussing) down from the Netherlands to Portugal, where I think my two main stops will be Lisbon and Sintra, then head through Seville, and on a boat to travel to Fez, Casablanca (perhaps), and Marrakech. I'm excited for Marrakech. Yes, while most people spend their money on buying designer bags that everyone owns (sorry but Coach, Louis Vuitton, and Gucci are wayyy over-rated, especially when you can get the same for double digits in China, or Chinatown. And I don't see the fad in Juicy Couture except for a few necklaces. I'm not a fan of velvet and random bling though I do like their punk look. but Vivienne Westwood tops that)--I have a travel addiction where I need to pop out of the country at least once a year. You would've imagined that I've accumulated a bunch of travel points by now, but I really do wonder why I have 5 different travel memberships and the next flight I'm taking is through Air India.

So after all that, I'll try to find my way from Morocco up to Barcelona, where I will be settled in for 2 months doing intensive Space Studies....yep. space. That's still my niche. I'm excited about how I'm transitioning quite well into the grad program, and hopefully in two years time, the recession will ease up a little and I can find a decent job. I've never imagined finding a job to be difficult, but apparently my classmate is having some difficulty in the field. All I want is doing a job that I enjoy, and to be of positive use in the world.

My observations on the word "hate"

As I've been discussing hate as well as my stephist philosophy to people while reflecting back on my recent conversations, no matter what people think I am or feel, hate is a strong word that I try not to use. For it is also a strong feeling that takes a lot of energy to hold within oneself. Love and hate are two strong emotions of two opposite ends of a spectrum that I tend not to go towards.

Then there's Stephism: a calculation that evaluates to what extent something is wanted, and how i can get there and how much energy is needed. If it wastes too much time and energy for a shitty outcome, then its not worth the time and trouble.

Therefore, if we put this into the stephism equation, hate is not anywhere i need to get to, and it takes up way too much energy. Thus, it wastes too much time and trouble to hate. Then again, I often take on the alternate feeling of indifference. If it is not something worth my time and trouble, then I have no need to care about it. People should try it sometime, it wastes less energy and when you do something, it gives better personal fulfillment.

I mean what I say and uphold my word. Therefore if I reject something or a plan, it is because I know I will not be able to make it. Flakyness isn't my style (or is being lazy quite exactly), though it seems that lately everyone around me seems to be going through a "being lost" phase. I have just learned a great deal lately about friendships and what is meant to last and what isn't. In my observance, hate isn't included in the vocabulary, and people should not be hated unless they really purposefully make someone elses life miserable. That also takes up so much energy.

Human Behaviour- Friendships are not for sale

So yeah, I decided I'll spell behavior as behaviour for now. Busy juggling my internship, schoolwork, and having a life, I realized once again how friends are either there for you or not. How shallow some friendships have been and the mere disappearance you are simply replaced. As someone who often talks to random strangers while waiting for the metro or bus or in a coffeeshop, I rather thought of myself as an inclusive person. Unfortunately, that may not be the case with some people I associated myself with.

As everyone needs a breather from intensely hanging out with a group of friends (or just one), I became busy being immersed in my 9-5 job at NASA, as the big meeting I was working on was coming up quickly. Exhausted, I'd head home and arrive at 6, make myself a meal, shower, and lo and behold, it was already midnight after going online for a little bit. Then Mondays and Fridays I try to make up for that life by eating out with my friends or simply constrained to doing schoolwork. Occaisionally I would hang out with that group, but as they are gaming night owls, they fail to understand that I have a midnight curfew and I would end up being stuck in a situation where I could not go home unless someone dropped me back.

Suddenly, I come back into this situation where one day, it became as clear that they have formed a 2 person world in this group, separating both myself and this other girl's friend. Along with the whispers and inside sex jokes, we would be eliminated in a conversation, at an apartment, and quickly waved off with "we'll tell you when you're older." As she tells her Cali friend loudly "You can't speak Spanish!!" --while Cali girl took the language for 3 years and may not be rolling out her "r's" like a cuban from Miami. Excuse me? By the way, that girl is a freshman. So as I do put up with some freshman antics who think they are much smarter than they actually are, things just get a turn for the worse and I am quite insulted, to say the least. Sex jokes or not, as I do not need to disclose sexual activities to the world, I believe I often treat people with the same amount of adult respect whether they are older or younger than me. I have never told someone "i'll tell you when you're older," as everyone should learn at one point of their lives, and if they ask, one should tell. As the girl did become my replacement in that friendship, I did not mind as that friend of mine cannot even go to the grocery store alone without dragging an entourage with him. I needed the breathing room and she filled the shoes and perhaps more.

Perhaps my friend needed some TLC, and that girl with the position with her cuban latina ways and talks 50words/sec, but by no means does that mean ignoring 2 other people in your apartment. Perhaps he has fallen for her in his depth of loneliness, despite the fact she has a bf back in Miami (which she brags about a bit too much.) Perhaps they each are in their own little world of self absorbance that they fail to open up to others, however she indulges in his request for some TLC and he responds with material goods which I never fell into because I'm really not that materialistic in the first place. As for her friend, who has quickly become a friend of mine as we are both sitting on the couch ignored from the other conversation, as made me realize- perhaps she is simply using him and getting these goods, which is somewhat wrong because she has a bf back home though the bf seems to be ok with this threesome.

All in All, my friend shall leave in May to who knows what part of the world. He will be hiding behind his computer trying to chat with his friends online, unable to strike up potential friendships - not because he does not have an outgoing personality- just his reliance on other people's friends. Those two freshman girls signed up to be roommates next semester, and of course there is that question that lingers with her anger- do I really want to room with her if she treats me like shit? Luckily it is not my problem to deal with, though I have to be part of the complaint group.

For a group of two that makes me feel like I've wasted my time and made me feel angry and miserable about the situation, I think it's about times to end this chapter. I know that friendship survives even when we're in different countries, and they are there to rely on. Don't bug me about whether I'll miss you or if we'll keep in touch like its some guilt trip. I wonder if such a friendship was mendable, as my friend's cousin (we got along quickly when he came to visit him for a month) suggested- take a long time off and focus in other areas. It's a pity for a friendship that appeared quite strong to simply die off like that. Even telling him half of what I wrote apparently didn't go through his skull, most likely of his infatuation for attention.

Unfortunately for him, friendships are a give and recieve process of actually caring about your friend and what they are going through. Not- oh another story about me and what I did today. Until that day he may one day realize the friends he has lost along the way and actually realize he was in the wrong, I don't care about getting stupid william-sonoma aprons, your expensive cars, or Godiva/Lindt chocolates. It's the thought in a friendship that counts. There are some things you can't buy, and that's me.

Almost done

So the past 2 1/2 months I've been working on this personal statement of mine and it seems that I am just about done. I've submitted my application Rangel Program already, and the final one that's due on February 4 is for the Pickering Fellowship. Chances are quite slim, but we'll see where it gets me.

It seems like this past week I've spent most of my time, waiting...in lines. Whether it be 1 1/2hr wait just to get Founder's Day Ball tickets at the Italian Embassy, or seeing Barack Obama speak at my school (luckily I cut and waited with some asian friends of mine who was in line 1/2hr earlier than me and the line was unbelievable), it seems like I am waiting. I seriously now have one class a week, yet my days go by quickly. I think half of that time also went towards my latest addiction, sudoku on nintendo DS.

Oddly enough, February 4 is also the deadline for internship applications. I'm still waiting for that darn State Dept security clearance, but in the meantime, I've got a hefty internship at the Office of External Relations at NASA. Sometimes luck requires knowing people, and that is how DC works. Sitting next to someone who works at NASA that has a nice enough position that is also impressed with my resume and can find some use for me. We'll see how the internship goes- if it goes well in the end, and I also am detailed to do some projects at the State Dept, I'll have a beautiful resume by the end of the semester and my career is pretty set. Perhaps like a friend insultingly told me "for such a godless person, you sure are lucky." I'm not lucky enough to wake up one day and figure out how to have world peace though.

Since my friend's cousin has been in town for the past few weeks, most of my time has been spent hanging around a crazy Arab that studies in Australia. He's has a happy go lucky personality, yet somehow strongly tied to his religion and family, yet quite easy to approach. Well he also requires a lot of attention. No matter how I look at the 3 cousins, all 3 are drastically different.

Anyways, it's only Wednesday...

Happy New Year!

As this new year started, I can already look forward to a better year! Honestly, as much as 2007 was nice, it was definitely intensive. Looking back, I learned a lot about myself and the world through harsh experiences and personal psychological growth. Would that be called self improvement? But in between it all, I realized I forgot a lot about myself and my past. The other day, I finally picked off all the piled junk around my piano to finally play some songs. Something that I haven't done in years, literally. It was a great feeling to be able to play the songs I once enjoyed (mainly anime songs haha and Anastasia).

It was also a great feeling to know how to exactly answer the question: What's my biggest dream? My biggest dream is to continue on with my studies in international relations and space policy in order to one day enter into a career where I can play the role of a diplomat/ambassador for the United States that works on ways to further international space cooperation between countries.

As this has once been my dream, it has never gone so far as to finally take a shape where I can understand it as clearly as I do now. Just the past 2 years, I've been asking professors where I can assume such a role, with no real answers or direction. But finally, I have found the group of people that know this area best, and I can only continue to work hard to pursue my dream. The stars have seriously aligned together where I can walk on these rocks to cross the river towards my goal. In the past I've been always shy to ask such questions as people seriously don't know what I'm talking about, but I'm looking forward to it, since I am confident this will continue be a very important subject in the future.

There's this new wave of energy that I can feel revived in my vision. Lately when I look up in the sky, I'm so happy to just see the bright stars (and satellites) up there. Just seeing them makes me smile. Haha I'm just easily amused.

Since I have all this energy, I decided that perhaps my new years resolution is to exercise! I hope I'll be able to work hard and continue to pursue my dreams! Yay! I hope I get to go to Italy and hop around Europe this summer!

Refreshed

As I've learned from one of my best friends, Pat, there's nothing better than sitting down at a cafe and working on your writings. Well for me, it was editing some of my essays and concentrating on draft #4 of my Pickering. Ideally, I would love to type up things on my laptop but the B&N didn't design their cafe area well and there are no outlets for my battery shot laptop. I can only dream of a new portable laptop until I can afford a new one. Ideally before this summer.

Perhaps I've gotten my hopes up going to Italy for my grad school summer program but it isn't difficult to dream of warmer locations being in the northeast. However, I haven't gotten my hopes up to the point that I already bought a Naples & Caprii guide, I decided I'd buy one after getting the official word whether I've been accepted or not. After browsing the lovely guides in the travel section, my mind was already seeing blue skies and feeling the warm sea while taking pictures of all the artifacts left behind from Pompeii. It was better than anything right now in New Jersey. And speaking of suburbia, land of overweight and mediocrity in educational standards, I reenter the world of community gossip.

Being that I've been living in DC for the past several-ish years, I've learned the art of observing human nature. In the capital of politics, amidst all the alcohol and schmoozing, you tend to see how well to read people, and the ironic part, how people read others. By the time I end up home for the holidays, I have perfected my smile with beer or plum wine in hand, and answer all the blatantly fake questions/concerns people throw at me to make conversation and enhance their network of gossip.

It's really sad, the circle of asian family friends parents that have amounted from my childhood only look at me as a comparison to their children's goals and my value of prestige in competition to their childrens'. After they have weighed and valued my worth with pointless questions and "concerns" of my future graduate education, they finally drop their interest in me, either finding my unwavering answers to be of bore or incomprehensible, they go back to their faux party of food. It's a little bit of a pity, these family friends I grew up with, though they walked the path they do now, had once been questioned for their career choice (of course unless they wanted to be doctors of lawyers). I was amongst those ostracized because who in the world let's their kid study abroad in Japan??? Who lets their daughter backpack Europe?? Ah yes, then they hushed their criticisms after realizing its resume benefits of having an international career as opposed to being booksmart. And the other realizing I won't privy any gossip.

Then there are some genuine people who do invite me to places because they enjoy my company and not the need to delve into other people's unfortunate events. It's really interesting to differentiate these types of people from the purposeful gossipers through mere observances. What's also amusing is seeing how people understand each other and perceive what the other is thinking of the other. Especially the psychology majors who make it even more dramatic than it is. Haha, aawwwkkwarrrdd.

It's interesting to observe this community of people, the kids that I grew up with, and the different paths we've paved for ourselves. Then to study their roots, the psychological parenting behind these achievements or hindrances. The high and low context cultures of these communities are fascinating to call as a study, which I wonder how eerily they would perceive and despise me if I told them they were mere observances of social interaction and my findings.

I Think I Lost My Best Friend To Religion

Sorta studying for my finals, but I've had a lot on my mind besides schoolwork. Most of it is quite random, but one thing that bothers me most is the fact that one of my best friends is slipping away from me. I supported her when she said she's become a christian- she came out of the closet like a gay guy, only that its for religion, and now she's been baptized, which I also supported and would of also gone if not for my 2 finals. I thought religion was a means to escape the cruelties of her parent's divorce, which happened right during the time she happened to go to college. She was happy, and as any friend should be, be happy that her friend is happy.

What I did not support was the fact that she has believed she could not tell me things because she felt I did not understand. Ok, it's fine if you like a guy who has the same Christian values as yourself, but the fact I cannot understand perhaps hindered you from originally sharing it with me? Okay, I'm an athiest, and I have plenty of other friends with religion around me. Muslims, Buddhists, Catholics, devout Christians...They have not put religious pressures on me and have respected my atheism. I in turn, respected them and take them for who they are.

Then comes Thanksgiving where we don't meet up due to scheduling conflicts. Even before then, I'd call and our usually Friday chats were suddenly curbed due to busy schedules, and she doesn't call back or let me know of the date she was going back home? What ever happened to that sleepover the first night we got back? Never happened because she fell asleep and had to unpack her room. No meeting on Thanksgiving, ok. Friday the meeting was cancelled even though I was busy and would have come back from NYC at night to meet up with her. Then to add insult to injury, she suggested we met up on Sunday morning, in the time slot right before church, and it may have been a misinterpretation/miscommunication, but before that I thought she suggested that we head to church together to meet up. Uhm...no. Well it was fine anyways, since it turned out her time slot before church also became filled and I had to be back in DC that day.

I've probably lost friendships due to religion, but this is the worst thing possible to feel that I lost one of my childhood best friends due to religion. And I know to her it was unintentional. It hurts to feel Church > Me. I don't have qualms over the basics of spiritualism and being a good samaritan. I can be slightly bitter about the church and saying it's actually evil and has brought my best friend to a land of no return but that is middle school behavior. Spiritualism is a means to help the stress through life and that is why I see people leaning on it as a pillar of support. Religion didn't work for me, and its not like I haven't tried. What makes me bitter the most is the fact there are people that can change their network of friends so much due to the influence of the circle of religious friends. Brainwashing perhaps? I don't know. Perhaps the fact some people do not have the ability to separate the Church and friends, as the same way as the Church and State.

I study international relations and this comes with human behavior, communications, and diplomacy. I know I can go back in there and still salvage my friendship. But would I want to when I know my best friend was willing to make more time for Church which is always there, especially on Sundays, than to meet up with her best friend of 13 years that she hasn't seen for 3 months? I'm not sure, as I am tired of putting most of the effort into the friendship.

Free Writing

Hehe, it's been about a month since I wrote in here. I've been insanely busy just figuring out where life takes me, I can't believe it was only a month so far. Though I have 2 finals coming up, things are a little more relaxed, though I always say I'm busy with schoolwork. I'm so used to using that as an excuse that I probably stress myself out with it and people think I'm just a workaholic.

As I've been writing up my essay for the Pickering fellowship, I need to tie in my future interests in space policy for grad school with public diplomacy at the foreign service. Honestly, I really don't know how to explain this weird interest of mine that probably came from watching too many cartoons, especially Gundam Wing. So my career advisor told me to free write a bit to see where it goes...no one would want to fund 2 years of grad school and support her career just because of some cartoons. But I am just a silly girl, it's weird how serious and mature people think I am when most meet me, but I'm just a simpleton once they get to know me. Hehe I'm totally weird.

But anyways, on the topic of how I got interested in space...I must have received astronomy books when I was younger...gone to the kennedy space center when I was down in florida and taken pictures with men in space suits. Half that trip I can remember was quite boring...I was not truly interested in getting people into space, but looking up and seeing the stars always made me wonder if my wishing on the first star i saw that night would come true. Even today I sometimes look at the stars and make a wish. Thinking back to my childhood, we always learned about the planetary system (of course plus pluto), and the different colors of the planets fascinated me. Somehow I still remember my 5th grade teacher talking about how there was a teacher that was an astronaut. I thought that teacher was someone local, with the way she worded it. It was only years..a decade later, I come to find that it was simply a normal teacher...and she died on the Challenger accident. 1986...

I have always been a fan of science, but ironically not math. If I had to say the two favorite places to learn about were the sea and the sky...the land was merely dirt where we lived and died. Perhaps I was always drawn to the unknown. President's vision for exploration a journey...of the unknown..we are all explorers.