Cured (of being lost)

Or so I say. In the past months of questioning myself, my habits, and reflecting about my daily thoughts and attitudes, I have come to the conclusion of my bipolarity during this time period of China till now. This unknown reason that engulfed me I have finally put a name to it, and in time, I learned how I was in a desperate attempt to escape reality. I know subconsciously that I needed to get out of it and return to the real world. Many attempts were made, even cancelling my semester in Japan and telling people to yell at me to make me realize. And I thought it did work; I was back in DC living a moderately content life. Yet I realized one of my mistakes came from latching onto that single meagre thread for escape.

Hanging around with one of my friends from Belgium; back during the times when all we did was bar hopping and that was the only type of conversation we had. Belgium was a land of worry free woes, one of those atmospheres of nonchalance, you don't talk about your issues to me, and I won't to you. In my mind, I thought I would never see them again, I had my own path to walk, so I didn't care much about seeing them in the future. It was only when I went to China meeting the good friends I made there, did it open up a can of worms. Perhaps I grew a heart- I actually worried when my friend disappeared for a few days without much of a notice, I dished out advice for those and their concerns and listened to other's problems. My friends and I talked about life, society, and the world around us, something that required more substance than the people I hung around with in Belgium.

And when the single meagre thread for escape finally snapped, it was like one of those slow motioned movies where the thread slowly unwinds and breaks bit by bit and whatever it was holding falls down with a thump. My mind was in this numb, nonpissed off state of depression where at the same time filled with chaos (and I suppose it was also that time of the month). I even considered xyanax as a temporary cure. Rather, I finally got out of my apartment and met up my classmate and his friends and went out. It was probably the best time I had in months- simply dancing and going out, forgetting all my past simple minded problems. It only got better as I branched out hanging out with the various friends I have and their branches of friends, talking to random intellects at the coffeeshop, and learning more about my field. Finally something in me woke up and realized how my past subconscious fears of being alone disappeared-something I thought already dissipated when my friend Zach had helped me talk it through about this panic attack while in China.

I am back to being me- no more being anxious, unnecessary stress, just wandering life as a silly simple human being. Sitting outside, watching cars roll by and people crossing the streets. There's this artsy flavour back in me, I have a world to paint red. Anyone want to join me? I'll be delighted for your craziness. :)