Back in Beijing

It's been the weirdest feeling to be back in Beijing. As I wandered across the road to the nearest internet, aka Starbucks, my sleepyness almost killed me as cars kept on honking pressing the gas pedal in full speed ahead.

I've been seeing the blue skies in one shape or form for the past few days. It has made me have a reason to believe that I made the right choice this summer to return back to Beijing. It really was a hard decision between China and Harry Potter. And EXTREMELY Difficult situation.

Anyways, the place I'm supposed to be renting for the next 2 months is quite....terrible. I mean, it's actually not a bad place at all if everything functioned properly...like the bathroom light, the hallway light, the kitchen light. Apparently my friends have told the landlord or whoever about it and they are not on top of their game in fixing any of those problems. Though they are quite adjusted to showering in the dark, the first day when they told me that, I felt like I was entering into some shithole which my good friends have called home. I feel like it's a terrible thing to call it as that, but I do like the apartment to be functioning and my roommate thought my friend (ex roommate) had told me and vice versa. I did indeed hear about a "sketchy bathroom", but in no way was it explicitly said that the light hasn't worked in there for the past several months. It didn't help the image of the cleanliness of the place after 5 people preceded to crash at the apartment over the weekend, and they were about to head back to the States, thus had all their luggage with them. Packing, plus pre and post partying at night, it is easy to say the apartment looked like a dump. Dear dear friends which I have no bitterness towards their stay in the apartment, but it does add to the image of the overall cleanliness of the apartment. By the way, did I mention the bathroom light does not work? Yes, I'm slightly bitter on that fact.

Thus, my first roommate discussion was about the rent ordeal and how I felt we were jipped considering how there are so many issues to be fixed at the apartment. Her only qualm was the need for a visa renewal, which requires a residency card, as if she does not get her visa renewed by Monday, she has the possibility of being kicked out of the country. I on the other hand, try to find a cheaper rental location, Chinese friends to help with the contract process, and ways to get everything I want in one shot without getting jipped. Being that my only worry is to make sure I make enough to balance out my debt of going abroad for the summer. It is the first time in a long time when financial issues are an immediate conscious thought. That's one thing about being in China: the constant feeling of being cheated on. I think that would be one automatic resulting in having a bitchy, pushy personality.

Me? A Pirate? Arrrgggg!

http://music.yahoo.com/read/news/43610153

So there's this issue of music piracy that's been going on for ages...only to have picked up in the "recent" years. LoL, I'm probably going to get some letter from the recording association just saying this because I do live in the good o'le US of A, but I do believe piracy is necessary for the growth of the entertainment industry and the recording industry is just being total pricks about it. Okay, then sue me. That's what America does best. Suing people. We have this thing about being total victims and receiving monetary compensation for being incompetents. It's quite sad that lawyers have commercials on tv...it really makes being a lawyer such a turn off because all they care about is money. Of course, somewhere deep inside their acidly cold heart (caused by the 3 years of law school- and 50+hr work weeks) there are some that have a something besides a brain. Okay enough with legal bashing, as I do have some friends that are lawyer wannabes. But it's all for the money, where's the life? I guess people do sell their souls in for financial benefits, but that's not really my style.

In this case of the music industry trying to stomp out piracy, well I say there's always going to be something illegal in the world. Get over it. I'd say be happy people are listening to classics and even knowing about those ditsy Blondie pop singers. If I had to pay $8 for their song, I might as well form my own band. heck we should all form our own band and swap each other's music. I seriously had this notion of forming this idea of "free music" after reading the article, who needs the in between of record companies cracking down of the freedom of copyrighted sound?

After being in China, there's this thing I learned about personal space. Or the lack of, should I say. We Americans have this love of personal space, I mean, so do I. But that also comes with the fact that we are rich overpowering arses who have the luxury of space. In China, where a good portion of what we consume might as well be labelled fake, they don't. They have plenty of pirated goods because they cannot AFFORD the real thing. If they could not get pirated goods, do you think they would be so knowledgeable about learning more of the American culture? Hence, I think not. Perhaps the record companies lose out on this revenue (which I doubt would ever profit if sold legally in China...maybe 10 years down the line when their middle class incomes can afford American prices) but the American government should be glad that they want to learn more about the American culture via watching pirated copies of Friends or Seinfeld.

Call it informal diplomacy, or even illegal diplomacy. Though claiming to stunt of the profits of the entertainment industry, to obtain monetary compensation from the poorer tiers of society only puts off the growth of the industry itself since the music will no longer be "promoted". Cracking down on the college kids, who already sell blood to afford an education, is really like picking on the weak. Those kids, plenty whom don't even have any assets and are already in debt, would have to further sell an organ to make the entertainment industry feel they are doing justice. Oh wait, or they can ask their mommy and daddy to pay for them. I'm sorry, I pay for my own college and if they sent a letter to me, I'd rip out my kidney and chuck it in their faces. Go sell that in the black market for your settlement you turds. Honestly, I'd be so put off by the crappy American music industry (if not already) I might as well listen to French pop and Latino Reggaeton.

Who needs American pop then? If we want blondies who can't sing but can do it for free, why not bring in some Scandinavians who wanna be famous? We're only supporting the ridiculously rich lives of stars and their plastic surgery. What? American Idol? That's supposed to support the dreams of the unknown? LoL, another scheme to make us watch some lame tv. When I channel surf my friend's Comcast, with well over 300 channels, I can still find it funny that I can't find anything interesting to watch.

Therefore the point of my rant is to give a good cold stare at the music industry and say "Shame on us? Shame on you!" I think there are better things to be disputed and legislated about in Congress and it's quite sad if Congress does try to pass some sort of rule to appease the music industry; then again, with the dire need of cash in our government and the entertainment industry's never-ending income and willingness to "give" and reign over the world, us normal citizens are only play puppets of politics, money, and the drive for power. It's quite pathetic if Congress does take up this lil bicker legislation as it definitely will show who wears the pants in this country, and how low the American government has fallen to.

The L Word

Lethargic, or Living out Loud? Well, that's about it for my title of the L Word.

So, I either have a million ideas running through my mind or I pass out and take several naps a day. I am on summer break, in hopes to achieve many things, yet it seems like the moment I am inside the house, I feel like taking a nap since I have nothing better to do.

It does feel a little surreal that I will be leaving in about 2 1/2 more days... Oh yes, must not forget that mosquito repellent. now that I think about it...

I think most of my friends get dizzy thinking about how much I travel. Honestly, it's really not much, but I might as well travel before I get too tired to do so. I've been breaking in my new journal, it's gonna be photo/artsy inspired. I'm totally looking forward to snapping more pics and printing them out cheaply in China. Almost forgot my goal there to be an English teacher.

Things I want to do in China:
1) Overnight Mountain Yoga Retreat
2) Weekend trip out to the beach
3) One random tourist location a week
4) Try a different restaurant each week
5) A facial every other week would be nice...
6) Someone to support my pricey lifestyle as well...lols jk.

I'm really looking forward to this different experience in Beijing. I'll really need to study harder, work harder, play harder. Oops, what was the point of this post?

My House

So I'm back in the Garden State.

It's Friday...May 11, 2007.

I will be off in another 4 days, on May 15th.

Time is getting cut shorter and shorter, as I run away trying to find some extra minutes or seconds hidden under rocks or in the lake. I find myself playing the piano again--I forgot a lot of it, the piano has not been tuned in ages, but there's this melodic soothingness that substituted for my yoga. It's been about a month since I last came home, and each time there's a slightly different atmosphere to it.

I just feel like dancing or drawing...sitting back on life and pondering about what the world means.

As I said goodbye to my friends yesterday, I realized how once again, my roots are uplifted and walking towards another journey. Some of those friends, I will not see again. Some of those friends, when I come back, will once again be changed. I will have to search high and low for my perfect little society.

Remember those years back in high school??

I was out with my roommate and her buddies last night as one of the guys said we should go to Rumors, a bar in DC, because he knew the owner's son and could probably get us free drinks. I'm more a fan of chill or fancy lounges or a place where we could dance, but who usually passes up the word free drinks?

So the guy sits with us at the table and since he was completely already drunk, he tells us how he knows my roommate's friend (or more like roommate's bf's coworker/friend/roommate). They did football in highschool together. And the guy was a year younger than the friend, who was the captain. Honestly, I could not have imagined the guy doing football, nor being captain due to his arrogant attempts of comedic relief personality. Then the drunken owner's son goes ranting off about how the year after he graduated from college (which sounded like a big accomplishment), all he did was drink, get high, and do coke. Fan~ta~stic.

But I started to look at the people around me, as I realized how we all came from different backgrounds, different places, yet as we are sitting there at that moment and our lives converged, who cared if we did sports in high school? Or a national merit scholar? Or the most popular person in the school? Yet, we allowed a small peek into our past lives, and we learn, hey there was more than 1 football team/"popular crowd"/academic genius out there, so I'm sure there were more of those people out at the bars. Ten years down the line, it would be sad if they were still riding on their high school fame and have not accomplished anything new. So we can talk about it, and it doesn't amount to much, and at the same time, those who linger on such small details of the past, well they definitely need to get over themselves. I'm not saying that the night was sour because of that event, nor anything of that sort, but I'm glad life moves on to greater achievements.

"Most of the time in our world, the truth is just an opinion"

Taken from Michael Ondaatje's Anil's Ghost. (Author of The English Patient)

This goes along well with an excerpt I read in one of those spy-detective-action Tom Clancy books where a guy (I believe it was a Catalonian or Bastian) who said the only reason the people who claim they are in the right is because they have the majority to back them up. However if the minority took hold and became the majority, that would be the new right. Well, something along those lines...I can't look it up because I read it while in Japan and that has been stuck in my mind since, and pops up from time to time. Though I'm sure that novel was well written before 9/11, it very well echoes the sentiments of terrorists who believe themselves to be freedom fighters.

And if you think about it, it is true. As well as the fact the "truth" is what we choose to believe, and those we choose to believe can be formed through an opinion. And sometimes we twist the "truth" around to deceive ourselves into the morally right way of thinking.

If we start philosophizing about this, might as well reread Sophie's World.

As time is racing faster and faster into the future for me, I realize how I have yet to stop for the friends around me, to say my final goodbyes to those who will soon graduate. I suspected a few of them when they say "Let's Hang Out" and I knew, that would never happen due to our time constraints and different group of friends that we have made since we last hung out. It was one of those- we weren't good enough friends nor do I want to be better friends and play the fake catch-up night out and waste my time. It is a bit of a pity for people to think that way, but it can definitely be read on people's minds when they say "we definitely need to hang out." I can honestly say in my cases that if you want to hang out with me, I will put your name and date on my agenda book and show up that day. If not, at least I have the decency to tell you before hand.

Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't. Most of the time, they really don't mean it and its quite obvious when they don't but they still try- not to accuse my friends of being shallow or fake, but sometimes it's one of those phrases "I'll call you" but it never happens. Then just don't say it, ya know?

I mean, sometimes I feel life around me there's just so many bullshitters. Perhaps that's what you need to do to join the rat race.

Being 21

I get to spend another 362 days of being 21. What have I learned so far in the past 4 days?

1) One of my friends think my life is a sitcom as the craziest things happen to me.
2) Vodka really doesn't go down my system too well
3) The blackboard website decided to mess me over with technology as my professor said she did not receive my final.
4) It's okay to admire strong people since that's the only way you can become stronger. That's what role models and mentors are for. :)
5) Just don't be too much in awe of them during the interview that you feel worthless.
6) Life is about laughter and having great people to share it with.
7) There are so many more people I wished I had the chance to meet and talk to, just the right moment never came up. Yet I am lucky to have became good friends to the ones I did.
8) You win some, you lose some. But in the end, life is short so live it up.
9) It's awkward receiving gifts, but people give them because it makes them happy.
10) It's great that I want to protect all my friends, but I'm no super girl.

What have I not learned?
1) What ever happened to my toe??!
2) Why is one side of my bum feeling bruised...
3) How the heck I'm going to JFK on May 15th...
4) How to keep in contact with all my friends as more of them graduate or leave the country...
5) Why I haven't kept in contact with more people from high school

It would be nice if my daily life had background music to it. But honestly, it's not that interesting, it's just plain random. :)

How Do You See Me?

In continuing my realm of self-exploration, my friend said how he was looking at my AIM and Facebook profile, and my jest of Stephism comes off to some people as:

a) intimidated by you
b) think ur full of urself
c) just like this is weird let me distance myself

Though the good thing is that no one knows I am online unless they are on my AIM buddy list, or see my facebook profile unless added as a friend. Therefore, in response,
a) I know people are intimidated by me,
b) some do think I am full of myself, I've heard them talk behind my back
c) Like I wrote on a ice breaker game "I'm weird but that's okay."

When I approach strangers with my -hey what's up- personality, they can either dispell all of the above, or think all of the above. I know that. I've had people tell me they thought I was scary at first, until they talk to me and think my experiences are really cool. Then there are people who only hear me talk about my background in terms of backing up my argument and think I am full of myself. Then finally there are people who I approach with "Hi person I don't know, I'm Stephanie" or randomly just start blabbering to them.

Backpacking 5 weeks through Europe alone can get pretty lonely if you don't approach others and "sell" yourself, meaning approaching some strangers and opening up a conversation with them that makes them intersted in hanging out with you.

I don't know what the point of babbling all that, but when my friend said I should tone it down since most people don't understand me and percieve me as the above, then I thought...do I really need to change to fit in with others? Do I actually want to fit in with others? And in reality, I realized, that I really don't. I am me, accept me for who I am. I don't want to tone down my personality for the sake of other people.

How I Sometimes Feel

The Road Not Taken
By Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Remember back in middle school when you had to analyze poems? I feel with age, and looking back to this poem I once explicated years ago, I now understand it with a new meaning. We may learn year after year, but sometimes the material we learn is not absorbed until years after; and looking back, that is the jest of life. Somehow this poem popped up in my mind randomly and so I googled it. Rereading it, it has a different sense of comprehension and enlightenment to my current life. I think I'm going to try and read some more poems this summer...get the literary and artsy side out of me.

The Revolutionary Web

I have learned in the early years of my youth, that I am addicted to the web. I was probably online more idling in my middle school years rather than doing something productive. Like watching more cartoons or learning all about pop culture. I rejoice now that I finally have internet at the apartment (haha while I'm about to leave in another week or two). When I think about the flowers, feeling the warm sun touch my face, sitting down on the bench and drawing, continue to imagine, but never really have that "down time" to do so. And it's because I find some excuse to stay online. I always find something to do on the computer, whether it is searching for scholarships, reading up on random places, downloading comics to read, chatting...and that time just drains me away. I find a way to be lazy, make excuses not to go to so and so places, in my mind it's just so far away. Those with a car would eventually drag me to go since they would pick me up from my place. I just hate transporting time (Ironically I have no qualms spending 14-15hrs on the plane).

On Monday, though I woke up early and got breakfast with my friend, I was planning to study some more for my Micro quiz. My class was at 3:30, and by the time we were done with food, it was probably 10 am max. I sat at the coffeeshop, browsing through, mind wandering, chatted with my professor since he was around, then afterwards I saw my friend and we started chatting, then sitting down to chat, and just embracing the summer weather outside and talking about life. It was weird...it was about 2 when he had to go and I realized how hrs later I have woken up, I have not studied (though I did so the past 2 days). Time went by so fast that I just wondered how I could have just sat around all that time. It was a nice lazy feeling, something I haven't done without feeling guilty about it. I always feel like I don't have enough time, or I need that time to be doing such and such.

My eyes have probably gone worse from staring at the computer screen so much this semester, probably the only time my vision stayed the same was when I was in Japan that year as an exchange student. I just realized how difficult it is to break away from such a bad habit, as most of my friends are not in the vicinity, so the only time I get to "see" them is when they are online and since I don't watch tv, that's the only way I hear about news.

Maybe I can break away from that habit this summer...depending where I'll be.

Today I Realized...

"Sometimes I realise that friends wouldn't necessarily do for you what you'd do for them, but that this doesn't always mean that they care for you any less than you do for them. Often it does. But sometimes you find that one special person, and then you can feel safe that whatever happens they still love you, you just keep trying for one another. You're not the same person as them, you handle things differently, but it doesn't really matter if you'd stay up all night for them on a work night and they wouldn't for you, or they'd help you clean up your house, but you felt that you'd be interfering to do that for them. It doesn't matter, because you're different, but you still love one another and that's all that matters. Just knowing that makes everything ok."

This was taken from someone's comment from Live Journal.

What she said is pretty true.

Nonetheless, I love the friends I have and I want them to know I cherish them even though I seem like I underappreciate a good handful. And for those far away, I still think of the good times we had in the past, and look forward to the crazy times we'll have in the future.

What have you realized today?

The Impact of Media

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070419/ap_on_re_us/virginia_tech_shooting

So here's the link to the latest update on the virginia tech shooting. In the US, I'm just wondering if you're bored of hearing the same old stories yet. It's currently Thursday, and this happened on Monday. Yes, many lives were affected, 33+. Yes, this the biggest shooting so far in US history. Overall scheme of things, there are larger things in life to tackle. So why are they so keen on keeping this subject on fire?

I don't know. I was seriously saddened that it turned out that it was a Korean guy who was the murderer. I was teary when I heard how a Holocaust survivor professor died in the process of protecting his students. Now, he's a real hero, no doubt. But at the end of the day, when the news gets recycled and recreated into the same old things, I'm tired of hearing it. Hearing it on Monday was good. Then it was on again Tues, oh but with one or two more tidbits, trying to feed on the continuing interest. Then Weds, okay the vigil which I respect. It's Thursday, can we not get past this stage? Here, the media is trying to take advantage of this situation, milking the negativity and sadness for all it's worth, and dispelling it onto the nation. It became the next big thing between 9/11 and pet foods killing dogs. I'm sorry, perhaps there were some other big news since that time, but I was out of the country for a year. As much as I love this country and want to one day represent it and help change society for the overall good, now I see there is a good reason for me to stay out.

So I was on camera today since I happened to pass by. They asked me about the impact of the video the killer had sent. Honestly, I didn't know of the video, just the letters. But I was tired of all this, and basically said how it was a sad event (wow, people are going to notice I have a heart made of ice), asians are going to get even more stereotyped (ouch I guess I just hit the racial nerve- which is true), other countries probably wouldn't have made such a big deal out of it like we did (ouch, there goes diplomatic relations), and we should move on (eek, I guess I should be glad I live in an apt rather than a house so it can't be egged). Insensitive? Probably. The truth, I'm sure. It's sad the media cannot let the people grieve on their own, the families are probably embarassed, the community is already a wreck, and the media continues to feed on this intense negativity. How are they any more different than politicians?

Perhaps I've got some sensitivity issues to work out. I blurt out what I think, and sometimes the truth hurts. Actually my truth punches people in the stomach. I'm sure that's not what they need now. And it's all an attitude issue- I know that part is the hardest to change since I've been down in the slumps. But there's a good reason I don't watch tv, and I just got proof of it- to witness these newsreporters drooling to get the next big scoop.

Well, someone told me he'll see me on tv --as our parting goodbye. And since this time it's going to be aired in the US, I guess he can.

The Unsafe World

I never really viewed the world as unsafe. Yes, it was a little awkward when my internship boss in Belgium kept on telling me horror stories about how girls were kidnapped and sold as sex slaves, or how tourists in Greece got threatened with a knife by thieves, yet I went along alone with my backpacking trip across Europe. The only time I really felt vulnerable was when my camera got stolen out of my backpack in Barcelona while on the metro. And the time when I was semi-tricked about the train ticket on my overnight train from Budapest to Prague. But I handled the situation pretty well, even when the cashier lady almost short changed me at the Baths. I never felt threatened when weird old men approached me. And maybe it was smart of me not to have bungee jumped out of a moving cable car in Sigulda, Lativa. But being in more than 10 countries alone within the span of 5 weeks, that accounts for not much.

My next trip I wanted to backpack Southeast Asia. I wanted to do this in January, after my semester in Beijing. It was cancelled first when I decided to apply for a teaching volunteer position in Koh Chang, then when I decided to go back to the US instead of Japan. One guy I met while staying in a youth hostel in Beijing told me how this one girl in Thailand was on the cellphone talking out at the beach at night was murdered by a local fisherman. Lesson to be learned there: don't go out on the beaches alone.

Then today I read about how a peacecorp volunteer was killed in the Philippines when she went hiking on her own. Being that I know a few peacecorp volunteers out there in the world, that idea sort of sent a chill down my spine. Especially since I have gone so many places on my own without even a second thought...wandered the streets of China where I heard someone was killed in the bathroom stalls and had their organs taken out of them to be sold on the black market.

So two things came to my mind- the personal safety which my parents always rant about when I talk about going to dangerous places. And the idea of being alone- of there lackof.

I mean it's always nice to have someone there to go with you, but it is also impossible to find a compatible travel partner without giving up too much of your personal freedom.

So that means, am I finally coming to my senses that it really is a dangerous world out there? I really don't know how to take it. I don't want to say my personal travelling days are over, and it's such a hassle to travel with others or find the perfect travel buddy. I never thought how the guy in the hostel next door may be a thief or a murderer (you can tell I haven't watched the movie Hostel yet). I guess it's that feeling of helplessness during the moment of danger. Like a deer being caught in the headlights...I don't want to feel that way when and if that ever happens to me.

Sheltered

If you are reading this, I'm sure you have quite a privileged lifestyle. I am not saying that you are a trust fund baby, drive some fancy car, and live in some amazing apartment, but for the most part- we have the internet. We have the time to view blogs. We have to time to explore new ideas, do things we love, have hobbies and time to waste. Well maybe not time to waste as an insult, but we have those luxuries.

I am a college student. While most claim that they are broke, eat ramen noodles, or survive on a hotdog a day, I can fairly say I am healthy, make myself pasta, beef, cookies, etc. Despite stressing out on papers, group projects, presentations, internship, I still have the time to vent to friends, go out and also have fun. I am under heavy financial aid that pays for my private university tuition, and I pay my own bills (except the cellphone). With the money I have made waitressing and receiving random scholarships, I paid my way so far for university, living, and travelling around the world. I am not using this post to brag about me, but for those students who always complain that they have no money, yet have their parents pay their tuition and claim to have a stock of frozen foods in the freezer as meals, perhaps they have their priorities wrong. If they complain so much about money, and here I am paying for my education, then they need to seriously re-evaluate what they are doing to make themselves so "poor". Being a "poor" college student is a saying, but there are always ways around it. While my parents instill this idea that I should not be travelling so much and others wonder how the heck I can afford it all, I just do. I am not extravagant, but I also don't think that because I don't have money I can't do it.

So the point of this post was actually thinking about others in a 3rd world country. How kids in a Colombian Peace Community can still have fun laughing, playing ball, and hang out with their friends despite the fact that the paramilitaries, guerrillas, or some other armed groups may find some reason to attack them. Places where there are car bombs being blown, killing people every day. When 33 people died in the VA-Tech shooting yesterday, it was plastered all over the news nonstop all day. Really, though it is quite shocking and being the "deadliest shooting so far in US history" is it necessary to give it so much media attention?

And then, to have students starting to point fingers blaming the university for sending out the email 2 hrs later claiming more lives could have been saved if the warning was sent out earlier. We so easily blame others for mistakes made in order to make ourselves feel better about the events. Of course there are times when it is obviously necessary to point out that others did something wrong, but before then, take a good hard look at the situation and yourself before blaming others. It is ridiculous to accuse others for the actions, or maybe this is the "self destructive" part of me saying how we should see if we can link this to ourselves first before others. This is domestic news. If 33 people killed in one event is the biggest of our worries, then we're quite sheltered for sure.

I'm sure most of you don't care because it doesn't affect your comfort zone. Or maybe it does and then you brush it off since it is uncomfortable to think about. But people are constantly killed in poorer regions. Or they starve, not having any means to obtain or grow food. People are killed for their organs, later to be sold on the black market to rich people hoping their "loved one" survives. War. We take a life to gain a life. We selfish people shocked over something "close to home" have no idea what it is like out there in the world, with no umbrella over our heads when it rains, no bullet proof vest to save us in a line of fire, no dirt to even eat in hopes of nutrition. We were lucky to be born into the homes we have, the lives we live, and a hope in the future. Am I saying to save them all? No, its not possible.

Yet I am the same girl who claims she'll die for her beliefs. Sacrificing my life for what I believe in. Yet I wonder the day when I do die, and how I die, the way I will react.

A Conversation With Myself. (Questions taken from Keri Smith’s WishJar).

A Conversation With Myself. (Questions taken from Keri Smith’s WishJar).

"There are no mistakes, only lessons."
Yep, so if you fall down, the main thing is to get back up again. You need to understand pain to live properly.

"But you did what you knew how to do at the time."
That’s true, so live with no regrets. It’s a lessoned learned.

"So, if you had to do it again would you do it differently?"
It would be nice to do something again differently, but then it would have a different result, so maybe I would’ve been different too.

"What are you afraid of?"
Being stagnant. I’m not sure if I am afraid of being alone. Well, and spiders.

"Which is?"
Not feeling active. I want to switch around once things start to bore me.

"Are you these things?"
Others probably don't think so since I've been around a good portion of the world within 20 years of my life. But I remember being in Tallinn for 3 days and even after that time, I started feeling antsy...

"So what if you are not these things?"
Then I just have a huge issue of being antsy. Maybe I'm not feeling comfortable in my own clothes.

"Aren't we all those things at some point? Don't we all project an image of ourselves based on what we want to be?"
Yeah I guess so...but I hope I don't look like I'm always antsy...maybe I've got ADD?

"So why do you not allow yourself any imperfections?"
It's awkward...I do have flaws I know that but I don't like others seeing them.

"But isn't that what it means to be human? To have imperfections? Doesn't everyone have them?"
I don't mind others showing their imperfections. I mean I also don't want to be the best either, but I don't want the be judged.

"You don't believe that do you?"
Well...I know I tend to do that to people so I'm sure they have the same rights to do that to me.

"So why is it important that people like you all of the time?"
Cause I'm afraid of being alone and being hurt. Yet ironically I am afraid to show my feelings more to the people I care about (the portion that comes after best friends and beyond good friends) and would be even more distant with them.

"Is that really what you want?"
no. Or maybe? I think I'm pretty self-destructive.

"What do you want?"

I want people to be honest with me and I don't want to feel like an outsider.

"You used the word 'again', when did you last feel safe?"
In China when I found out my friend was doing something I felt "wrong", my other friend held my hand under the table, sort of saying it's okay to feel that way but you can't do anything about it since it's his decision.

"What if you decided to do things based on what makes YOU happy?"
Then they would ridicule me and I would probably now have second thoughts...I used to have such a decisive attitude, but now I'm not sure exactly what I want.

"What if I told you that their disappointment was based on their own expectations of themselves, on their own fears?
I'm not sure if I would care...It philosophically sounds nice and maybe I'll feel better about that statement after I digest it mentally.

"You have time."

It's the Small Things in life that count

While having a conversation with my Int'l Law classmate, he mentioned what makes one's life go around. He has a friend who wants to be a lawyer so she could boss people around. For him, he wants to move to Paris, smoke some nice ciggerettes and be Parisian. We laughed about it, but it's true, it's the small things in life that count.

So I'm wondering what are the small things in my life that currently count:
1) Grabbing a tall peppermint mocha at Starbucks on my way to work when I'm tired.
2) Watching an episode or two (or more) of Felicity before I go to sleep.
3) Thinking about my next meal and where I'll get it. I guess this goes with Good Food. Especially when it tastes perfect for your taste buds at that moment.
4) Talking to one of my best friends, Pat. He makes time at work go by a lot faster. Who cares about the time difference when laughing? Knowing I have reliable friends to count on, despite them being scattered around the world.
5) Going back to the apartment at the end of the day and knowing I have a comfy bed to sleep on.
6) Using the White Tea & Ginger shower gel from bath and body works...it smells great and it makes my day better.
7) Having parents that would help me out in any way possible if they had the ability to.
8) Passing by pretty flowers (haha yeah...I guess I do stare off into randomness too much).
9) Artsyness...It's great to see some inspiring stuff every now and then.
10) Having a tasty drink and falling asleep on the beach hearing the waves.

Taken from Keri Smith's Wish Jar

A tad more of inspiration. I want to print all of these out and stick them in my journal for its artsyness and creativity.

Feeling Artsy and Inspired.

Taken from Keri Smith's blog WishJar, thought I'd share my new inspiration to observe and wander. :)

Meeting Jerks

What compells a person to be a total jerk? Okay, I feel I am quite diplomatic, especially in first meetings. This is the hospitality side in me ingrained from years of waitressing and keeping on that "bubbly" smile, practiced by wandering from country to country, meeting random people at youth hostels.

So at dinner, I meet my friend's friend's good friend and his girlfriend. I don't think I really prejudged him, or judged him at all until 5-6 sentences of dialogue with him. When I told him I was from Jersey, he only bashed the place saying that there's absolutely nothing to do there (Which is true so I agreed), then said how the place had no money and was in debt (which I responded as I did not know but I do know we raised taxes last year), and then went to saying how I was "so asian" because I carried a camera with me everywhere and had taken it out to take pictures with my japanese friends. When I replied that I was used to carrying a camera with me everywhere because I travelled a lot, he just asked if I was a military kid. It's the first time someone assumed such things about me, especially since I'm probably the least "asian" of most asians. So in a way, I was a bit insulted. Heck, even though I'm not a fan of Jersey, I felt someone who has no experience there shouldn't say such things in the first meeting. His girlfriend was fine and all, but I've never met someone so unnecessarily rude without explanation.

Like I'm sure he was trying to play some "cool" figure, acting like an asshole downing soju and smoking ciggerettes. And no, I don't think he was interested in me since he was the same to others too, its just his personality has some issues that need to be worked on.

Then again, I think back to how I tend to be a very scary person when people first meet me at times since I like to take charge of things if there's no leader. But that's a different story.

Guess I just can't win 'em all, can I?

Cured (of being lost)

Or so I say. In the past months of questioning myself, my habits, and reflecting about my daily thoughts and attitudes, I have come to the conclusion of my bipolarity during this time period of China till now. This unknown reason that engulfed me I have finally put a name to it, and in time, I learned how I was in a desperate attempt to escape reality. I know subconsciously that I needed to get out of it and return to the real world. Many attempts were made, even cancelling my semester in Japan and telling people to yell at me to make me realize. And I thought it did work; I was back in DC living a moderately content life. Yet I realized one of my mistakes came from latching onto that single meagre thread for escape.

Hanging around with one of my friends from Belgium; back during the times when all we did was bar hopping and that was the only type of conversation we had. Belgium was a land of worry free woes, one of those atmospheres of nonchalance, you don't talk about your issues to me, and I won't to you. In my mind, I thought I would never see them again, I had my own path to walk, so I didn't care much about seeing them in the future. It was only when I went to China meeting the good friends I made there, did it open up a can of worms. Perhaps I grew a heart- I actually worried when my friend disappeared for a few days without much of a notice, I dished out advice for those and their concerns and listened to other's problems. My friends and I talked about life, society, and the world around us, something that required more substance than the people I hung around with in Belgium.

And when the single meagre thread for escape finally snapped, it was like one of those slow motioned movies where the thread slowly unwinds and breaks bit by bit and whatever it was holding falls down with a thump. My mind was in this numb, nonpissed off state of depression where at the same time filled with chaos (and I suppose it was also that time of the month). I even considered xyanax as a temporary cure. Rather, I finally got out of my apartment and met up my classmate and his friends and went out. It was probably the best time I had in months- simply dancing and going out, forgetting all my past simple minded problems. It only got better as I branched out hanging out with the various friends I have and their branches of friends, talking to random intellects at the coffeeshop, and learning more about my field. Finally something in me woke up and realized how my past subconscious fears of being alone disappeared-something I thought already dissipated when my friend Zach had helped me talk it through about this panic attack while in China.

I am back to being me- no more being anxious, unnecessary stress, just wandering life as a silly simple human being. Sitting outside, watching cars roll by and people crossing the streets. There's this artsy flavour back in me, I have a world to paint red. Anyone want to join me? I'll be delighted for your craziness. :)