Refreshed

As I've learned from one of my best friends, Pat, there's nothing better than sitting down at a cafe and working on your writings. Well for me, it was editing some of my essays and concentrating on draft #4 of my Pickering. Ideally, I would love to type up things on my laptop but the B&N didn't design their cafe area well and there are no outlets for my battery shot laptop. I can only dream of a new portable laptop until I can afford a new one. Ideally before this summer.

Perhaps I've gotten my hopes up going to Italy for my grad school summer program but it isn't difficult to dream of warmer locations being in the northeast. However, I haven't gotten my hopes up to the point that I already bought a Naples & Caprii guide, I decided I'd buy one after getting the official word whether I've been accepted or not. After browsing the lovely guides in the travel section, my mind was already seeing blue skies and feeling the warm sea while taking pictures of all the artifacts left behind from Pompeii. It was better than anything right now in New Jersey. And speaking of suburbia, land of overweight and mediocrity in educational standards, I reenter the world of community gossip.

Being that I've been living in DC for the past several-ish years, I've learned the art of observing human nature. In the capital of politics, amidst all the alcohol and schmoozing, you tend to see how well to read people, and the ironic part, how people read others. By the time I end up home for the holidays, I have perfected my smile with beer or plum wine in hand, and answer all the blatantly fake questions/concerns people throw at me to make conversation and enhance their network of gossip.

It's really sad, the circle of asian family friends parents that have amounted from my childhood only look at me as a comparison to their children's goals and my value of prestige in competition to their childrens'. After they have weighed and valued my worth with pointless questions and "concerns" of my future graduate education, they finally drop their interest in me, either finding my unwavering answers to be of bore or incomprehensible, they go back to their faux party of food. It's a little bit of a pity, these family friends I grew up with, though they walked the path they do now, had once been questioned for their career choice (of course unless they wanted to be doctors of lawyers). I was amongst those ostracized because who in the world let's their kid study abroad in Japan??? Who lets their daughter backpack Europe?? Ah yes, then they hushed their criticisms after realizing its resume benefits of having an international career as opposed to being booksmart. And the other realizing I won't privy any gossip.

Then there are some genuine people who do invite me to places because they enjoy my company and not the need to delve into other people's unfortunate events. It's really interesting to differentiate these types of people from the purposeful gossipers through mere observances. What's also amusing is seeing how people understand each other and perceive what the other is thinking of the other. Especially the psychology majors who make it even more dramatic than it is. Haha, aawwwkkwarrrdd.

It's interesting to observe this community of people, the kids that I grew up with, and the different paths we've paved for ourselves. Then to study their roots, the psychological parenting behind these achievements or hindrances. The high and low context cultures of these communities are fascinating to call as a study, which I wonder how eerily they would perceive and despise me if I told them they were mere observances of social interaction and my findings.

I Think I Lost My Best Friend To Religion

Sorta studying for my finals, but I've had a lot on my mind besides schoolwork. Most of it is quite random, but one thing that bothers me most is the fact that one of my best friends is slipping away from me. I supported her when she said she's become a christian- she came out of the closet like a gay guy, only that its for religion, and now she's been baptized, which I also supported and would of also gone if not for my 2 finals. I thought religion was a means to escape the cruelties of her parent's divorce, which happened right during the time she happened to go to college. She was happy, and as any friend should be, be happy that her friend is happy.

What I did not support was the fact that she has believed she could not tell me things because she felt I did not understand. Ok, it's fine if you like a guy who has the same Christian values as yourself, but the fact I cannot understand perhaps hindered you from originally sharing it with me? Okay, I'm an athiest, and I have plenty of other friends with religion around me. Muslims, Buddhists, Catholics, devout Christians...They have not put religious pressures on me and have respected my atheism. I in turn, respected them and take them for who they are.

Then comes Thanksgiving where we don't meet up due to scheduling conflicts. Even before then, I'd call and our usually Friday chats were suddenly curbed due to busy schedules, and she doesn't call back or let me know of the date she was going back home? What ever happened to that sleepover the first night we got back? Never happened because she fell asleep and had to unpack her room. No meeting on Thanksgiving, ok. Friday the meeting was cancelled even though I was busy and would have come back from NYC at night to meet up with her. Then to add insult to injury, she suggested we met up on Sunday morning, in the time slot right before church, and it may have been a misinterpretation/miscommunication, but before that I thought she suggested that we head to church together to meet up. Uhm...no. Well it was fine anyways, since it turned out her time slot before church also became filled and I had to be back in DC that day.

I've probably lost friendships due to religion, but this is the worst thing possible to feel that I lost one of my childhood best friends due to religion. And I know to her it was unintentional. It hurts to feel Church > Me. I don't have qualms over the basics of spiritualism and being a good samaritan. I can be slightly bitter about the church and saying it's actually evil and has brought my best friend to a land of no return but that is middle school behavior. Spiritualism is a means to help the stress through life and that is why I see people leaning on it as a pillar of support. Religion didn't work for me, and its not like I haven't tried. What makes me bitter the most is the fact there are people that can change their network of friends so much due to the influence of the circle of religious friends. Brainwashing perhaps? I don't know. Perhaps the fact some people do not have the ability to separate the Church and friends, as the same way as the Church and State.

I study international relations and this comes with human behavior, communications, and diplomacy. I know I can go back in there and still salvage my friendship. But would I want to when I know my best friend was willing to make more time for Church which is always there, especially on Sundays, than to meet up with her best friend of 13 years that she hasn't seen for 3 months? I'm not sure, as I am tired of putting most of the effort into the friendship.

Free Writing

Hehe, it's been about a month since I wrote in here. I've been insanely busy just figuring out where life takes me, I can't believe it was only a month so far. Though I have 2 finals coming up, things are a little more relaxed, though I always say I'm busy with schoolwork. I'm so used to using that as an excuse that I probably stress myself out with it and people think I'm just a workaholic.

As I've been writing up my essay for the Pickering fellowship, I need to tie in my future interests in space policy for grad school with public diplomacy at the foreign service. Honestly, I really don't know how to explain this weird interest of mine that probably came from watching too many cartoons, especially Gundam Wing. So my career advisor told me to free write a bit to see where it goes...no one would want to fund 2 years of grad school and support her career just because of some cartoons. But I am just a silly girl, it's weird how serious and mature people think I am when most meet me, but I'm just a simpleton once they get to know me. Hehe I'm totally weird.

But anyways, on the topic of how I got interested in space...I must have received astronomy books when I was younger...gone to the kennedy space center when I was down in florida and taken pictures with men in space suits. Half that trip I can remember was quite boring...I was not truly interested in getting people into space, but looking up and seeing the stars always made me wonder if my wishing on the first star i saw that night would come true. Even today I sometimes look at the stars and make a wish. Thinking back to my childhood, we always learned about the planetary system (of course plus pluto), and the different colors of the planets fascinated me. Somehow I still remember my 5th grade teacher talking about how there was a teacher that was an astronaut. I thought that teacher was someone local, with the way she worded it. It was only years..a decade later, I come to find that it was simply a normal teacher...and she died on the Challenger accident. 1986...

I have always been a fan of science, but ironically not math. If I had to say the two favorite places to learn about were the sea and the sky...the land was merely dirt where we lived and died. Perhaps I was always drawn to the unknown. President's vision for exploration a journey...of the unknown..we are all explorers.