Irony of Me

This new idea of mine set in: How we are so consumed in our own thoughts that we sometimes cannot see through others. I mean the world is either complicated or not complicated. Just that we make it more complicated since we only think about ourselves. Heck, no matter how much I try to do simple good deeds each day, I have to admit (as I now see it), it's all about me, me, what I want to eat for my next meal, and more me. Of course, I also do think about my friends, but now I really think about it, probably 90% of the time, it is about my friends and how they are related are related to me. It's like- the problem with me and so and so person, and as I try to read and understand this person, I goes back to how this person and I do so and so. Apologies for the vagueness but this is related to ME (haha) and the vast examples I'm trying to put each of the random people I know in.

There are those times when I do think about other people. I mean, a good portion of the time I think about other people, try to feel how they feel (usually I do that when I'm bored and people watching), but I draw that back to me.

I forget about all this at times, close myself up in a box of Me, believe the world revolves around Me (in some weird extent) and become a close minded selfishness...the psychology in all this of me...causing self inflicted psychological pain for no real reason. The world is small, our lives are even smaller, so not to break it to you or myself, our little egos of Me's must take a step back and do a reality check from time to time. I tell this to myself more as I realized the roller coaster emotions of my weekend in human nature and observing people.

The Me attitude and the 'I don't care' attitude... are both in me. Which as I now type this up, sounds even worse as I realize the deadly combination of the two. I guess I haven't found the perfect formula in life yet.

I'm sure others have this issue too, but it was just something that I observed in myself this weekend.

Gut Feelings

I guess along with self-destructive, plenty of gut feelings take place but you go against it anyways. On my way to the library early in the morning- sucks to even mention that part, but I thought of the things gone wrong and how I knew it from the moment I made the decision. I guess I'm a pretty bad decision maker then huh?

Sometimes I feel like I settle for less but ask for more. So I'm never satisfied. Apparently in the nonprofit fund-raising world, that's good...having tenacity, but I just feel like days like today (when its wet and cold outside) I just don't want to deal with people. Or maybe that's me and my days of pms. Just days of utter bs where I don't feel like dealing with people. Like I tend to read people of course because it is part of human nature, and then I see how they are, and I give most a second chance to improve my readings since most are utter crap. I guess its worse today when I do more sit around and observing since I generally already don't talk too much (depends on who it is for sure of course). It's annoying trying to be a good person. Sometimes I wonder where the karma went.

What I Returned For

There are just days when a brilliant thought comes to mind. For me, I usually have ten million ideas racing through my head a minute, and suddenly I'd pull out a random thought and blurt it out loud. One recent thought that has suddenly popped into my conscience was why the heck I was back in DC when my mind is everywhere but in the country. That question has stuck with me the moment I made my decision to come back to DC, why trade a semester of being in Japan to be back in the land of politics? I mean, I don't regret having this amazing internship. But what else do I live for here if I feel so...stagnant? That thought looming over my head can make me spin in circles of contemplation. Then yesterday it finally hit me- it was to find myself. Aha! Reflection time. Thought I got enough of that in Beijing eh?

So I started to reflect on my personality. My character. (You can quite tell I did not do much schoolwork yesterday). How would I describe myself? Crazy (in a good outgoing way), loyal, honest, would I say ambitious? Words I felt certain about myself no longer deemed as true when I started to question my uncertainty.

I have to admit, this is the first time in a while since I have been so lost and open to the many options out there in the world. I love my brilliant ideas of going to any continent in the world, working, travelling, heck even working at a youth hostel to get by. Just anywhere in the world. My goal is to be in the Foreign Service, but what good would it do if I don't understand the culture of the world before joining? There is a tiny little bug in buzzing around me that nags about how I can afford all this, which never presented a problem before, but now I see how growing up and earning real money will have to do the trick. I've raised the funds for my university education on my own, so it only means more real hard work for my goals.

Then the amazing word came to mind. I was self-destructive. Well, perhaps. Let me roll along with this idea. This came from the multiple times I could've done a lot better academically, but I'd throw it all away in the last attempts. I'd go more in depth about it but I think I just like that word and learning more about it within myself.

So give me one word that describes me. Well, one positive and one negative. haha, my roommate gave me three though: bubbly, interesting, smart, respectively.

My ultimate fear (Part I)

In my dream it felt as though I was in some part of Madrid, some place where I faintly recalled going with a bunch of my hostel friends...a church or something historic...the weather was warm with a soft tint of the blue sky above. The street was rather empty. Nonetheless, I recognized my location (minus my hostel friends) and thought of walking back in the other direction perhaps towards the train station. Then I saw this huge billboard with a child on it, with the number 10 everywhere. It registered in my mind as shir-kuai (10yuan) and felt like an ad for campaigning to donate 10 kuai to the development of chinese kids. As I continued to walk past that large billboard, the roads became a little dingier and I immersed myself back into China.

There, I met a bunch of students that I instinctively knew were the new kids on the Beijing Program. I joined them, believing that I was back in China, and I had no idea why I was there. It felt as though I decided to stay there an extra semester. I thought- perfect, then I can finish up some internship projects I want to work on, and gave some of the people in the program tips about Beijing life. Then I heard the "oven" alarm go off and it was supposedly scallops or gratin (too much of that potato scallop commercial last night lol!) It kept on ringing, and I woke up to realize that it was the alarm from my roommate's room that was going off.

Yet I woke up with the the word "stagnant" echoing through my head. I mean the dream wasn't exactly a nightmare per say, but it made me think back to the time I told Rich how I felt about not going to Japan...that one day in DC I'd freak out, buy a plane ticket, and fly off. It's childish for me to say, but I don't feel quite as grounded in DC. Heck, I randomly bought a plane ticket to Venezuela in the midst that I was cold.

There isn't much here in DC that convinces me to stay grounded. Perhaps my mind is always floating around and restless, but I haven't found anyone or anything that had such a large weight on me to make me keep close to the ground. Sometimes in class, my mind is halfway across the world, walking down the cold winter roads in Brussels or laying on the beach in Corsica. I'm ready to take up an adventure again, throw myself back into the world and on the road...This feeling of being stagnant freaks me out at times...yet at the same time I feel a little tired, in hopes there is someone or something that I can lean on...

Karma

I don't recall exactly doing anything bad lately, yet it feels like my karma is out of balance. Okay, I'm Chinese, and we have plenty of superstitions, though I don't think Karma fits into that category. I am just wondering what I did that was so awful to make me feel this way. Would laughing at my brother about his mono be a cause? Or not making my friend those potatoes? Or maybe pretending to hang up on a friend because he said "after I hang up I'll have to start doing work". LoL, hey I was only helping him with the process. Okay I guess it only continues to become more ridiculous.

Maybe the fortune teller was right. In fact his comments did hit the mark right at the beginning of the year. I hate the idea of using a fortune teller to read my future, plus it was for entertainment. Yet, he has been right. Perhaps there is some level of fate in life after all.

Meanwhile, I'm in the attempts to fix my unbalanced Karma. I think the last time that happened so badly, I was at the Lama Temple and threw some coins into the wishing pot or whatever it was. With all this whole heartyness yet an empty stomach, I feel like a vegetarian.