In continuing my realm of self-exploration, my friend said how he was looking at my AIM and Facebook profile, and my jest of Stephism comes off to some people as:
a) intimidated by you
b) think ur full of urself
c) just like this is weird let me distance myself
Though the good thing is that no one knows I am online unless they are on my AIM buddy list, or see my facebook profile unless added as a friend. Therefore, in response,
a) I know people are intimidated by me,
b) some do think I am full of myself, I've heard them talk behind my back
c) Like I wrote on a ice breaker game "I'm weird but that's okay."
When I approach strangers with my -hey what's up- personality, they can either dispell all of the above, or think all of the above. I know that. I've had people tell me they thought I was scary at first, until they talk to me and think my experiences are really cool. Then there are people who only hear me talk about my background in terms of backing up my argument and think I am full of myself. Then finally there are people who I approach with "Hi person I don't know, I'm Stephanie" or randomly just start blabbering to them.
Backpacking 5 weeks through Europe alone can get pretty lonely if you don't approach others and "sell" yourself, meaning approaching some strangers and opening up a conversation with them that makes them intersted in hanging out with you.
I don't know what the point of babbling all that, but when my friend said I should tone it down since most people don't understand me and percieve me as the above, then I thought...do I really need to change to fit in with others? Do I actually want to fit in with others? And in reality, I realized, that I really don't. I am me, accept me for who I am. I don't want to tone down my personality for the sake of other people.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
How I Sometimes Feel
The Road Not Taken
By Robert Frost
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
Remember back in middle school when you had to analyze poems? I feel with age, and looking back to this poem I once explicated years ago, I now understand it with a new meaning. We may learn year after year, but sometimes the material we learn is not absorbed until years after; and looking back, that is the jest of life. Somehow this poem popped up in my mind randomly and so I googled it. Rereading it, it has a different sense of comprehension and enlightenment to my current life. I think I'm going to try and read some more poems this summer...get the literary and artsy side out of me.
By Robert Frost
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
Remember back in middle school when you had to analyze poems? I feel with age, and looking back to this poem I once explicated years ago, I now understand it with a new meaning. We may learn year after year, but sometimes the material we learn is not absorbed until years after; and looking back, that is the jest of life. Somehow this poem popped up in my mind randomly and so I googled it. Rereading it, it has a different sense of comprehension and enlightenment to my current life. I think I'm going to try and read some more poems this summer...get the literary and artsy side out of me.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
The Revolutionary Web
I have learned in the early years of my youth, that I am addicted to the web. I was probably online more idling in my middle school years rather than doing something productive. Like watching more cartoons or learning all about pop culture. I rejoice now that I finally have internet at the apartment (haha while I'm about to leave in another week or two). When I think about the flowers, feeling the warm sun touch my face, sitting down on the bench and drawing, continue to imagine, but never really have that "down time" to do so. And it's because I find some excuse to stay online. I always find something to do on the computer, whether it is searching for scholarships, reading up on random places, downloading comics to read, chatting...and that time just drains me away. I find a way to be lazy, make excuses not to go to so and so places, in my mind it's just so far away. Those with a car would eventually drag me to go since they would pick me up from my place. I just hate transporting time (Ironically I have no qualms spending 14-15hrs on the plane).
On Monday, though I woke up early and got breakfast with my friend, I was planning to study some more for my Micro quiz. My class was at 3:30, and by the time we were done with food, it was probably 10 am max. I sat at the coffeeshop, browsing through, mind wandering, chatted with my professor since he was around, then afterwards I saw my friend and we started chatting, then sitting down to chat, and just embracing the summer weather outside and talking about life. It was weird...it was about 2 when he had to go and I realized how hrs later I have woken up, I have not studied (though I did so the past 2 days). Time went by so fast that I just wondered how I could have just sat around all that time. It was a nice lazy feeling, something I haven't done without feeling guilty about it. I always feel like I don't have enough time, or I need that time to be doing such and such.
My eyes have probably gone worse from staring at the computer screen so much this semester, probably the only time my vision stayed the same was when I was in Japan that year as an exchange student. I just realized how difficult it is to break away from such a bad habit, as most of my friends are not in the vicinity, so the only time I get to "see" them is when they are online and since I don't watch tv, that's the only way I hear about news.
Maybe I can break away from that habit this summer...depending where I'll be.
On Monday, though I woke up early and got breakfast with my friend, I was planning to study some more for my Micro quiz. My class was at 3:30, and by the time we were done with food, it was probably 10 am max. I sat at the coffeeshop, browsing through, mind wandering, chatted with my professor since he was around, then afterwards I saw my friend and we started chatting, then sitting down to chat, and just embracing the summer weather outside and talking about life. It was weird...it was about 2 when he had to go and I realized how hrs later I have woken up, I have not studied (though I did so the past 2 days). Time went by so fast that I just wondered how I could have just sat around all that time. It was a nice lazy feeling, something I haven't done without feeling guilty about it. I always feel like I don't have enough time, or I need that time to be doing such and such.
My eyes have probably gone worse from staring at the computer screen so much this semester, probably the only time my vision stayed the same was when I was in Japan that year as an exchange student. I just realized how difficult it is to break away from such a bad habit, as most of my friends are not in the vicinity, so the only time I get to "see" them is when they are online and since I don't watch tv, that's the only way I hear about news.
Maybe I can break away from that habit this summer...depending where I'll be.
Friday, April 20, 2007
Today I Realized...
"Sometimes I realise that friends wouldn't necessarily do for you what you'd do for them, but that this doesn't always mean that they care for you any less than you do for them. Often it does. But sometimes you find that one special person, and then you can feel safe that whatever happens they still love you, you just keep trying for one another. You're not the same person as them, you handle things differently, but it doesn't really matter if you'd stay up all night for them on a work night and they wouldn't for you, or they'd help you clean up your house, but you felt that you'd be interfering to do that for them. It doesn't matter, because you're different, but you still love one another and that's all that matters. Just knowing that makes everything ok."
This was taken from someone's comment from Live Journal.
What she said is pretty true.
Nonetheless, I love the friends I have and I want them to know I cherish them even though I seem like I underappreciate a good handful. And for those far away, I still think of the good times we had in the past, and look forward to the crazy times we'll have in the future.
What have you realized today?
This was taken from someone's comment from Live Journal.
What she said is pretty true.
Nonetheless, I love the friends I have and I want them to know I cherish them even though I seem like I underappreciate a good handful. And for those far away, I still think of the good times we had in the past, and look forward to the crazy times we'll have in the future.
What have you realized today?
Thursday, April 19, 2007
The Impact of Media
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070419/ap_on_re_us/virginia_tech_shooting
So here's the link to the latest update on the virginia tech shooting. In the US, I'm just wondering if you're bored of hearing the same old stories yet. It's currently Thursday, and this happened on Monday. Yes, many lives were affected, 33+. Yes, this the biggest shooting so far in US history. Overall scheme of things, there are larger things in life to tackle. So why are they so keen on keeping this subject on fire?
I don't know. I was seriously saddened that it turned out that it was a Korean guy who was the murderer. I was teary when I heard how a Holocaust survivor professor died in the process of protecting his students. Now, he's a real hero, no doubt. But at the end of the day, when the news gets recycled and recreated into the same old things, I'm tired of hearing it. Hearing it on Monday was good. Then it was on again Tues, oh but with one or two more tidbits, trying to feed on the continuing interest. Then Weds, okay the vigil which I respect. It's Thursday, can we not get past this stage? Here, the media is trying to take advantage of this situation, milking the negativity and sadness for all it's worth, and dispelling it onto the nation. It became the next big thing between 9/11 and pet foods killing dogs. I'm sorry, perhaps there were some other big news since that time, but I was out of the country for a year. As much as I love this country and want to one day represent it and help change society for the overall good, now I see there is a good reason for me to stay out.
So I was on camera today since I happened to pass by. They asked me about the impact of the video the killer had sent. Honestly, I didn't know of the video, just the letters. But I was tired of all this, and basically said how it was a sad event (wow, people are going to notice I have a heart made of ice), asians are going to get even more stereotyped (ouch I guess I just hit the racial nerve- which is true), other countries probably wouldn't have made such a big deal out of it like we did (ouch, there goes diplomatic relations), and we should move on (eek, I guess I should be glad I live in an apt rather than a house so it can't be egged). Insensitive? Probably. The truth, I'm sure. It's sad the media cannot let the people grieve on their own, the families are probably embarassed, the community is already a wreck, and the media continues to feed on this intense negativity. How are they any more different than politicians?
Perhaps I've got some sensitivity issues to work out. I blurt out what I think, and sometimes the truth hurts. Actually my truth punches people in the stomach. I'm sure that's not what they need now. And it's all an attitude issue- I know that part is the hardest to change since I've been down in the slumps. But there's a good reason I don't watch tv, and I just got proof of it- to witness these newsreporters drooling to get the next big scoop.
Well, someone told me he'll see me on tv --as our parting goodbye. And since this time it's going to be aired in the US, I guess he can.
So here's the link to the latest update on the virginia tech shooting. In the US, I'm just wondering if you're bored of hearing the same old stories yet. It's currently Thursday, and this happened on Monday. Yes, many lives were affected, 33+. Yes, this the biggest shooting so far in US history. Overall scheme of things, there are larger things in life to tackle. So why are they so keen on keeping this subject on fire?
I don't know. I was seriously saddened that it turned out that it was a Korean guy who was the murderer. I was teary when I heard how a Holocaust survivor professor died in the process of protecting his students. Now, he's a real hero, no doubt. But at the end of the day, when the news gets recycled and recreated into the same old things, I'm tired of hearing it. Hearing it on Monday was good. Then it was on again Tues, oh but with one or two more tidbits, trying to feed on the continuing interest. Then Weds, okay the vigil which I respect. It's Thursday, can we not get past this stage? Here, the media is trying to take advantage of this situation, milking the negativity and sadness for all it's worth, and dispelling it onto the nation. It became the next big thing between 9/11 and pet foods killing dogs. I'm sorry, perhaps there were some other big news since that time, but I was out of the country for a year. As much as I love this country and want to one day represent it and help change society for the overall good, now I see there is a good reason for me to stay out.
So I was on camera today since I happened to pass by. They asked me about the impact of the video the killer had sent. Honestly, I didn't know of the video, just the letters. But I was tired of all this, and basically said how it was a sad event (wow, people are going to notice I have a heart made of ice), asians are going to get even more stereotyped (ouch I guess I just hit the racial nerve- which is true), other countries probably wouldn't have made such a big deal out of it like we did (ouch, there goes diplomatic relations), and we should move on (eek, I guess I should be glad I live in an apt rather than a house so it can't be egged). Insensitive? Probably. The truth, I'm sure. It's sad the media cannot let the people grieve on their own, the families are probably embarassed, the community is already a wreck, and the media continues to feed on this intense negativity. How are they any more different than politicians?
Perhaps I've got some sensitivity issues to work out. I blurt out what I think, and sometimes the truth hurts. Actually my truth punches people in the stomach. I'm sure that's not what they need now. And it's all an attitude issue- I know that part is the hardest to change since I've been down in the slumps. But there's a good reason I don't watch tv, and I just got proof of it- to witness these newsreporters drooling to get the next big scoop.
Well, someone told me he'll see me on tv --as our parting goodbye. And since this time it's going to be aired in the US, I guess he can.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
The Unsafe World
I never really viewed the world as unsafe. Yes, it was a little awkward when my internship boss in Belgium kept on telling me horror stories about how girls were kidnapped and sold as sex slaves, or how tourists in Greece got threatened with a knife by thieves, yet I went along alone with my backpacking trip across Europe. The only time I really felt vulnerable was when my camera got stolen out of my backpack in Barcelona while on the metro. And the time when I was semi-tricked about the train ticket on my overnight train from Budapest to Prague. But I handled the situation pretty well, even when the cashier lady almost short changed me at the Baths. I never felt threatened when weird old men approached me. And maybe it was smart of me not to have bungee jumped out of a moving cable car in Sigulda, Lativa. But being in more than 10 countries alone within the span of 5 weeks, that accounts for not much.
My next trip I wanted to backpack Southeast Asia. I wanted to do this in January, after my semester in Beijing. It was cancelled first when I decided to apply for a teaching volunteer position in Koh Chang, then when I decided to go back to the US instead of Japan. One guy I met while staying in a youth hostel in Beijing told me how this one girl in Thailand was on the cellphone talking out at the beach at night was murdered by a local fisherman. Lesson to be learned there: don't go out on the beaches alone.
Then today I read about how a peacecorp volunteer was killed in the Philippines when she went hiking on her own. Being that I know a few peacecorp volunteers out there in the world, that idea sort of sent a chill down my spine. Especially since I have gone so many places on my own without even a second thought...wandered the streets of China where I heard someone was killed in the bathroom stalls and had their organs taken out of them to be sold on the black market.
So two things came to my mind- the personal safety which my parents always rant about when I talk about going to dangerous places. And the idea of being alone- of there lackof.
I mean it's always nice to have someone there to go with you, but it is also impossible to find a compatible travel partner without giving up too much of your personal freedom.
So that means, am I finally coming to my senses that it really is a dangerous world out there? I really don't know how to take it. I don't want to say my personal travelling days are over, and it's such a hassle to travel with others or find the perfect travel buddy. I never thought how the guy in the hostel next door may be a thief or a murderer (you can tell I haven't watched the movie Hostel yet). I guess it's that feeling of helplessness during the moment of danger. Like a deer being caught in the headlights...I don't want to feel that way when and if that ever happens to me.
My next trip I wanted to backpack Southeast Asia. I wanted to do this in January, after my semester in Beijing. It was cancelled first when I decided to apply for a teaching volunteer position in Koh Chang, then when I decided to go back to the US instead of Japan. One guy I met while staying in a youth hostel in Beijing told me how this one girl in Thailand was on the cellphone talking out at the beach at night was murdered by a local fisherman. Lesson to be learned there: don't go out on the beaches alone.
Then today I read about how a peacecorp volunteer was killed in the Philippines when she went hiking on her own. Being that I know a few peacecorp volunteers out there in the world, that idea sort of sent a chill down my spine. Especially since I have gone so many places on my own without even a second thought...wandered the streets of China where I heard someone was killed in the bathroom stalls and had their organs taken out of them to be sold on the black market.
So two things came to my mind- the personal safety which my parents always rant about when I talk about going to dangerous places. And the idea of being alone- of there lackof.
I mean it's always nice to have someone there to go with you, but it is also impossible to find a compatible travel partner without giving up too much of your personal freedom.
So that means, am I finally coming to my senses that it really is a dangerous world out there? I really don't know how to take it. I don't want to say my personal travelling days are over, and it's such a hassle to travel with others or find the perfect travel buddy. I never thought how the guy in the hostel next door may be a thief or a murderer (you can tell I haven't watched the movie Hostel yet). I guess it's that feeling of helplessness during the moment of danger. Like a deer being caught in the headlights...I don't want to feel that way when and if that ever happens to me.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Sheltered
If you are reading this, I'm sure you have quite a privileged lifestyle. I am not saying that you are a trust fund baby, drive some fancy car, and live in some amazing apartment, but for the most part- we have the internet. We have the time to view blogs. We have to time to explore new ideas, do things we love, have hobbies and time to waste. Well maybe not time to waste as an insult, but we have those luxuries.
I am a college student. While most claim that they are broke, eat ramen noodles, or survive on a hotdog a day, I can fairly say I am healthy, make myself pasta, beef, cookies, etc. Despite stressing out on papers, group projects, presentations, internship, I still have the time to vent to friends, go out and also have fun. I am under heavy financial aid that pays for my private university tuition, and I pay my own bills (except the cellphone). With the money I have made waitressing and receiving random scholarships, I paid my way so far for university, living, and travelling around the world. I am not using this post to brag about me, but for those students who always complain that they have no money, yet have their parents pay their tuition and claim to have a stock of frozen foods in the freezer as meals, perhaps they have their priorities wrong. If they complain so much about money, and here I am paying for my education, then they need to seriously re-evaluate what they are doing to make themselves so "poor". Being a "poor" college student is a saying, but there are always ways around it. While my parents instill this idea that I should not be travelling so much and others wonder how the heck I can afford it all, I just do. I am not extravagant, but I also don't think that because I don't have money I can't do it.
So the point of this post was actually thinking about others in a 3rd world country. How kids in a Colombian Peace Community can still have fun laughing, playing ball, and hang out with their friends despite the fact that the paramilitaries, guerrillas, or some other armed groups may find some reason to attack them. Places where there are car bombs being blown, killing people every day. When 33 people died in the VA-Tech shooting yesterday, it was plastered all over the news nonstop all day. Really, though it is quite shocking and being the "deadliest shooting so far in US history" is it necessary to give it so much media attention?
And then, to have students starting to point fingers blaming the university for sending out the email 2 hrs later claiming more lives could have been saved if the warning was sent out earlier. We so easily blame others for mistakes made in order to make ourselves feel better about the events. Of course there are times when it is obviously necessary to point out that others did something wrong, but before then, take a good hard look at the situation and yourself before blaming others. It is ridiculous to accuse others for the actions, or maybe this is the "self destructive" part of me saying how we should see if we can link this to ourselves first before others. This is domestic news. If 33 people killed in one event is the biggest of our worries, then we're quite sheltered for sure.
I'm sure most of you don't care because it doesn't affect your comfort zone. Or maybe it does and then you brush it off since it is uncomfortable to think about. But people are constantly killed in poorer regions. Or they starve, not having any means to obtain or grow food. People are killed for their organs, later to be sold on the black market to rich people hoping their "loved one" survives. War. We take a life to gain a life. We selfish people shocked over something "close to home" have no idea what it is like out there in the world, with no umbrella over our heads when it rains, no bullet proof vest to save us in a line of fire, no dirt to even eat in hopes of nutrition. We were lucky to be born into the homes we have, the lives we live, and a hope in the future. Am I saying to save them all? No, its not possible.
Yet I am the same girl who claims she'll die for her beliefs. Sacrificing my life for what I believe in. Yet I wonder the day when I do die, and how I die, the way I will react.
I am a college student. While most claim that they are broke, eat ramen noodles, or survive on a hotdog a day, I can fairly say I am healthy, make myself pasta, beef, cookies, etc. Despite stressing out on papers, group projects, presentations, internship, I still have the time to vent to friends, go out and also have fun. I am under heavy financial aid that pays for my private university tuition, and I pay my own bills (except the cellphone). With the money I have made waitressing and receiving random scholarships, I paid my way so far for university, living, and travelling around the world. I am not using this post to brag about me, but for those students who always complain that they have no money, yet have their parents pay their tuition and claim to have a stock of frozen foods in the freezer as meals, perhaps they have their priorities wrong. If they complain so much about money, and here I am paying for my education, then they need to seriously re-evaluate what they are doing to make themselves so "poor". Being a "poor" college student is a saying, but there are always ways around it. While my parents instill this idea that I should not be travelling so much and others wonder how the heck I can afford it all, I just do. I am not extravagant, but I also don't think that because I don't have money I can't do it.
So the point of this post was actually thinking about others in a 3rd world country. How kids in a Colombian Peace Community can still have fun laughing, playing ball, and hang out with their friends despite the fact that the paramilitaries, guerrillas, or some other armed groups may find some reason to attack them. Places where there are car bombs being blown, killing people every day. When 33 people died in the VA-Tech shooting yesterday, it was plastered all over the news nonstop all day. Really, though it is quite shocking and being the "deadliest shooting so far in US history" is it necessary to give it so much media attention?
And then, to have students starting to point fingers blaming the university for sending out the email 2 hrs later claiming more lives could have been saved if the warning was sent out earlier. We so easily blame others for mistakes made in order to make ourselves feel better about the events. Of course there are times when it is obviously necessary to point out that others did something wrong, but before then, take a good hard look at the situation and yourself before blaming others. It is ridiculous to accuse others for the actions, or maybe this is the "self destructive" part of me saying how we should see if we can link this to ourselves first before others. This is domestic news. If 33 people killed in one event is the biggest of our worries, then we're quite sheltered for sure.
I'm sure most of you don't care because it doesn't affect your comfort zone. Or maybe it does and then you brush it off since it is uncomfortable to think about. But people are constantly killed in poorer regions. Or they starve, not having any means to obtain or grow food. People are killed for their organs, later to be sold on the black market to rich people hoping their "loved one" survives. War. We take a life to gain a life. We selfish people shocked over something "close to home" have no idea what it is like out there in the world, with no umbrella over our heads when it rains, no bullet proof vest to save us in a line of fire, no dirt to even eat in hopes of nutrition. We were lucky to be born into the homes we have, the lives we live, and a hope in the future. Am I saying to save them all? No, its not possible.
Yet I am the same girl who claims she'll die for her beliefs. Sacrificing my life for what I believe in. Yet I wonder the day when I do die, and how I die, the way I will react.
Monday, April 16, 2007
A Conversation With Myself. (Questions taken from Keri Smith’s WishJar).
A Conversation With Myself. (Questions taken from Keri Smith’s WishJar).
"There are no mistakes, only lessons."
Yep, so if you fall down, the main thing is to get back up again. You need to understand pain to live properly.
"But you did what you knew how to do at the time."
That’s true, so live with no regrets. It’s a lessoned learned.
"So, if you had to do it again would you do it differently?"
It would be nice to do something again differently, but then it would have a different result, so maybe I would’ve been different too.
"What are you afraid of?"
Being stagnant. I’m not sure if I am afraid of being alone. Well, and spiders.
"Which is?"
Not feeling active. I want to switch around once things start to bore me.
"Are you these things?"
Others probably don't think so since I've been around a good portion of the world within 20 years of my life. But I remember being in Tallinn for 3 days and even after that time, I started feeling antsy...
"So what if you are not these things?"
Then I just have a huge issue of being antsy. Maybe I'm not feeling comfortable in my own clothes.
"Aren't we all those things at some point? Don't we all project an image of ourselves based on what we want to be?"
Yeah I guess so...but I hope I don't look like I'm always antsy...maybe I've got ADD?
"So why do you not allow yourself any imperfections?"
It's awkward...I do have flaws I know that but I don't like others seeing them.
"But isn't that what it means to be human? To have imperfections? Doesn't everyone have them?"
I don't mind others showing their imperfections. I mean I also don't want to be the best either, but I don't want the be judged.
"You don't believe that do you?"
Well...I know I tend to do that to people so I'm sure they have the same rights to do that to me.
"So why is it important that people like you all of the time?"
Cause I'm afraid of being alone and being hurt. Yet ironically I am afraid to show my feelings more to the people I care about (the portion that comes after best friends and beyond good friends) and would be even more distant with them.
"Is that really what you want?"
no. Or maybe? I think I'm pretty self-destructive.
"What do you want?"
I want people to be honest with me and I don't want to feel like an outsider.
"You used the word 'again', when did you last feel safe?"
In China when I found out my friend was doing something I felt "wrong", my other friend held my hand under the table, sort of saying it's okay to feel that way but you can't do anything about it since it's his decision.
"What if you decided to do things based on what makes YOU happy?"
Then they would ridicule me and I would probably now have second thoughts...I used to have such a decisive attitude, but now I'm not sure exactly what I want.
"What if I told you that their disappointment was based on their own expectations of themselves, on their own fears?
I'm not sure if I would care...It philosophically sounds nice and maybe I'll feel better about that statement after I digest it mentally.
"You have time."
Friday, April 13, 2007
It's the Small Things in life that count
While having a conversation with my Int'l Law classmate, he mentioned what makes one's life go around. He has a friend who wants to be a lawyer so she could boss people around. For him, he wants to move to Paris, smoke some nice ciggerettes and be Parisian. We laughed about it, but it's true, it's the small things in life that count.
So I'm wondering what are the small things in my life that currently count:
1) Grabbing a tall peppermint mocha at Starbucks on my way to work when I'm tired.
2) Watching an episode or two (or more) of Felicity before I go to sleep.
3) Thinking about my next meal and where I'll get it. I guess this goes with Good Food. Especially when it tastes perfect for your taste buds at that moment.
4) Talking to one of my best friends, Pat. He makes time at work go by a lot faster. Who cares about the time difference when laughing? Knowing I have reliable friends to count on, despite them being scattered around the world.
5) Going back to the apartment at the end of the day and knowing I have a comfy bed to sleep on.
6) Using the White Tea & Ginger shower gel from bath and body works...it smells great and it makes my day better.
7) Having parents that would help me out in any way possible if they had the ability to.
8) Passing by pretty flowers (haha yeah...I guess I do stare off into randomness too much).
9) Artsyness...It's great to see some inspiring stuff every now and then.
10) Having a tasty drink and falling asleep on the beach hearing the waves.
So I'm wondering what are the small things in my life that currently count:
1) Grabbing a tall peppermint mocha at Starbucks on my way to work when I'm tired.
2) Watching an episode or two (or more) of Felicity before I go to sleep.
3) Thinking about my next meal and where I'll get it. I guess this goes with Good Food. Especially when it tastes perfect for your taste buds at that moment.
4) Talking to one of my best friends, Pat. He makes time at work go by a lot faster. Who cares about the time difference when laughing? Knowing I have reliable friends to count on, despite them being scattered around the world.
5) Going back to the apartment at the end of the day and knowing I have a comfy bed to sleep on.
6) Using the White Tea & Ginger shower gel from bath and body works...it smells great and it makes my day better.
7) Having parents that would help me out in any way possible if they had the ability to.
8) Passing by pretty flowers (haha yeah...I guess I do stare off into randomness too much).
9) Artsyness...It's great to see some inspiring stuff every now and then.
10) Having a tasty drink and falling asleep on the beach hearing the waves.
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Feeling Artsy and Inspired.
Meeting Jerks
What compells a person to be a total jerk? Okay, I feel I am quite diplomatic, especially in first meetings. This is the hospitality side in me ingrained from years of waitressing and keeping on that "bubbly" smile, practiced by wandering from country to country, meeting random people at youth hostels.
So at dinner, I meet my friend's friend's good friend and his girlfriend. I don't think I really prejudged him, or judged him at all until 5-6 sentences of dialogue with him. When I told him I was from Jersey, he only bashed the place saying that there's absolutely nothing to do there (Which is true so I agreed), then said how the place had no money and was in debt (which I responded as I did not know but I do know we raised taxes last year), and then went to saying how I was "so asian" because I carried a camera with me everywhere and had taken it out to take pictures with my japanese friends. When I replied that I was used to carrying a camera with me everywhere because I travelled a lot, he just asked if I was a military kid. It's the first time someone assumed such things about me, especially since I'm probably the least "asian" of most asians. So in a way, I was a bit insulted. Heck, even though I'm not a fan of Jersey, I felt someone who has no experience there shouldn't say such things in the first meeting. His girlfriend was fine and all, but I've never met someone so unnecessarily rude without explanation.
Like I'm sure he was trying to play some "cool" figure, acting like an asshole downing soju and smoking ciggerettes. And no, I don't think he was interested in me since he was the same to others too, its just his personality has some issues that need to be worked on.
Then again, I think back to how I tend to be a very scary person when people first meet me at times since I like to take charge of things if there's no leader. But that's a different story.
Guess I just can't win 'em all, can I?
So at dinner, I meet my friend's friend's good friend and his girlfriend. I don't think I really prejudged him, or judged him at all until 5-6 sentences of dialogue with him. When I told him I was from Jersey, he only bashed the place saying that there's absolutely nothing to do there (Which is true so I agreed), then said how the place had no money and was in debt (which I responded as I did not know but I do know we raised taxes last year), and then went to saying how I was "so asian" because I carried a camera with me everywhere and had taken it out to take pictures with my japanese friends. When I replied that I was used to carrying a camera with me everywhere because I travelled a lot, he just asked if I was a military kid. It's the first time someone assumed such things about me, especially since I'm probably the least "asian" of most asians. So in a way, I was a bit insulted. Heck, even though I'm not a fan of Jersey, I felt someone who has no experience there shouldn't say such things in the first meeting. His girlfriend was fine and all, but I've never met someone so unnecessarily rude without explanation.
Like I'm sure he was trying to play some "cool" figure, acting like an asshole downing soju and smoking ciggerettes. And no, I don't think he was interested in me since he was the same to others too, its just his personality has some issues that need to be worked on.
Then again, I think back to how I tend to be a very scary person when people first meet me at times since I like to take charge of things if there's no leader. But that's a different story.
Guess I just can't win 'em all, can I?
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
Cured (of being lost)
Or so I say. In the past months of questioning myself, my habits, and reflecting about my daily thoughts and attitudes, I have come to the conclusion of my bipolarity during this time period of China till now. This unknown reason that engulfed me I have finally put a name to it, and in time, I learned how I was in a desperate attempt to escape reality. I know subconsciously that I needed to get out of it and return to the real world. Many attempts were made, even cancelling my semester in Japan and telling people to yell at me to make me realize. And I thought it did work; I was back in DC living a moderately content life. Yet I realized one of my mistakes came from latching onto that single meagre thread for escape.
Hanging around with one of my friends from Belgium; back during the times when all we did was bar hopping and that was the only type of conversation we had. Belgium was a land of worry free woes, one of those atmospheres of nonchalance, you don't talk about your issues to me, and I won't to you. In my mind, I thought I would never see them again, I had my own path to walk, so I didn't care much about seeing them in the future. It was only when I went to China meeting the good friends I made there, did it open up a can of worms. Perhaps I grew a heart- I actually worried when my friend disappeared for a few days without much of a notice, I dished out advice for those and their concerns and listened to other's problems. My friends and I talked about life, society, and the world around us, something that required more substance than the people I hung around with in Belgium.
And when the single meagre thread for escape finally snapped, it was like one of those slow motioned movies where the thread slowly unwinds and breaks bit by bit and whatever it was holding falls down with a thump. My mind was in this numb, nonpissed off state of depression where at the same time filled with chaos (and I suppose it was also that time of the month). I even considered xyanax as a temporary cure. Rather, I finally got out of my apartment and met up my classmate and his friends and went out. It was probably the best time I had in months- simply dancing and going out, forgetting all my past simple minded problems. It only got better as I branched out hanging out with the various friends I have and their branches of friends, talking to random intellects at the coffeeshop, and learning more about my field. Finally something in me woke up and realized how my past subconscious fears of being alone disappeared-something I thought already dissipated when my friend Zach had helped me talk it through about this panic attack while in China.
I am back to being me- no more being anxious, unnecessary stress, just wandering life as a silly simple human being. Sitting outside, watching cars roll by and people crossing the streets. There's this artsy flavour back in me, I have a world to paint red. Anyone want to join me? I'll be delighted for your craziness. :)
Hanging around with one of my friends from Belgium; back during the times when all we did was bar hopping and that was the only type of conversation we had. Belgium was a land of worry free woes, one of those atmospheres of nonchalance, you don't talk about your issues to me, and I won't to you. In my mind, I thought I would never see them again, I had my own path to walk, so I didn't care much about seeing them in the future. It was only when I went to China meeting the good friends I made there, did it open up a can of worms. Perhaps I grew a heart- I actually worried when my friend disappeared for a few days without much of a notice, I dished out advice for those and their concerns and listened to other's problems. My friends and I talked about life, society, and the world around us, something that required more substance than the people I hung around with in Belgium.
And when the single meagre thread for escape finally snapped, it was like one of those slow motioned movies where the thread slowly unwinds and breaks bit by bit and whatever it was holding falls down with a thump. My mind was in this numb, nonpissed off state of depression where at the same time filled with chaos (and I suppose it was also that time of the month). I even considered xyanax as a temporary cure. Rather, I finally got out of my apartment and met up my classmate and his friends and went out. It was probably the best time I had in months- simply dancing and going out, forgetting all my past simple minded problems. It only got better as I branched out hanging out with the various friends I have and their branches of friends, talking to random intellects at the coffeeshop, and learning more about my field. Finally something in me woke up and realized how my past subconscious fears of being alone disappeared-something I thought already dissipated when my friend Zach had helped me talk it through about this panic attack while in China.
I am back to being me- no more being anxious, unnecessary stress, just wandering life as a silly simple human being. Sitting outside, watching cars roll by and people crossing the streets. There's this artsy flavour back in me, I have a world to paint red. Anyone want to join me? I'll be delighted for your craziness. :)
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