Living life one step at a time.

A lot has happened in the past 10 days. Long story very short, Pretty much, a change of course in my future plans. I never felt as freaked out as I have been the past days as I contemplated about the future of my life. I was supposed to go to Japan, had second thoughts, then based it all on whether or not I got a scholarship. Well in the end, I didn't, and strategically (though financially more), it is best to be back at AU. So that's where I decided...as I claimed, officially. I still have time to decide, and as Zach had calmed me down earlier on Sunday (thank goodness he was around), not to count my chickens or eggs before they hatch. Or some similar analogy. After talking to him, I felt so much better as I was going insane about my decision to be back at AU.

After reading an email from my Japan advisor, Heidi, who responded to my "I might not be going to Japan anymore" she made me feel positive of all my decisions. I laughed about my worried feelings on Sunday as it was the first time in years I have felt so mentally unstable with decision making, and felt like I might just as well end up going to AU, take courses and all of a sudden come end of March, and I just book it and fly off to Japan.

Honestly I feel like I have nothing to keep me grounded. When someone asked me where do I want to be, I don't know. Anything has been good as long as I was off and around the world. Nothing has intrigued me long enough to keep my interest and made me feel like I had a place there. Perhaps travelling is my drug of choice...I don't know how it all adds up financially, but I guess it would be almost the same price?? Though saying travelling is my hobby sounds more...sophisticated. LoL, imagine if someone wrote "using drugs" in their list of hobbies...eerrhhh kay.

As people started counting down, which I have down for the past months, I feel like this time I finally have stopped counting. I have decided to just things go with the flow, and finally am back to myself. It's a nice feeling going back to normalcy. I've also noticed how I had this sudden realization that I'm over with seeing some good friends I have made here. I'm quite sure I'll see Bennett and Jon around at AU and hang out with them, but some people that I have been hanging around so often I know I definitely won't see them again. Like "ohhh I will come visit you!" etc etc bs. BULL. 99% of them, I can definitely tell it'll be "seeyaaa!" and that will be that.

I know I'll be in Boston for sure seeing some peeps, visitng my bestfriend, killing two or three birds with one stone. But besides that, all of a sudden i look at some and think- well, you say those words so openly that I definitely predict it will not happen. Don't both to even say you'll keep in touch when you don't mean it. I've travelled long enough to pick out who is going to make the effort.

I guess that me being back to normal, I have noticed more and more people's real faces and though I thought I knew some people real well, I can just predict that another layer will just show a face of lies. Then start wondering how long they have been lying and putting up that fake face, or like which words are full of bs. I try to keep my word so I know my deal. But besides that, life is just full of lies, and liars who tell them.

I decided not to take any more shit from people and just do things my way from now on. As one lady said to me outside of Shaoyuan 5- "explanations- friends don't need em, and enemies don't care". If you're a real friend, you'll also take that iniative to approach me first without having to say so. But I have that feeling that, well, if we do meet again in a chance meeting or effort, then it's meant to be that way. But besides that, I'm just to realistic.

Gong An? Gong An??

Anyone call for a Gong An?
公安
That's one word people should know in China. Especially foreigners.

I only came upon that word as the police car was parked outside my dorm for the past 2 days, and came to recognize it from- gong as in public, and an (which i learned in japanese first)- to be at east. So translates to public ease. Finally got that into my vocab and well put at use on my way to Bennett's apartment.

We head into a cab and the cabbie decides to take a left turn out of ximen (rather than the right, which is fastest), and somehow takes the highway. Usually, to Bennett's place its towards Wudaokou on the main road and turn a left before we hit the train station. So that wasn't even a long way, it was probably the longest way possible some sly cheat can conjure up. So, I ask him why he was taking such a long road. In Chinese of course. He ignores me. I call him driver in Chinese. He ignores me. I finally tap on his shoulder and he responds, and I asked him the former question again. He does the Ting Bu Dong (can't understand), and fails to even try the slightest bit to try and understand. So...he wants to play it that way eh??

I whip out my vocabulary, finally well put into use. If he thinks I suck at Chinese, why not? I say in the most innocently high pitched or retarded sounding (wrong tones and all) Mandarin- "Gong Ahn? Gong Ahn?" That got his attention since he was startled. I decided to see how far I could play since I was in the mood to push buttons. Almost an eye for an eye. "Gong Ahn? Gong An? Da den wa gei gong an?" --aka give a call to police? LoL. I decided to play around with that phrase a little more like I was practicing my chinese.

Finally he was about several turns away when I get back to sounding serious and just told him in Mandarin- We know what you're doing, we're not stupid. Loud enough for him to listen if he wants, enough to pretend i was having conversation with my two poorly spoken foreign friends in chinese, though they definitely did not know what i would be saying lol. cab moves along a little faster. Finally there. Bennett takes the reciept this time around, to back up his threat. Karma man, Karma. It'll find him. It's all about honesty.

Buddha, a Christian, and an alien?!

Just being contemplative. Contemplatively artsy.

The past week has been quite a studious week. I don't know why, but I felt compelled to work on my paper till i'm finished with each and every one. To add a fun state to it, rub it in other people's faces mwahaha. Okay I'm kidding.

I've been feeling artsy lately, perhaps after cracking from paper writing. Maybe even ambitious enough to send out christmas cards. LoL maybe. If I find something of that sort. mmhhh to stretch out from my typical group of hangout buds has been refreshing, but nonetheless, I realized how there are just some people you do certain things with and enjoy a lot more. No matter how I want to ween off of my friends here, I realize how I'm a little worried that I'll never see them again, 90% chance of that. It's sad, but that's how paths are crossed. Perhaps I'll see the people that go to my school again, but as for the rest, after the first chance meeting, the second, maybe it means friendships are strengthened. No matter how I say I miss you to some of my friends and really mean it, it doesn't mean anything in the end. However, if we do have the chance to meet again, now that definitely means something. Just let things flow, and see where life takes us. I'm ready to spin the globe and wherever my finger stops, I'll go. My paths have widened up to the point where perhaps it may not be spontaneous, but I have so many possibilities where everything is an option.

Why are we so afraid? I find myself feeling that way sometimes.

Should I be counting down?

As things come to a close, I yet still have another few months here in China. Fall has come and soon to pass. I find myself being in Beijing for a little longer. It's funny how life works: everything falls in place, there is a stage set for the next scene. (yes, i'm feeling a little artsy at the moment and no I don't have a glass of wine in hand).

And then you ponder if you settled without fully realizing? I told everyone that I wouldn't live in Beijing, then ironically, I find myself several days later extending my stay. I try to imagine myself in the next few months, alone. It is refreshing, yet a little sad that the friends I have made here will come and go. Who knows if I'll see them again, who knows what they actually think when they leave. We all split onto our own ways, but I hope some of them I will cross paths with and reconnect, over a cup of coffee perhaps. I really do hope so, as some are quite innovative and I want to hear about their success conquering or making it a better place. I guess I shouldn't be shedding tears just yet, as I have another month with them. But I try to ween myself off, so as to prepare myself for the January alone in Beijing as a young non-studious adult, and for the time that comes to truly part from them. It'll be a lot harder than with the bunch I had in Belgium though I'll confess.