So on my way to work, I picked up the Express paper, noticing an article on narcissism amongst college students. Ignoring it, I found some better things inside the paper, like my horoscope for the day. However, while at work on my computer, the article pops up again on msn news. So being that it seems like it's calling me to read it, so that is what I did.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17349066/?GT1=9033
“Unfortunately, narcissism can also have very negative consequences for society, including the breakdown of close relationships with others,” he said.
The study asserts that narcissists “are more likely to have romantic relationships that are short-lived, at risk for infidelity, lack emotional warmth, and to exhibit game-playing, dishonesty, and over-controlling and violent behaviors.”
Okay, I don't know who really did this study about college student behaviour, but I don't feel that narcissism with college students and the above quotes should go into an article together. I don't deny above said, but how can this "narcissim" be harmful? Okay, so some people are Over confident, and perhaps some do need a good dose of reality about the cruel world in finding jobs, but honestly, a bit of confidence never hurt anyone. Maybe this is MY NARCISSIST side talking here, but I don't think companies would want to hire someone who is an introvert, and can't make decisions on their own. Confidence is the key to life- and people who at least act like they know what they're doing, people trust them more (as opposed to calling them incompetent).
I'm not saying I support those actions above study stated, but who hasn't acted like that in their own times being a college student? It is the time to explore and have some fun before going out to the real world. Back in the older times, people would establish longer romantic relationships because this was the time they would be popping the question. Heck some people still do that now. As for others, they realized their life became a bit longer, they have more time to find their other half, to do more before having to feed extra mouths and raise a family. Violent behaviors? I say we're all violent in our own way, and that doesn't change through time.
I say this so called Narcissism is a necessity in our society especially at our age when we need to figure out who we are and what we want. Perhaps some are overconfident (I do know a handful) and in time they need a step back from society and have some reflection time. I don't think this article viewed college students in the best of light and I feel it is wrong to just accuse 20-some year olds of being self centered. We are at the time when we're either too young or inexperienced to get a job, or too old to fit into the kid mold. The expectations are high and the qualifications are just not yet good enough.
I believe in falling down and getting back up again in life. Life is about experiences. I'm sorry we're not barbie dolls with the perfect life and find the perfect matching ken doll to go along with our relationship. We make mistakes. And I enjoy knowing I can make those mistakes. We weren't born perfect, and we never will be perfect. The process is learning. We may exhibit those qualities, but I don't think there's anything wrong with it all. So stop judging us and take a reflection at your own life, author.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Friday, February 23, 2007
It all comes down to Politics
So on my big attempt to work on my 5 page paper/20min presentation, I sat down at the library for quite some hours, churning approximately 3 pages and thorough reading. As I was packing up for the day, I decided to read one last reading packet for my Japanese Political Economy. It was about Comfort Women.
Okay, honestly, the title didn't strike me much as I thought about it as perhaps housewifes and comfort food you know? But as I read on beyond the title, I then realized, (yes I'm a bit slow) comfort woman were basically sex slaves during Japanese portion of WWII. Can't really call them prostitutes as they were not paid, but merely used in excessive rape for Japanese soldiers so they would not go romping and raping women on the streets (which they of course still did anyways). I'm not going to go into the whole -men fight wars in order to hide their penis size- (oh do read M Butterfly, that was such an amazing line- "with the dicks the size of pins") but essentially boil it down to my thoughts of these Comfort Women.
I've read The Rape of Nanking, heck I read it a month before spending a year in Japan. Probably bad idea but I had to read it sometime in my life anyways. The abuse of women during war I guess goes along with the spoils. All according to past customs of "to the victor goes the spoils". As a Chinese American, I never really thought much about my heritage, my grandparents and such, having to deal with that portion of the past. At least not until I read The Rape of Nanking. My grandma was fortunate enough to not end up with such a scarring past, but a good tens of thousands of women did. In the Comfort Women reading, the issue was not only about compensation, but also the alteration of history.
I have a lot of angles to take this from. I've been to Japan, I'm Chinese, and I'm American. There's a side of me that wants to take the Chinese side- the fact that Japanese government never sincerely apologized. The compensation money to these women were privately (note: PRIVATELY) donated to those comfort women. Therefore, the government did not take any responsibility. Heck, it could have had the same liability has genocide in the Balkans with their treatment of women. But Japan was lucky to come off with a pretty clean slate.
Then there's the aspect of the Japan. Here, docile Japanese citizens, good hearted citizens, gave money out of their own pockets to make up for their country's past mistakes. Now, you can't say Japanese people are bad. So you say the Japanese government is bad! I mean, look at past prime minister Koizumi- he angered all his asian neighbors once a year just by going to the Yasukuni Shrine. So what is the government trying to portray?? I find it so interesting that Japanese citizens would work hard together to improve the country (I mean, look at us Americans?? We still bicker about silly religion when we could be out there doing good deeds!)
Then there's my American side. The I don't care a farthing. The it's the past, it's done and over with. Seriously, in terms of legal aspects, Japan has been quite lucky. The PEOPLE (not government) actually paid off another country to save their own face. If not, heck, probably half the governments would be committing suicide by now (perhaps both political and literal).
Then there's the victim side- does compensation money really help swallow the pride ones lost? Why is it we always try to play victim?
Then finally, there's the: the past is the past. Japan has done enough repentence. China and Korea should just move on.
And honestly, I wouldn't know how to answer this issue. Thank goodness it's not for me to decide then, eh?
Okay, honestly, the title didn't strike me much as I thought about it as perhaps housewifes and comfort food you know? But as I read on beyond the title, I then realized, (yes I'm a bit slow) comfort woman were basically sex slaves during Japanese portion of WWII. Can't really call them prostitutes as they were not paid, but merely used in excessive rape for Japanese soldiers so they would not go romping and raping women on the streets (which they of course still did anyways). I'm not going to go into the whole -men fight wars in order to hide their penis size- (oh do read M Butterfly, that was such an amazing line- "with the dicks the size of pins") but essentially boil it down to my thoughts of these Comfort Women.
I've read The Rape of Nanking, heck I read it a month before spending a year in Japan. Probably bad idea but I had to read it sometime in my life anyways. The abuse of women during war I guess goes along with the spoils. All according to past customs of "to the victor goes the spoils". As a Chinese American, I never really thought much about my heritage, my grandparents and such, having to deal with that portion of the past. At least not until I read The Rape of Nanking. My grandma was fortunate enough to not end up with such a scarring past, but a good tens of thousands of women did. In the Comfort Women reading, the issue was not only about compensation, but also the alteration of history.
I have a lot of angles to take this from. I've been to Japan, I'm Chinese, and I'm American. There's a side of me that wants to take the Chinese side- the fact that Japanese government never sincerely apologized. The compensation money to these women were privately (note: PRIVATELY) donated to those comfort women. Therefore, the government did not take any responsibility. Heck, it could have had the same liability has genocide in the Balkans with their treatment of women. But Japan was lucky to come off with a pretty clean slate.
Then there's the aspect of the Japan. Here, docile Japanese citizens, good hearted citizens, gave money out of their own pockets to make up for their country's past mistakes. Now, you can't say Japanese people are bad. So you say the Japanese government is bad! I mean, look at past prime minister Koizumi- he angered all his asian neighbors once a year just by going to the Yasukuni Shrine. So what is the government trying to portray?? I find it so interesting that Japanese citizens would work hard together to improve the country (I mean, look at us Americans?? We still bicker about silly religion when we could be out there doing good deeds!)
Then there's my American side. The I don't care a farthing. The it's the past, it's done and over with. Seriously, in terms of legal aspects, Japan has been quite lucky. The PEOPLE (not government) actually paid off another country to save their own face. If not, heck, probably half the governments would be committing suicide by now (perhaps both political and literal).
Then there's the victim side- does compensation money really help swallow the pride ones lost? Why is it we always try to play victim?
Then finally, there's the: the past is the past. Japan has done enough repentence. China and Korea should just move on.
And honestly, I wouldn't know how to answer this issue. Thank goodness it's not for me to decide then, eh?
Monday, February 19, 2007
Being Open
It's funny, I always feel like I'm a pretty outgoing person. Perhaps it's the training from being in the hospitality industry- waitressing, hostessing, working with people. I would put on this smile for all others, put them ahead of myself and get the job done.
Then when it comes to myself, I start wondering how the heck I shirk back from all that and put a wall up. As much as I do talk about myself, it feels like it's the same old recycled stories going through this computer brain of mine. I'd give the same rant to everyone, perhaps more in detail when it comes to talking with my best friends. I guess they come in forms of light hearted complaints and whines or extreme enthusiasm which then people don't need to take seriously. I guess those complaints are semi in the form of my feelings, but I never really directly say my personal feelings out loud (unless it's for some adamant cause in which I say loud and clear).
However, I think the only time I really sat down and had real tete a tetes with someone was with this friend of mine in China. I never really had to do such a thing and even though it was awkward, it was probably the most honest thing out there. And seriously, we would sit down and talk about our friendship with each other, our relationship as friends and fix the downs when we have them. I guess I never really had issues with other friends of mine going through the downs, but it was also my friend who brought the issues up and made me awkwardly sit down and 'fess up about what I really thought. I hated it each time since he was tugging at my heart but it actually worked.
I guess the point of this post was my thoughts on tete a tetes. Tell others what's bothering you (as my stomach is right now) and the amount people can handle. Sometimes when I do tell what's on my mind, it hurts some people. Some take offense, some take it as a real eye opener. I've had to deal with hearing both. Heck, people actually admitted it to me. So here I am, wondering once again whether to be diplomatic in my approach or to really smack people with a sense of reality.
Then when it comes to myself, I start wondering how the heck I shirk back from all that and put a wall up. As much as I do talk about myself, it feels like it's the same old recycled stories going through this computer brain of mine. I'd give the same rant to everyone, perhaps more in detail when it comes to talking with my best friends. I guess they come in forms of light hearted complaints and whines or extreme enthusiasm which then people don't need to take seriously. I guess those complaints are semi in the form of my feelings, but I never really directly say my personal feelings out loud (unless it's for some adamant cause in which I say loud and clear).
However, I think the only time I really sat down and had real tete a tetes with someone was with this friend of mine in China. I never really had to do such a thing and even though it was awkward, it was probably the most honest thing out there. And seriously, we would sit down and talk about our friendship with each other, our relationship as friends and fix the downs when we have them. I guess I never really had issues with other friends of mine going through the downs, but it was also my friend who brought the issues up and made me awkwardly sit down and 'fess up about what I really thought. I hated it each time since he was tugging at my heart but it actually worked.
I guess the point of this post was my thoughts on tete a tetes. Tell others what's bothering you (as my stomach is right now) and the amount people can handle. Sometimes when I do tell what's on my mind, it hurts some people. Some take offense, some take it as a real eye opener. I've had to deal with hearing both. Heck, people actually admitted it to me. So here I am, wondering once again whether to be diplomatic in my approach or to really smack people with a sense of reality.
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Goals and Dreams
For my phone interview for my internship, one of the questions asked was: "What do you think is your biggest accomplishment?" Well honestly, I wouldn't know how to measure that. So I told them, sure some people think that me knowing at least 3 other languages, studying abroad, etc is my big accomplishment. Probably my parents thought the fact I am going to college (first generation college student), getting a bunch of scholarships etc, is my biggest accomplishment. As for myself, I honestly wouldn't know, and so I told them that having a goal in life was probably an accomplishment in itself as many people really won't have one.
Well, I got the internship for those who wanted to know and currently loving it. But that's not the point of this post.
Lately, I've opened up my creativity to have way too many goals. Here I was, hoping to be a diplomat, work for a few years dabbling in all sorts of government related diplomacy, then use my knowledge to work on international (aero)space relations (yes I'm a lil crazy as most people never heard of this area) as some sort of ambassador.
Yet, as of last semester, I started to work on a proposal in trying to get an exchange program started for Spring Bud girls, disadvantaged chinese girls trying to get some schooling in. So I was figuring these disadvantaged kids would have such better futures if they were able to get overseas experience with the funding of some organization, like Rotary. But Beijing Rotary is a bit of a letdown (will have to call them up sometime), and the more I ask for ideas, the more I get. I'm afraid, as my boss keeps on telling me, I'd make a terrific professional NGO worker. If I am not that already. If I strive on this proposal, then I'll be consumed with this my entire life...which is my fear.
I've always loved this sense of stable instability. That's how I roll with my adventures and that is how I continue to live such a spontaneous life. I'm a workaholic towards my ambitions. I want to live and make a difference, make the world revolve (in a good way). I'm not saying my future is far from closing in, but at the same time, there are so many roads to take that are slowly being more...narrow. I guess along with that stable instability outlook, it is the same with the secure/insecurity thing. temporary/permanence. I guess I'm afraid of many silly things in life, one being that I might be in the Asian specialty my whole life. Stuck, as one may call it?
There's just so many tasks in my life that just needs to be done like a checklist.
Well, I got the internship for those who wanted to know and currently loving it. But that's not the point of this post.
Lately, I've opened up my creativity to have way too many goals. Here I was, hoping to be a diplomat, work for a few years dabbling in all sorts of government related diplomacy, then use my knowledge to work on international (aero)space relations (yes I'm a lil crazy as most people never heard of this area) as some sort of ambassador.
Yet, as of last semester, I started to work on a proposal in trying to get an exchange program started for Spring Bud girls, disadvantaged chinese girls trying to get some schooling in. So I was figuring these disadvantaged kids would have such better futures if they were able to get overseas experience with the funding of some organization, like Rotary. But Beijing Rotary is a bit of a letdown (will have to call them up sometime), and the more I ask for ideas, the more I get. I'm afraid, as my boss keeps on telling me, I'd make a terrific professional NGO worker. If I am not that already. If I strive on this proposal, then I'll be consumed with this my entire life...which is my fear.
I've always loved this sense of stable instability. That's how I roll with my adventures and that is how I continue to live such a spontaneous life. I'm a workaholic towards my ambitions. I want to live and make a difference, make the world revolve (in a good way). I'm not saying my future is far from closing in, but at the same time, there are so many roads to take that are slowly being more...narrow. I guess along with that stable instability outlook, it is the same with the secure/insecurity thing. temporary/permanence. I guess I'm afraid of many silly things in life, one being that I might be in the Asian specialty my whole life. Stuck, as one may call it?
There's just so many tasks in my life that just needs to be done like a checklist.
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Afraid to Be Alone?
I'm not sure if I am reiterating this but there is a sense where everyone is alone in this world.
I'm very simple minded in many ways. I've been alone most of my life, of course with family and friends to always be there for me. Yet the basis of what I do, I do on my own. Reading a bit of Kimi wa Petto last night (procrastinating on some paper/presentation writing), I thought about human nature and the reliance of others. Actually, I rely heavily on friends- they are the pillars of my life. And especially for my best friends, they know, that I'd always do whatever I can to be there for them when life goes wrong (and they also know I have an attention span of a squirrel so I suck talking on the phone).
Reliance on myself. As today is Valentines Day and there is a thought of gift giving involved, well, I really don't see much of the commercial holiday as I am also at work from morning to night helping to run a conference, then heading off to night class.
Simplicity. I'm sure a lot of people can get those chocolates, gifts, and cards. Then there are those girls who want some extravagant gift just to show off to whoever they are around. I guess that's cool for them, but being that I learned to surivive on the bare minimal (looks at closet and rethinks the statement... okay I guess I accumulated a bit in China), I only almost need what is necessary. I also get those days when I can always deck out all my Tiffany jewelry and act like some vain princess, but it's too much effort (plus it's heavy!). I own my own gemstones, I buy what I want, so honestly I really don't need much in this world in terms of materialistic goods. Maybe some Vivienne Westwood if you work there. Gucci, Chanel, Prada, Louis Vuitton, all overplayed. As much as I love chocolates, I can't eat a full box of Godiva in one sitting. Maybe Ferraro Rocher.... But it's the small things that count, things that I can remember.
LoL, like times in Germany when we painted the town red. And that delicious meal I had in Koln on New Years Eve. That unique restaurant in Tallinn that was set in the Middle Ages. Pizza (that burnt the roof of my mouth) after clubbing. Laying on the windy beach falling asleep in Cyprus. I can go on into a different post on this some other time, but honestly, I've learned that not many gifts do surprise or excite me now. Though I did give a weird look to the twig in my bag my friend threw in there (China), smile when my mom gave me a ring or a necklace (hey I've got only one neck, can't wear em all), etc...
So I guess the point of this post was initially a thought about when a friend of mine when we were in China asked me why I was so afraid to be alone...I wasn't. We need our alone time, but knowing we only had 3 1/2 months with each other, I thought hey why not make the most out of it since I won't ever see them again. So I wanted to spend more time with them. Perhaps deep down I don't like being alone, maybe not afraid. Perhaps at times when I try calling my friends, all of them are out of reach...maybe then I am simply...alone.
I'm very simple minded in many ways. I've been alone most of my life, of course with family and friends to always be there for me. Yet the basis of what I do, I do on my own. Reading a bit of Kimi wa Petto last night (procrastinating on some paper/presentation writing), I thought about human nature and the reliance of others. Actually, I rely heavily on friends- they are the pillars of my life. And especially for my best friends, they know, that I'd always do whatever I can to be there for them when life goes wrong (and they also know I have an attention span of a squirrel so I suck talking on the phone).
Reliance on myself. As today is Valentines Day and there is a thought of gift giving involved, well, I really don't see much of the commercial holiday as I am also at work from morning to night helping to run a conference, then heading off to night class.
Simplicity. I'm sure a lot of people can get those chocolates, gifts, and cards. Then there are those girls who want some extravagant gift just to show off to whoever they are around. I guess that's cool for them, but being that I learned to surivive on the bare minimal (looks at closet and rethinks the statement... okay I guess I accumulated a bit in China), I only almost need what is necessary. I also get those days when I can always deck out all my Tiffany jewelry and act like some vain princess, but it's too much effort (plus it's heavy!). I own my own gemstones, I buy what I want, so honestly I really don't need much in this world in terms of materialistic goods. Maybe some Vivienne Westwood if you work there. Gucci, Chanel, Prada, Louis Vuitton, all overplayed. As much as I love chocolates, I can't eat a full box of Godiva in one sitting. Maybe Ferraro Rocher.... But it's the small things that count, things that I can remember.
LoL, like times in Germany when we painted the town red. And that delicious meal I had in Koln on New Years Eve. That unique restaurant in Tallinn that was set in the Middle Ages. Pizza (that burnt the roof of my mouth) after clubbing. Laying on the windy beach falling asleep in Cyprus. I can go on into a different post on this some other time, but honestly, I've learned that not many gifts do surprise or excite me now. Though I did give a weird look to the twig in my bag my friend threw in there (China), smile when my mom gave me a ring or a necklace (hey I've got only one neck, can't wear em all), etc...
So I guess the point of this post was initially a thought about when a friend of mine when we were in China asked me why I was so afraid to be alone...I wasn't. We need our alone time, but knowing we only had 3 1/2 months with each other, I thought hey why not make the most out of it since I won't ever see them again. So I wanted to spend more time with them. Perhaps deep down I don't like being alone, maybe not afraid. Perhaps at times when I try calling my friends, all of them are out of reach...maybe then I am simply...alone.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Relationships, How Far Does The Network Stretch?
Relationships are quite important in building bridges amongst people. I mean, of course no man is an island. The connection made just passing by someone could be a potential relationship, a spark--and that's the beauty of it all.
So now, as I was sitting in my International Law class with a bunch of future law school kids, the professor is painting a grim tale about the cons of being a lawyer, and one's probably success working in a big firm. The key to it all is networking.
Being quite confident of my resume and networking skills, I felt like I did not have this problem. I may not ever go into the business of law school and be required to smooze clients, but I do have the connections I need to build a level of trust and understanding in the NGO and (hopefully sometime later) the government. I've worked in the "strategic advising" (aka lobbying) area while I was in Belgium, pure NGO (though will nationalist undertones of course) in China, and now I'm quite confident my work at NCIV will only cultivate more relationships and the areas of my interest: (public) diplomacy. Perhaps not so much in my long term goal in international aerospace relations, but I will work my way in eventually. I've always enjoyed fancy events and hanging out with older people learning about their jobs and expertise- and in some sense I have been networking. Anyways, this wasn't post wasn't supposed to be about me and my bragging rights in my own blog, but it was the introduction to thinking.
How much are you willing to sell your (soul) self in order to make it to the top?
It made me think of a girl I have come to know on my trip in China. She was very good at this skill, knowing that connections were the way to go. In fact, one of the first week we hung out together, she did explicitly mention that with my line of goals (I want to be a diplomat) perhaps she'll look me up some time later in life and we should keep in touch. I never really thought much about it except the exchange of cordial relations of being classmates.
At first glance, she was an amazing strong person. Open, gorgeous, athletic blond. I have to say on some level I admired her and her goals (of law school, being in so and so), her desire to be successful. Plenty of life experiences by the age of 21 which had made her mature. She was definitely driven.
Then as most may know from knowing a group of new people- everyone usually hangs out together and eventually drift into their own cliques. Well, she drifted into one that was more known to be the party group (mostly boys) from her school. I did not think much about it as it is understandable people from the same schools tend to group together better, as I branched off into one of my own. In due time, she was with this guy which quite made everyone question her taste.
I hate to pull the beautiful girl with the ugly guy stereotype since interest is definitely beyond looks, but she kept on persuading me, the roommate, and our other friend, that he was sweet and they have a good time together. Okay, I'll accept that since I would often give people a chance. Getting sexiled for it is a different story, but I won't get into that.
Then, comes ugly guy jealousy. Girl also enjoys talking to people (who wouldn't, it's a basis of life) and it so happens that half of this world population is of guys. I guess somehow there's a reason why ugly guys are ugly, they have confidence issues that when there is jealousy, they only get uglier. So she and the guy go out with the group every weekend to party, he assumes that whenever she talks to a guy she is flirting, and they end up fighting. He also calls her a blond ho just for jokes (which she doesn't mind, but on my scale, it would). They fight, kiss and make up, new week starts.
Finally, girl does a Girl's Night Out, having fun drinking, dancing (with guys for fun duh), doing girls stuff. Girl goes back to dorms early morning to say hi to guy, ugly guy accuses her first off the bat of her making out with random guys (which she did not do in the course of the evening), and being inebriated, she finally does her strong lawyer type argument and exclaims, "I don't even know why I'm with you" and breaks it off.
Therefore ugly guy mopes and mulls for the weekend, sulks some more to friends and brings up the courage to talk to her 48 hrs later. Somehow the apology and communication work out well and in due course, they are back together while friend and I look on saying "why the heck would she inflict herself with such an tard?"
Long story short, I hear weeks later talking to my friend about the girl and ugly guy relationship, and it turns out she did it because "his parents are so and so (probably not much) and so he has connections that I don't want to break off in such a way." In the course of spending time with this girl and hearing her stories about the type of people at her school (basically rich girls going to find well-connected husbands), she has told me how she sometimes would act and be like one of those girls when hanging out with girls of that clique.
But her true form was just a chilled girl who loves wearing cargo pants, with a childhood story of extreme financial difficulties. Instead of drowning in this difficulty, she chose to swim and overcome it. However, I wonder, did she lose herself in the process? This girl, with a heavy lump of life experiences that included a quickly failed marriage, strong athletic training, ambitions to rise in the real world...
So now, as I was sitting in my International Law class with a bunch of future law school kids, the professor is painting a grim tale about the cons of being a lawyer, and one's probably success working in a big firm. The key to it all is networking.
Being quite confident of my resume and networking skills, I felt like I did not have this problem. I may not ever go into the business of law school and be required to smooze clients, but I do have the connections I need to build a level of trust and understanding in the NGO and (hopefully sometime later) the government. I've worked in the "strategic advising" (aka lobbying) area while I was in Belgium, pure NGO (though will nationalist undertones of course) in China, and now I'm quite confident my work at NCIV will only cultivate more relationships and the areas of my interest: (public) diplomacy. Perhaps not so much in my long term goal in international aerospace relations, but I will work my way in eventually. I've always enjoyed fancy events and hanging out with older people learning about their jobs and expertise- and in some sense I have been networking. Anyways, this wasn't post wasn't supposed to be about me and my bragging rights in my own blog, but it was the introduction to thinking.
How much are you willing to sell your (soul) self in order to make it to the top?
It made me think of a girl I have come to know on my trip in China. She was very good at this skill, knowing that connections were the way to go. In fact, one of the first week we hung out together, she did explicitly mention that with my line of goals (I want to be a diplomat) perhaps she'll look me up some time later in life and we should keep in touch. I never really thought much about it except the exchange of cordial relations of being classmates.
At first glance, she was an amazing strong person. Open, gorgeous, athletic blond. I have to say on some level I admired her and her goals (of law school, being in so and so), her desire to be successful. Plenty of life experiences by the age of 21 which had made her mature. She was definitely driven.
Then as most may know from knowing a group of new people- everyone usually hangs out together and eventually drift into their own cliques. Well, she drifted into one that was more known to be the party group (mostly boys) from her school. I did not think much about it as it is understandable people from the same schools tend to group together better, as I branched off into one of my own. In due time, she was with this guy which quite made everyone question her taste.
I hate to pull the beautiful girl with the ugly guy stereotype since interest is definitely beyond looks, but she kept on persuading me, the roommate, and our other friend, that he was sweet and they have a good time together. Okay, I'll accept that since I would often give people a chance. Getting sexiled for it is a different story, but I won't get into that.
Then, comes ugly guy jealousy. Girl also enjoys talking to people (who wouldn't, it's a basis of life) and it so happens that half of this world population is of guys. I guess somehow there's a reason why ugly guys are ugly, they have confidence issues that when there is jealousy, they only get uglier. So she and the guy go out with the group every weekend to party, he assumes that whenever she talks to a guy she is flirting, and they end up fighting. He also calls her a blond ho just for jokes (which she doesn't mind, but on my scale, it would). They fight, kiss and make up, new week starts.
Finally, girl does a Girl's Night Out, having fun drinking, dancing (with guys for fun duh), doing girls stuff. Girl goes back to dorms early morning to say hi to guy, ugly guy accuses her first off the bat of her making out with random guys (which she did not do in the course of the evening), and being inebriated, she finally does her strong lawyer type argument and exclaims, "I don't even know why I'm with you" and breaks it off.
Therefore ugly guy mopes and mulls for the weekend, sulks some more to friends and brings up the courage to talk to her 48 hrs later. Somehow the apology and communication work out well and in due course, they are back together while friend and I look on saying "why the heck would she inflict herself with such an tard?"
Long story short, I hear weeks later talking to my friend about the girl and ugly guy relationship, and it turns out she did it because "his parents are so and so (probably not much) and so he has connections that I don't want to break off in such a way." In the course of spending time with this girl and hearing her stories about the type of people at her school (basically rich girls going to find well-connected husbands), she has told me how she sometimes would act and be like one of those girls when hanging out with girls of that clique.
But her true form was just a chilled girl who loves wearing cargo pants, with a childhood story of extreme financial difficulties. Instead of drowning in this difficulty, she chose to swim and overcome it. However, I wonder, did she lose herself in the process? This girl, with a heavy lump of life experiences that included a quickly failed marriage, strong athletic training, ambitions to rise in the real world...
I never can imagine selling myself to such an extent that there might as well be a multiple personality disorder in place. I sometimes put on a fake smile just to keep the day going, but never join in a crowd where I joined in just for networking and hating it.
I guess I have been quite fortunate in my daily endeavors not to be quite worried for my future or the flow of cash; all I want is a bunch of good friends, an enjoyable job where I help make a difference, and an efficient amount to live on. I don't need $150,000 a year, long work hours where I live at the office, and no life.
By the end of the semester (in the 2 weeks of travelling), the girl and I probably only had 1 conversation that lasted less than 5 minutes. I suppose I was no longer needed in her network. I wonder, years from now, will I be recieving an email or phone call from her? Or will she wake up one day realizing the depth she has fallen from her true self, lost in ambition and fake people around her? This girl, high in values, yet what did she stand for?
This post isn't to insult her (for those reading this and may think you know who it is), but to question the necessity of networking and the extent one must change their personality to fit into the real world mold. guanxi, that's where it's all at.
It's Cold, I'm Outta Here!
As I cannot contain my excitement from my impulse buy, I decided to share the news here. I'm off to Venezuela baby!!!
So the day before while I was at my internship, I decided to look up plane tickets to random places. I checked up Caracas (CCS)...London (LON)... yeah I know plenty of airport codes right off the bat...Osaka (KIX), Beijing (BJS), Duesseldorf (DUS), Copenhagen (CPH)etc.
At first, I never really thought I'd buy it since it just became a weird hobby/habit to check up plane tickets every now and then for the sheer fun of it. Then I saw that it was a lot cheaper on Orbitz, than on StudentUniverse. I told a few people about my idea just for conversation, then on my way to work today (as I have a 1/2hr commute) all I thought about was formalizing this idea of going to Venezuela in my head, going somewhere warm for the spring break. By the time I got to work, I checked up airline prices, called up my dad to sort of "confirm" I'm going to do this, then bought it during lunch.
I'm heading out to Venezuela to see one my best friends for spring break!! I haven't seen her in about 2-3 years. Yeaaa I'm gonna party it up since it's gonna be one of my last vacations before I graduate! (heck who am I kidding, it's gonna be the first of many trips in 2007).
So the day before while I was at my internship, I decided to look up plane tickets to random places. I checked up Caracas (CCS)...London (LON)... yeah I know plenty of airport codes right off the bat...Osaka (KIX), Beijing (BJS), Duesseldorf (DUS), Copenhagen (CPH)etc.
At first, I never really thought I'd buy it since it just became a weird hobby/habit to check up plane tickets every now and then for the sheer fun of it. Then I saw that it was a lot cheaper on Orbitz, than on StudentUniverse. I told a few people about my idea just for conversation, then on my way to work today (as I have a 1/2hr commute) all I thought about was formalizing this idea of going to Venezuela in my head, going somewhere warm for the spring break. By the time I got to work, I checked up airline prices, called up my dad to sort of "confirm" I'm going to do this, then bought it during lunch.
I'm heading out to Venezuela to see one my best friends for spring break!! I haven't seen her in about 2-3 years. Yeaaa I'm gonna party it up since it's gonna be one of my last vacations before I graduate! (heck who am I kidding, it's gonna be the first of many trips in 2007).
Sunday, February 04, 2007
Who I Write For
I write for myself, I write for those who feel like reading, I write for those who want to walk at my pace a bit and reflect on life. Haha, I feel like I do that a lot.
I do not write for my family, friends, enemies, or acquaintances. If they do find this page, sure go ahead and read. But I hope that they find me much more livelier in flesh than in words.
I guess I've also been writing a lot lately since I have a bit to say, and not many people to turn to. I have the command of the world, but what is the use if they are not interested?
And here I am wondering, and have asked one of my best friends, who I really am. Perhaps I have been thinking too much about my resettlement back in DC, embracing the cold culture shock of people changing around me, it is like that fairytale where the man goes dancing with the fairies in his backyard and a minute in fairyland is worth several years in reality. I ponder whether those 2 semesters in the outside world costed me close-knit friendships that could have formed in college. As here I am, with the remains of scattered numbers and pages of the past.
Here is a girl, who can tell you all about backpacking throughout Europe, laugh at tales told by fellow backpackers about what they have seen wandering from country to country, perhaps not spit like a guy, but lived among them enough to drink and crack jokes that would make most dainty girls turn their heads in utter disgust. I most likely have accumulated more guy friends than girls throughout this time, and can pull up a handful to chat with online at almost any minute. If I need a place to stay in most parts of the world, have a nice warm meal, I'll be sure to find plenty, especially in Austrailia. With these travels and talking to random people, I have grown an obscure network, so I know people in all sorts of places, jobs, rankings, whatnot. Honestly I really don't care about all that, just the people and their hearts that are behind those silly titles.
Yet when it comes to being a simple girl trying to understand a guy beyond the level of friends, I am dumb. I've noticed that this past weekend. I've never needed to understand it really- it would be a simple life of amusing jokes, beer, food, whatnot- I guess I was a spoiled princess in some sense. If there was a cheap cliche that actually sometimes works properly, perhaps women are from venus, men are from mars. I have tried quite arduously to fit my mindset on what a guy thinks; there is an extent to how much of a tomboy I can be until I end up with a brick wall. The analyzation of human thought really isn't much up my alley though I like exploring the area. Oh do tell things to me directly and to the point. I may direct the way the world turns, but I need someone to direct me as I really need a break from leading at times. Perhaps that's too much work for a guy nowadays? And for those who may know me and read this, I do not bite (well maybe a few times before), I just need things to make sense and not waste any more time pondering as my schedule is quite booked up and there is an empty space in areas that were waiting to be filled with fun. Post isn't directed towards anyone particularly, just another analyzation of the complexities in human behaviour.
Saturday, February 03, 2007
The People I Meet
My mom always said to never talk to strangers. I think I broke that rule pretty quickly. I have a random personality that makes me want to be curious about what other people are thinking. Their lives, their obscure thoughts, their ideas. I mean, the woman rushing to cross the street, where is she heading, is she late for work, or heading back to make dinner for her kids? Our lives are so connected- of course most of the times when we do take a glance towards someone, it is quickly broken and back into our own world, our own lives.
Heck, I can talk the this woman sitting across the table from me at the library and ask her about her lifestyle as a vegetarian and make a new friend.
I had the opportunity to indulge in this talking to random people when I was traveling in youth hostels. In Nanjing, I met this guy who was going to make it to Paris overland in 3 weeks via Russia. Since I only knew him for less than a day, we still talked a little bit and exchanged emails since he said he would be in DC in February. So come February, I meet up with him to hear of his adventures and learn about his life.
So here's this guy, on his final semester of grad school, going to Duke. His main goal: to find ways to prolong the inevitable: work. For someone who originated from Texas, found his way to San Fran, lived on an island, now in NC at Duke.
My week has definitely been interesting with amusing people. For dinner entertainment, I talked to his guy about how he truly believed he was "retired" and lived off the money he saved, hopping to the 'burbs of San Francisco. In this retirement stage, he thought "so, what do people do when they are retired?" - Ah yes, build a garden. So, in this room he rented with a backyard, he made a garden. However, little did he know that the 'burbs he lived gathered all the leftover clouds from SF and kept it looming around. The lack of sunshine also produces depression, so in time, not only did his plants die, but his mood slowly got worse. (Now everyone knows why all the retired old people head down to Florida). Therefore, he needed a job. He somehow obtained a job at the National Park...on an island. Just so he could try to live on an island. So all was well living on the island. Along the way he somehow travelled parts of southeast asia.
So I got the opportunity to see some of the photos he took. http://www.handycaddy.com/man/winter_2006/
This one is of the lion is particularly amazing. He was trying to jump up to get the teasing jacket and that was when he was breaking his fall. It turned out the lion actually got the jacket in the end, and now parades it around the ring like a trophy, even sitting on top of it during his non-parading time.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Changing times
No matter how much I try to forget, I am still in DC. I don't know how I am supposed to feel about that. I've been contemplating about this for the past month now. I'm back in the US. I keep on telling myself things are fine, and I just need to get settled in, but I find myself longing to fly away. I wish I had something heavy enough to keep me grounded sometimes.
I found myself looking up plane tickets while I was at my internship. I say I do it just to see how the prices are in the aviation market, but I am thinking deep down...perhaps if I find one just the right price, maybe I'll just buy it then and there, and really fly away.
But I've kept to my resolutions. I've been trying to smile a lot. I've been talking to random people and been quite interested in their different lives...I start wondering about other people. Trying to put myself into their shoes- what they do, what they see, what makes them the person they are. I'm not quite as successful there, but I try...maybe I am still too shallow and selfish. I am quite selfish...I live for my goals (as most people) and everyday I eat drink breathe study thinking about the months to come for my jam packed schedule.
Sometimes in class, I talk quite loudly, voicing my opinions...I wonder if it is because I want to be heard, not be one with everyone else. I think of the friends in my past study abroad programs, and sometimes wonder about their personalities and actions. Why people get drunk, get high, whatever. Perhaps it's a self confidence issue...to be under the influence. I mean I cannot say I am confident, as sometimes, I also wonder,
The tiger that roars, am I really just a kitten?
In my Nonviolent theories and methods class, there was a guest speaker, Jack Healey- who used to be Amnesty's director. To see a man of that age, and still have the stamina to fly around and have goals in which he fights for...I strongly admire that. His presence, though I never even knew him before (and since it was my first time in the class, I mistook him as the professor since he sat in the professor's desk), sent a wave a of hope and admiration with his amazing stories of how he helped change society with nonviolent means through music. There's more about him on this website: http://www.thefreedomcampaign.org/about_jack.php
Here I am, just a girl who imagined NGOs really had no effect. Yet this one man stand organized a couple people to make a difference.
As much as I say I will join the government to have things turned inside out, how will it be? How will it be? Will years later, when I am old, will I still be trying to make a difference in society, or just turn old and weary?
I found myself looking up plane tickets while I was at my internship. I say I do it just to see how the prices are in the aviation market, but I am thinking deep down...perhaps if I find one just the right price, maybe I'll just buy it then and there, and really fly away.
But I've kept to my resolutions. I've been trying to smile a lot. I've been talking to random people and been quite interested in their different lives...I start wondering about other people. Trying to put myself into their shoes- what they do, what they see, what makes them the person they are. I'm not quite as successful there, but I try...maybe I am still too shallow and selfish. I am quite selfish...I live for my goals (as most people) and everyday I eat drink breathe study thinking about the months to come for my jam packed schedule.
Sometimes in class, I talk quite loudly, voicing my opinions...I wonder if it is because I want to be heard, not be one with everyone else. I think of the friends in my past study abroad programs, and sometimes wonder about their personalities and actions. Why people get drunk, get high, whatever. Perhaps it's a self confidence issue...to be under the influence. I mean I cannot say I am confident, as sometimes, I also wonder,
The tiger that roars, am I really just a kitten?
In my Nonviolent theories and methods class, there was a guest speaker, Jack Healey- who used to be Amnesty's director. To see a man of that age, and still have the stamina to fly around and have goals in which he fights for...I strongly admire that. His presence, though I never even knew him before (and since it was my first time in the class, I mistook him as the professor since he sat in the professor's desk), sent a wave a of hope and admiration with his amazing stories of how he helped change society with nonviolent means through music. There's more about him on this website: http://www.thefreedomcampaign.org/about_jack.php
Here I am, just a girl who imagined NGOs really had no effect. Yet this one man stand organized a couple people to make a difference.
As much as I say I will join the government to have things turned inside out, how will it be? How will it be? Will years later, when I am old, will I still be trying to make a difference in society, or just turn old and weary?
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