Refreshed

As I've learned from one of my best friends, Pat, there's nothing better than sitting down at a cafe and working on your writings. Well for me, it was editing some of my essays and concentrating on draft #4 of my Pickering. Ideally, I would love to type up things on my laptop but the B&N didn't design their cafe area well and there are no outlets for my battery shot laptop. I can only dream of a new portable laptop until I can afford a new one. Ideally before this summer.

Perhaps I've gotten my hopes up going to Italy for my grad school summer program but it isn't difficult to dream of warmer locations being in the northeast. However, I haven't gotten my hopes up to the point that I already bought a Naples & Caprii guide, I decided I'd buy one after getting the official word whether I've been accepted or not. After browsing the lovely guides in the travel section, my mind was already seeing blue skies and feeling the warm sea while taking pictures of all the artifacts left behind from Pompeii. It was better than anything right now in New Jersey. And speaking of suburbia, land of overweight and mediocrity in educational standards, I reenter the world of community gossip.

Being that I've been living in DC for the past several-ish years, I've learned the art of observing human nature. In the capital of politics, amidst all the alcohol and schmoozing, you tend to see how well to read people, and the ironic part, how people read others. By the time I end up home for the holidays, I have perfected my smile with beer or plum wine in hand, and answer all the blatantly fake questions/concerns people throw at me to make conversation and enhance their network of gossip.

It's really sad, the circle of asian family friends parents that have amounted from my childhood only look at me as a comparison to their children's goals and my value of prestige in competition to their childrens'. After they have weighed and valued my worth with pointless questions and "concerns" of my future graduate education, they finally drop their interest in me, either finding my unwavering answers to be of bore or incomprehensible, they go back to their faux party of food. It's a little bit of a pity, these family friends I grew up with, though they walked the path they do now, had once been questioned for their career choice (of course unless they wanted to be doctors of lawyers). I was amongst those ostracized because who in the world let's their kid study abroad in Japan??? Who lets their daughter backpack Europe?? Ah yes, then they hushed their criticisms after realizing its resume benefits of having an international career as opposed to being booksmart. And the other realizing I won't privy any gossip.

Then there are some genuine people who do invite me to places because they enjoy my company and not the need to delve into other people's unfortunate events. It's really interesting to differentiate these types of people from the purposeful gossipers through mere observances. What's also amusing is seeing how people understand each other and perceive what the other is thinking of the other. Especially the psychology majors who make it even more dramatic than it is. Haha, aawwwkkwarrrdd.

It's interesting to observe this community of people, the kids that I grew up with, and the different paths we've paved for ourselves. Then to study their roots, the psychological parenting behind these achievements or hindrances. The high and low context cultures of these communities are fascinating to call as a study, which I wonder how eerily they would perceive and despise me if I told them they were mere observances of social interaction and my findings.

I Think I Lost My Best Friend To Religion

Sorta studying for my finals, but I've had a lot on my mind besides schoolwork. Most of it is quite random, but one thing that bothers me most is the fact that one of my best friends is slipping away from me. I supported her when she said she's become a christian- she came out of the closet like a gay guy, only that its for religion, and now she's been baptized, which I also supported and would of also gone if not for my 2 finals. I thought religion was a means to escape the cruelties of her parent's divorce, which happened right during the time she happened to go to college. She was happy, and as any friend should be, be happy that her friend is happy.

What I did not support was the fact that she has believed she could not tell me things because she felt I did not understand. Ok, it's fine if you like a guy who has the same Christian values as yourself, but the fact I cannot understand perhaps hindered you from originally sharing it with me? Okay, I'm an athiest, and I have plenty of other friends with religion around me. Muslims, Buddhists, Catholics, devout Christians...They have not put religious pressures on me and have respected my atheism. I in turn, respected them and take them for who they are.

Then comes Thanksgiving where we don't meet up due to scheduling conflicts. Even before then, I'd call and our usually Friday chats were suddenly curbed due to busy schedules, and she doesn't call back or let me know of the date she was going back home? What ever happened to that sleepover the first night we got back? Never happened because she fell asleep and had to unpack her room. No meeting on Thanksgiving, ok. Friday the meeting was cancelled even though I was busy and would have come back from NYC at night to meet up with her. Then to add insult to injury, she suggested we met up on Sunday morning, in the time slot right before church, and it may have been a misinterpretation/miscommunication, but before that I thought she suggested that we head to church together to meet up. Uhm...no. Well it was fine anyways, since it turned out her time slot before church also became filled and I had to be back in DC that day.

I've probably lost friendships due to religion, but this is the worst thing possible to feel that I lost one of my childhood best friends due to religion. And I know to her it was unintentional. It hurts to feel Church > Me. I don't have qualms over the basics of spiritualism and being a good samaritan. I can be slightly bitter about the church and saying it's actually evil and has brought my best friend to a land of no return but that is middle school behavior. Spiritualism is a means to help the stress through life and that is why I see people leaning on it as a pillar of support. Religion didn't work for me, and its not like I haven't tried. What makes me bitter the most is the fact there are people that can change their network of friends so much due to the influence of the circle of religious friends. Brainwashing perhaps? I don't know. Perhaps the fact some people do not have the ability to separate the Church and friends, as the same way as the Church and State.

I study international relations and this comes with human behavior, communications, and diplomacy. I know I can go back in there and still salvage my friendship. But would I want to when I know my best friend was willing to make more time for Church which is always there, especially on Sundays, than to meet up with her best friend of 13 years that she hasn't seen for 3 months? I'm not sure, as I am tired of putting most of the effort into the friendship.

Free Writing

Hehe, it's been about a month since I wrote in here. I've been insanely busy just figuring out where life takes me, I can't believe it was only a month so far. Though I have 2 finals coming up, things are a little more relaxed, though I always say I'm busy with schoolwork. I'm so used to using that as an excuse that I probably stress myself out with it and people think I'm just a workaholic.

As I've been writing up my essay for the Pickering fellowship, I need to tie in my future interests in space policy for grad school with public diplomacy at the foreign service. Honestly, I really don't know how to explain this weird interest of mine that probably came from watching too many cartoons, especially Gundam Wing. So my career advisor told me to free write a bit to see where it goes...no one would want to fund 2 years of grad school and support her career just because of some cartoons. But I am just a silly girl, it's weird how serious and mature people think I am when most meet me, but I'm just a simpleton once they get to know me. Hehe I'm totally weird.

But anyways, on the topic of how I got interested in space...I must have received astronomy books when I was younger...gone to the kennedy space center when I was down in florida and taken pictures with men in space suits. Half that trip I can remember was quite boring...I was not truly interested in getting people into space, but looking up and seeing the stars always made me wonder if my wishing on the first star i saw that night would come true. Even today I sometimes look at the stars and make a wish. Thinking back to my childhood, we always learned about the planetary system (of course plus pluto), and the different colors of the planets fascinated me. Somehow I still remember my 5th grade teacher talking about how there was a teacher that was an astronaut. I thought that teacher was someone local, with the way she worded it. It was only years..a decade later, I come to find that it was simply a normal teacher...and she died on the Challenger accident. 1986...

I have always been a fan of science, but ironically not math. If I had to say the two favorite places to learn about were the sea and the sky...the land was merely dirt where we lived and died. Perhaps I was always drawn to the unknown. President's vision for exploration a journey...of the unknown..we are all explorers.

Courage and Creativity

Being holed up writing papers on space security and international cooperation sometimes just really drains the creativity out of you. There are so many things to consider in the realm of cooperation, and the small details and thoughts of different side that makes the policy what it is today. Luckily my friend Jenny sent me the link to www.flip.com, and to the Vivienne Westwood flipbook. I'll open it up later since my flash player has issues. But just being on that site sort of revitalized my mind with new fresh thoughts, even the entire artsyness of it since I can't really get that aspect in my field of International Relations, especially the dense field of space policy. I have so many loves that it is hard to choose which one is the best, but I decided in the end space policy was the way to be. I'll just dabble in international exchange programming, arts & crafts, cooking, yoga, and sewing my gaucho pants on the side.

On the other area of courage, I have been thinking carefully about my courses, especially the ones at a lower level, yet the professors grade quite difficultly. Talking to some other students and analyzing the reason why there was something missing from the class, I finally figured out a good amount of it and thought it would be good to talk to the professor. Every week there are blank stares in the room that are sort of disheartening, and when people present their chapters each week, they tend to say it is difficult. Cross cultural communications should be fun and a way for international service students to be excited in their future careers. So during office hours and after finally figuring out what was the missing component in the class, I went to him and told him what I saw from my point of view with constructive criticism and explanations to back up my POV. It appeared on ratemyprofessors.com that he was quite a hard professor and a little stubborn, so I took that into account before walking into his office.

Appraisal works wonders as I cannot deny he is a wealth of knowledge, but fails to connect his use of theories in such a way students can fully comprehend, leaving a loss faces and now some to the point of no return. He then comments how it was only in our class that no one ever goes to his office hours and prides himself a little how his honors class students, Masters, and PhD students all line up at his door, eagar to learn. In that area, he was quite pissed no one went to office hours. As it was a cross cultural communication POV, I told him how its also a different way of learning and sometimes not to dumb ourselves, but some don't know how to approach professors, especially the younger ones, and the ones with less eager experiences by the way they were taught in high school. Though he refused to "babysit" or "dumbing down the course" and believed a cross cultural communication course is not about feelings and talking about emotions and getting easy A's as other professors do in this area, I told him how students cannot truly connect to the theories though he hands up those tools unless he helps make those connections and slowly bring the students up to that level of connection. Luckily he took my words quite seriously and tried to fix a little bit in the beginning of class. It is difficult to make complete changes in his course structure after having only 4 more classes left, but he did try. There was a level of pride and spite when he allowed us to fix up our papers for a better grade, as he hasn't done it ever in those 22 years of teaching. Nonetheless, it was good to see a bit of change and I could see there was a certain bit of conflict within himself by my words.

Sometimes I wonder why people are too shy to stand up for their thoughts, but half of it is also a power struggle between teacher and student. Where teacher looks down upon the student, and the student has difficulty working with the teacher as an almost equal. Sometimes those lines are meant to be there, and sometimes this line should be erased. Of course, I am shy too when it comes to my graduate level classes, where I think I really don't know much about the area and let my professor feed me the information. But in time, we will be all be adults and respected equally.

Oops, my first Made In China product- So it lasted for 2 months

So, I ordered a Honeywell Humidifier off of Amazon.com about two days ago, and it arrived today. After my coughing I got in China (that never seemed to go away unless I leave the country), I have been a little cautious about my lungs. I'm sure ten years of my life got cut off just from being there for half a year. So I thought its cause of the dry air, especially since its getting to be winter now. I happily opened my new toy, and started looking at the label- lo and behold, it was indeed Made in China. While even my Lg Chocolate phone was made in Korea, I made the mistake of assuming the humidifer may be been made in Vietnam or somewhere else. I basically lived without China for about 2 months, then it got caught up with me. Ah well, it was good while it lasted. But I'll still just going to try not to buy anything made in China just for safety concerns. Sorta like ending up at Wholefoods, ya know?

Labels

Label: Aliens attacking from Space
So about a month ago I was walking around the Career Fair at my uni to get a sense of what type of jobs I can do with my potential MA degree specializing in space policy. Of course there's NASA, but was just curious what else was out there, perhaps like the Dept of Defense.

Walks up to the Defense Auditing booth and talks to lady:
Me: Hi, I'm not sure if you have any sectors in my area of study, but I'm going into Space Policy.
Woman: Well we do defense auditing contractors for the government and do auditing things. Maybe you should try Homeland Security 2 booths down, maybe they've got something on protecting the US against aliens...
Me:...My field of space policy actually deals with international cooperation between other countries under the field of international relations...

I gave the woman this look of "I cannot believe you actually think I deal with aliens". In a sense, it was hilarious. But even I don't really believe in aliens. More like I don't really care. Nor am I really keen on going to space. There's lunar dust on the moon. I've never watched Star Trek, and fell asleep watching the first few Star Wars movies. I can't believe she actually used the word aliens on me. Guess there ain't much going on in the mathematical world of defense auditing. We definitely are at a risk of mediocrity in the nation if people think there are aliens attacking Earth. I'm sure they have more important things to do, as wars are fought over who has the bigger d*** (Reference from M. Butterfly) and well, oil.

Another Label: Vegetarians
Conversation with a classmate: Julia is a vegetarian too.
Classmate: SHE IS NOT A VEGETARIAN. She can pick off the beef from the dish and eat the vegetables.
Apparently even in toxic China, Vegetarians still have a snobbish way of selecting who is in the exclusive group.
Vegetarians: People who do consume any type of animal essence with their meal for the sake of animal rights. Which can include broth, or apparently just touching it. Apparently personal health doesn't exactly factor into the equation. I'm sure they aren't part of the Darwin's Survival of the fittest, as if all they had was meat to survive, and they'd try to consume some, they would end up dead because their body doesn't produce certain enzymes to break down the meat. Oh well, one more group of ideological weirdos off the planet.

Au Contraire
Friend 3: So I ordered a futomaki that other time and this woman next to me was asking me if it was sushi. So I said yes, and she asked me how I could eat it since it was so big. She kept staring and all I wanted to do was eat my futomaki in peace.
Friend1's order of tuna sashimi arrives
Friend 2: Is that raw?
Friend 1: yeah
Friend 2: It (tuna) looks disgusting
Friend 3: Isn't it dangerous to eat fish raw?
Friend 1: no, not if you clean it certain ways.
Friend 3: but it's still unhealthy to eat raw fish.
Me: Well fish has omega 3 fatty acids so its better than not eating fish at all (Friend 2&3 don't like seafood)
Friend 3: So we should all be chomping on fish like birds now?
Me: How's the futomaki?

One thing I've noticed while dining with people are their certain dietary restrictions. Some are part of their religion, some from allergies, some from the lack of knowledge (mainly being raised in a typical American household that limits their diet to burgers and pizzas), and some out of random distaste for texture. What I cannot tolerate is when others not only refuse to try new food, but also insult it while you're eating. It's like gee, thanks. At least I only do that to friends who try to buy pineapple on a stick in China (noting all the flies around it), or hotdog on a stick at the Great Wall ("It's rather pink" and "I'm not going to bring you to a hospital if you get a heart attack from eating that"), and mayonnaise. But just don't go on insulting someone else's food when you just find it disgusting. I wonder how they'd survive a suburban Chinese village. Sometimes, General Tsao's Chicken and/or Orange Chicken may not be on every Chinese menu.

Have you heard? It's fall!

Okay, so after rewatching Anastasia the other day I've gotten the music stuck in my head again. It's amazing how I remember the lyrics to all the songs in the movie even though I haven't watched it for years. I think it was probably around 1997...cause the Winter Olympics happened in '98 in Nagano and that's when Tara Lipinski used the song, Once Upon A December, which I called dibs and swore was going to be my competition (olympic) song (not that I would've gotten that far but I still called dibs) and was completely shocked when I saw her skate to it in her long program, won gold over Michelle Kwan using my song, and have loathed her ever since. Then there were mere copy cats of skaters using that song for their program and so it just lost its luster.

But anyways, FALL!!!!! As my friends saw, I actually dressed up in my cute lil black boots, jeans, t-shirt, and this nice dark green jacket with an orange scarf and a hat to symbolize the changing of fall. Maybe not symbolize, but that was the extent to my excitement about the change in seasons. Fall was always one of my favorite seasons, even though my birthday is in the spring, so they've both been happily celebrated by me haha. I'm such a child sometimes for being so easily affected by the weather, but when its sunny and cool out, and there's this smell of burning wood in the air, there's this excitement within thinking things are not the same.

Fall is the time of change, rather than sense that it is something dying and old, I always felt it was a start of something new. School always started in the fall, and so that's always a fresh way to start.

I was in China last fall, where by this time, I made some great friends, especially one that meant as much to me as two of my best friends that I met in Japan.

2002 Japan...By this time of the month, I celebrated the o-mochitsuki, watching the moon festival and won 2 bottles of wine at a lottery/bingo game dinner with my host family. I met the Rotary group out in Marina City in Wakayama...where 2 of the exchangers soon became my best friends.

I recall this time me, my soon to be 2 best friends, and this other soon to be good Danish friend of ours were asked to join this group of kids going out camping in the traditional Japanese camps out in Sennan city, where they had a soft-opening. We had korean pancake, and sat in one of the empty huts drinking out of a small mixture of gin and oj, ate oreos, and saw some shooting stars. The mountains were beautiful and serene, and later on we went inside to only drink some more beer hanging out with this American guy talking about his life in Japan, and my friend kept on having to pee like crazy. Luckily the bathrooms were quite clean unlike China :)

Later on the next day, we went to watch the movie Signs (omg I can't believe I paid twice to watch that movie), hung out in Sakai after getting some drinks at the convenience store, and I went home late with my friend since she was sleeping over while my host mom worried like crazy and asked me to not watch movies at night anymore.

Next fall, where will I be?? Here I am, in the nation's capital, in my final months of undergraduate schooling. It's been a few weeks since I've felt so worry free the more I have to do. But you know what? It's fall :)

My Next Trip

So lately a friend of mine brought up this idea to do a trip after we all graduate. Of course I'd definitely be in...somehow lol. It would probably be a eurotrip, only this time I want to try and explore the other cities I haven't gotten to yet. Ideally, I'd love it to be this:

Spain

Portugal

Morrocco

Southern France

Paris

London

Wales

and Perhaps Ireland.

Thing is, I'd be happy just doing the first 3, but probably would have to compromise if I am going in a group...especially when my Arab friend though that people in Portugal and Morrocco hate Arabs...lol. Ironically his cousin claimed we'd be spending some time living it up at the guest palace with his connections. I just want to see Morrocco and it would be amazing either way. Southern France...well Nice is always nice (haha that always makes me laugh a bit no matter how stupid it is), Avignon seemed cool via the window, and perhaps even Monaco. It seems like a cool way to finish off another chapter of my life, and begin a new one. Especially when there will be so many changes out there...

I've always said to myself when I do go visit London and Paris, I'd definitely give it the proper amount of time to actually see it. Ideally, if I ever get the chance, I'd love to do the Balkans again and Turkey.

Now...to find the funds to do the trip haha :x Who knew I'd be back in Europe so fast? My only goal was to do another trip there before 26!

haha silly me

So, my good friend asked over dinner tonight whether or not I was happy. Well, I haven't really considered that since I have been stressing out about graduating, writing papers, etc...and in a way life is going in the path that I wish to take it, plus its ups and downs. So it got narrowed down to whether I was content or if I was actually happy, and I have to say I am quite content. Though, according to an Australian friend I met in Lithuania - who ran the youth hostel and was once head of one of the most prestigious hotelier schools in the world- he said to be very careful when he said he was satisfied with life- 6 months, his entire life went crumbling down.

And here is my friend, who asked me this question because he questioned it himself. Someone who was in an econ major, and I thought enjoyed what he did, suddenly question whether or not he wanted to be in that area. Someone who had a life back home waiting for him, and probably some sort of job worth six figures, but procrastinating on what's to come. I guess we are at the point where we start having our doubts.

I glanced back at some of the photos taken in China. There was one around friends that I looked especially happy in...and it was deeply ingrained into my memory. That night wasn't exactly unique, but somehow when I look at that photo, the smile on it doesn't seem to fade. Since then, I've had many happy memories where I have had the chance to go to Venezuela and meet up with one of my best friends, and go travel around and meet new people. However, I always go back to that photo, that night when those pictures were taken, and I distinctly remember it. There was just something that night, perhaps it was just me, where I remember it all.

If I compared my life to that single picture, then at this very moment typing this, I wouldn't be able to compare my amount of happiness to that very picture. However, life has been taking me on the road I want to head towards...my studies...my future...my career. So I cannot say that life is lacking, as I do have friends still around me...though a good portion of them are halfway around the world. But like I learned more than 4 years ago was that if you knock, the door of opportunities await, you just need to ask. And in this area, I have been a bit shy of knocking. But each time I have, I have never been awaited with a bad surprise...only happy ones that have helped me in life.

I would show this picture to you, but there is something so simple and happy about it that I just want to save that smile for myself. And maybe for a few others who have been there to enjoy it with me, I wonder if they saw that smile of mine that shined?

Career Committment

Since this semester started, and I have come to conclude this would be my last term of undergraduate studies, I have been looking for venues to use my interests and experiences to fit it into the ideal career. Like every other kid at AU, that is to work for the State Department. Which, in that effect, I am still waiting for my clearance which soon the wait will be over I hope, as my classmate in my GW grad class is helping me expedite. I relearned the value of talking to new people as I somehow became slightly overcome with shyness during the past few months. Grad school is all about networking, and the people in my class are from the military, Dept of Defense, NASA, Japan Space Agency or whatnot, etc. As the class takes a look back into early space history, it was not about the scientific exploration; it was for prestige against the Soviet Union during the Cold War era and for military defense/satellite technology.

So I looked up government jobs in a new light that what I want was international space diplomacy, though would find those means through venues such as the DoD. There was a job posting that basically had my qualifications of my IR major as a foreign policy and security manager at that department, with starting salary of six figures. Whether or not I need six figures is another story, but it was amazing to know that I fit in the description, though I probably lack the paid experience in the field to be hired.

Then when going on to imagine what I would do with a six figure income (of course a good portion deducted after taxes), I would first pay off all my student loans (which I thankfully did not accrue as much as others), give a good portion of it to my parents to pay off some of their mortgages, put in a down payment for my own place, and for my friend's sanity so he wouldn't need to drive me around all the time, a car. The rest I'll give my friend to help me reinvest- I guess those are the pros of having so many economics and finance major friends. I'd then throw a portion of it towards education, especially in study abroad, as that was the major focus of my life that helped me meet the people I know today. People shouldn't be separated by borders.

After looking at all the design sites, I'm ready to decorate my own place into a hip, stylish, practical and homey area, not dominated by typical trends of boring furniture. I just wish I had some more artsy friends in that aspect as most of my friends are going into practical fields, lol, where all the asians (well minus me) are going to med school.

Well, that's my dream world in the pursuit of happiness. Then as my career advisor asked me as we talked about applying for the Pickering Fellowship- if you do the DoD road, is that something you really want to do? Or would you be satisfied in the State Department? The foreign service was the road I aimed for, yet as I look some more, there are many other options. And those roads, once I've got my foot in the door, would be quite interesting to explore. Nonetheless, its a career commitment and by December, life will be different.

The people around me

I've come to realize every so often that my groups are friends are so varied and diverse, as are my interests. Yet, when bodily functions break down, everyone ends up the same way- vulnerable.

My two usual busy days are Mondays and Thursdays, as those are the only days I have class. This Thursday, not only did I have 3 classes (2 regular, and 1 block that all the way downtown), I went downtown to the China Working group forum to hear some senators speak about US-China relations assuming it to be related to my research topic, then went all the way back to AU for my class, which I caught the last 5 minutes of. Then at noon, there was a Beijing reunion since the director of the study abroad was in town. I met up with my friend and classmate there, which upon that time, he fell over, hit the table, and convulsed into a seizure. With a mixture of late night studying, ciggerettes, lots of caffeine, lack of food for many hours, and most likely another ingredient, all mounted up to his first seizure that was longer than normal ones. While my friend and director kept watch over him as he foamed in the mouth and had blood coming out as well (from biting his tongue), I called 911 for the first time-and soon enough, the ambulance came.

15 minutes later, I had a drugs and behavior quiz, all to help digest what had happened. After, I went all the way to the other uni's library to prepare for my class, and for 2 hours, listened to my professor lecture about the diminishing NASA budget. My day didn't end yet; I went home to grab the takoyaki maker, walk to my Japanese friend's apartment for her bday party, not only help prepare the food, but also celebrated, and by midnight, called it a night. Talk about exhausting.

Within one day, there were many different groups of people I associate with- and it comes to a surprise for me sometimes that people are all linked to one thing- life. The seizure made my friend see his daily activities in a different light, as I saw how easily people's behaviors do have consequences. It all comes down to the fact we are indeed all human. No matter which country they come from, how rich they may be, or how healthy they may appear to be, our bodies may one day just decide to shut down and need that break. Whether it becomes death or terminal, a scare in our everyday lives do make us reconsider what is valuable to us- whether we have lived the fullest currently (and also consider health and not take nonprescribed drugs) or will our past actions still haunt us today and continue to do so in the future. In terms of health, I have heard how its best to take care of our bodies now, as it will catch up to us in the future. As for the rest, it is best to make amends now, and to not dwell on past mistakes- rather learn from them and move on with those experiences for the best in the future. Hopefully my friend has learned from his concoction of late night studying, and found ways to prevent something like that from happening again to his body.

As much as I care for all my friends and I know that is something I'd worry about since he is a friend of mine, it is not something I want to add onto my full plate.

Sometimes we are fortunate

Sitting on my comfy bed typing this, I earlier chatted with my roommate from China (roommate #2 that is). He is from the Congo, and with his philosophy on life and the way he reminisces of the past, it would be hard to imagine his country back home is so dangerous. Usually in his drunken stupor, he would chat with me on gmail when he's online (or I would assume since he always goes "hey Stephany!"). Usually we'd just miss each other since I was away or he just signs off. The best roommates I have found so far were the ones older than me, and have wisdom to bestow upon me with the way of life.

This time, we finally had the chance to chat, and as usual, I assume him drunk. Different from the usual conversations, this time he asks about my family. Rather than exactly waiting for my answer, he goes to tell about his. His older brother disappeared several weeks ago. At first I thought he meant his brother ran away from home. But it didn't sound so. And the only thing his family knew was that he was taken away by guys in the national army uniform.

When I read that, there was no way I could relate to his problems. I felt his pain, the connection of family, but what is one to say about a sibling being taken away in the midst of the danger zone? If I recall correctly from when I lived with him, I remember him mentioning another one of his siblings had passed away earlier too.

I cannot imagine how people would barge in and kidnap me from the safety of this comfortable bed and surroundings. The only thing my roommate could do was hope. Week after week...hope. Hope for his return. What else can one do?

I was sheltered from such pains by being fortuante enough to be born in the US. I have been fortunate enough my parents have worked their butts off to give me a life where I don't need to live in dangerous neighborhoods. And now, despite my roommate's pains, I have been fortunate enough to open my eyes to the different societies so close to me, and so diverse. Some work all their lives to achieve happy endings to their stories, some were born with it, and some no matter how hard they thought they reached their happy ending, wake up again to a new set of problems. That is life of varying degrees.

My senioritis has fortunately come to an abrupt end

As today was the final day to add/drop courses, and I blamed my security clearance at the State Dept internship my excuse to put life on hold, I wandered down to the finanical aid office to see if there was any enlightenment on my financial decision making. I could technically graduate in December, as that was my much debated decision, or spend about $4,000 in loans, take some classes, and graduate in May. Though the financial aid advisor assured that I would be covered for all 4 years as long as it is for my undergraduate coursework, she sat me down in her office, only to then give me a good slap of reality and shove my hesitant self through the doors of the real scary world out there.

I don't think I ever exactly identified my daily debate as being afraid of hitting the real world until she specifically pinpointed it out now. And then she went onto telling me to get my lil bottom to the career center to see how I can afford grad school since it appeared I already had a plan, just jumbled it up along the way. Indeed so.

So afterwards with a cleared head and once again changing my stance on whether I should graduate early or linger about (it did change daily), I finally got up the nerve to also check out when the GREs are as well. October 27th. Which is about 1 month and 16 days from now. If I can recall, I believe I spent ages preparing for the SATs and still did not the greatest. fan-tas-tic.

So I go a cracking up my GRE prep book that I open for the first time since purchase, and realized I don't even get a calculator to use for the test. I'm even stripped of my only reason to persuade my dad to get me a new calculator since my brother broke my old one. After a bit of internal whimpering and slight bitterness (though it does save me a good chunk of money...which then goes towards the ridiculous $140 testing fee) I start reading and was surprisingly focused. I think its not too bad, once I started reading. It's almost in layman's terms...giving me baby steps back into reality. If I can continue with this newfound concentrated energy, then I may just possibly do well.

Ah well, probably that TI-83 was made in china anyways.

The Bodies Exhibit- Made in China

There is a great way of dehumanizing society- by taking dead bodies without the person or his/her family member's previous consent, and then artistically stripping them down to nerves and muscles. Feeling naked yet?

A few friends of mine went to the Bodies Exhibit down in Rosslyn, Virginia where they saw bodies of muscles held only by bones and the process of plastination in various positions- playing basketball, giving themselves a high five...etc... At first it sounded like I missed out on a huge lump of grotesque that I would be interested in just to see how much my stomach can handle, but a day later, they dug up some more information about what they saw and found out the crazy lady singing on the street outside of the exhibit was actually right- they were bodies obtained from the Chinese government. So below is a link to 2 articles I briefly found while googling and quoted some of the important aspects that I found.

http://travel.nytimes.com/2006/08/08/business/worldbusiness/08bodies.html

"Here in China, determining who is in the body business and where the bodies come from is not easy. Museums that hold body exhibitions in China say they have suddenly “forgotten” who supplied their bodies, police officials have regularly changed their stories about what they have done with bodies, and even universities have confirmed and then denied the existence of body preservation operations on their campuses. "


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BODIES..._The_Exhibition


"The cadavers were donated for research by the Chinese government, because all the bodies at the time of death allegedly had no close next of kin or immediate families to claim the bodies."

"Due to the fact that the cadavers featured in the exhibition are Chinese in origin, critics suspect that some or all of the bodies may be those of Chinese political prisoners or Falun Gong practitioners, who may have been subject to arrest and execution without due process, in order to be sold as cadavers.[2] These critics cite previous accounts of Organ harvesting in China and the questionable state of Human Rights in the People's Republic of China.

There have also been legal process problems with these displays. State Anatomical boards normally oversee the handling of bodies for medical purposes and have objected to the lack of oversight for bodies for public display. Dr. Todd Olson, director of the Anatomical Committee of the New York Associated Medical Schools (NYAMS), suggests that without state or federal laws “you have no documentation of who this is”. In addition, there are claims that the exhibit of bodies for commercial profit has reduced the donations of bodies for medical learning."

Being that it's China, I can very well believe that they pull off stunts like this that will only further strengthen the black market and other money making schemes. I've heard of crazy stories where Falun Gong members have been killed for their organs since they have a cleaner body. When I told my Chinese friend the rest of the world had eyes on China, and the Olympics is just the test while mentioning the recent health and immoral issues foreigners had with China's products, he claimed he always knew China had cheap and bad quality products that can be dangerous, but felt ashamed of how the rest of the world viewed the country.

My Chinese friends are great and they have helped me so much and it hurts to know that they and sometimes I, too, am viewed differently with being "Made in China". We are jumbled to be participants of the rest of the country's desperate attempts for lax rules and get rich quick schemes. The communism has gotten them working hard, but apparently hard work doesn't pay off in the end like its supposed to, so this becomes the alternative. Sometimes people throw away moral behavior for the sake of survival. Come on, $200-$300 a month per worker? Honestly, that's actually a bit better than being a waitress or security guard in China, but for $20 a piece or so for an exhibit ticket, Dr. von Hagens is definitely making a huge profit off of dead bodies. China probably sold it to him for less than $100 a body.

Now killing political prisoners AND profitting off of them after death. What more can a government want?

Back in DC

So I've been back in DC for about week and a half now. I had to do a Target and Ikea run, thank goodness still giving me a few more days before my no-China days expire and I can still get my basic expensive essentials for a bit more cheaply. As I look around on my shelf, I see my fake designer handbags, my shoes that I got in Japan (ironically made in China) and every other thing in my room that sums up my life-China.

I've already started looking under the labels and have started becoming more aware of what I'm buying.

Well, let's see how this no China diet turns out!

The No-China Diet

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20070821/ts_nm/china_safety_toys_dc

So, starting September 1, I'm going to try to go on a no-China diet. A nonChinatarian. This means not purchasing goods made in China.

Why?

It's more of a random challenge I put on myself to see how hard it would be to not live on Chinese goods. I mean, it only takes an extra step in the purchasing process to look at the label and see if it was "Made in China." If it was, I'll put it down and choose one that isn't made from that country. It sounds a bit ridiculous, but in a way, as much as I survived China and all its problems while in that country, it also is a way to see if more people live on a non-China diet, what would happen to the overall economy of China. Right now they are putting up national tv programs professing how their country's products are still quite safe. Uh...yes, poison in toothpaste? formalhyde in children's clothing? lead laced paint in barbie dolls? melomine or some other chemical in dog food? Very.

I'm never the type to really go on a boycott (except that time at Lush because the employee claimed my friend Barbara gave them a fake 50RMB for her home delivery and Barbara is quite smart about her money that she would never accept or give a fake bill).

However, I've seen the rough patches of China, and let's just say it was definitely no rough patch but rather a huge ditch innocent bystanders tumble into. China's changing, I know, but there's still so much sketchiness within the country that outsiders and tourists cannot detect. I worked there for 2 1/2 months, and it was definitely a lot harder than my year in Japan, or 5 weeks backpacking 10+ countries in Europe. A good portion of Chinese people within China even know of that there are plenty of problems within the country (::coughcorruptioncought::), and the rest (poor brainwashed kids and upper level officials) deny China is anything but the best.

Heck, by the time I was about to leave China, there were stories of 60% cardboard/40% fat in the meat buns- a food that is sold everywhere in China as a basic snack/breakfast food.

Then, my beloved, yet already quite skeptical, yangrou chuan (or pronouned chuar)- lamb skewers, that may be faked with chemicaled pork meat; after adding plenty of spices and eating it at night, there isn't much of a difference for people stumbing out of clubs in the middle of the night trying to sober up before going home.

fake alcohol. Need I say more about the dangers of fake alcohol and blindness? I think high school health class said something about not drinking rubbing alcohol the last time I recall...since it is for medical use, not consumption because it causes blindness. The last time in Russia people died from fake vodka, it was made with household cleaning products and laced with hepatitus A (or it may have been B. I forgot the article by now). Now that was Russia...imagine what may be in the fake Chinese alcohol burning down your throat.

I'm sure none of you have babies right now reading this, but baby formula...with absolutely no nutrition whatsoever. I think dirt even has more than what they put in baby powder then. What you thought was your healthy baby suddenly is hospitalized for malnutrition?!

Shrimps in China? Well, my well-off southern Chinese friend told me of her uncle's seafood farming business, and how they add chemicals contained in birth control pills to boost up the estrogen level in shrimp, making them larger. I still do love seafood and still do eat shrimp, but does that mean the more shrimp you eat, the less you need a condom?

Clothes? fake bags? Just products in general? They fall apart twice as fast when bought and worn within China, especially with it's quick sewing technique and fabulous knotting skills. Then again most basic waged people can only afford quantity, not quality. Their washing machines don't exactly wash, but stretch clothes in odd ways shirts have never seen before.

I was never a safety freak, especially when concerning my love for food, but the more I realize there are so many ill nutritioned foods and questionable products (some illegal which I confess did buy myself) out there, the more I questioned my iron stomach. But China must stop its bad ways of cutting corners and only thinking about money since it is hurting everyone especially now they have brought their market into an international playing level. It is bad enough the way bosses treat their workers ( I have seen it with my own eyes and this isn't even in a factory, so imagine factory treatment) and I am quite glad more eyes are focused on China and their bad habits. They can't just put all the rubbish under the rug and stand in front of it and tell the international community there is absolutely nothing wrong with their country. A lot of Chinese consumer products and people are just not trustworthy, and they are spreading the bad stuff to the world.

I also have some really amazing mainland Chinese friends so it doesn't mean I am out to go against all Chinese people and China. Furthermore I am of HK Chinese blood so I will still continue to eat Chinese/Asian food. So with that, I will select my choice of grocers more carefully. Hey perhaps out of all this, my nonChinetarian diet will grow out of habit and this will be the way I shop from now on.

So as ridiculous as this post sounds, I'm going on a no-China diet. Join me if you want, and let me know how you fare on this attempt. :)

It's been a while

It's been a while since I've written in here. I have been teaching children from 8:30-4:30 everyday, 6 hours each day with 2 different classes. I did two camps, and since it take an hour to get to the campus, we had to be at the bus stop for all the teachers by 7:30 every morning. This required waking up at 6am, and basically getting home around 5:30-5:45 every evening. It was tiring, but I really didn't feel it since I was enjoying the fact that I was giving mostly eager kids some of my knowledge in English and the world.

Since I have now recieved my paycheck, I feel I can reveal the name of the company I used to work at that has created much of my unhappiness in June. It's called PRC Study, Consulting. I doubt this will ever spring up on Chinese searches, since each time I try pulling up my own blog, it just says the page cannot be displayed, meaning I've written something to offend the Chinese government and they decided to block my page.

In the end, I got paid 3,000RMB of the supposed 5,000RMB in which there was a 2 week penalty for not giving my "2 weeks notice". Ironically enough only the moment I asked to quit, was I told of the employee handbook and of this penalty. So, technically since I did not even know of the rule, nor had my hands on the employee handbook at all until the day after I claimed to resign, nor did I sign anything, her means are quite illegal and I have the freedom of speech to speak about it here. I think I'll put it together in a string of posts once I arrive home because I have written about this woman named Vivian Pan quite thoroughly while noticing her treatment towards her employees, and as a "writer" (I was basically hired at the company under this job title to plagerize but later on you can judge yourself once I write out my job description), like this girl who also used to work there claimed "only save your best writings for yourself." Though it's been said even through her illegal means (though in her mind she claims is quite legal, but she can keep thinking that) of giving me only a small portion of my 1 months salary, people who know/worked for her have been surprised she did not deduct even more. So here within this blog, I pour out most of my thoughts.

So in a series of future posts I will string together my story working at PRC Study. I really don't have regrets working there, since it is an experience, good and bad nonetheless. I've gained a lot in China. I mean, for those who are interested in going through that program, well it's quite overpriced like most study abroad companies and I can't say, according to students from the program, it's amazing, it's just typical. So those who really want to save money in China should try to enroll directly in the chinese universities, Beijing Language and Culture University, Beijing/Peking University, Tsinghua University.. Without being at PRC Study, I would not have made some of the friends I now have today, and I would not have found such a character of a boss to work for. As many people say, "It's not like you meet someone like her everyday", that is, with a negative undertone. However, as most people see this boss at her pinnacle, we all (especially girls I think) fear, "we all see a bit of Vivian in us". Perhaps that was the reason I was supposed to come to China. I just had that gut feeling I had to be here this summer. Nothing really magical happened, but I think most of that gut feeling has been fulfilled.

I still have about 3 weeks before returning home to the US, where many of my family and friends are waiting for me for various reasons. It's my senior year, and I just had a taste of the real world in China.

A New Month

There was this beauty in the full moon several days ago. It was so round and full, ready to be filled with hope.

Well, I finally quit my job on Monday. I think the boss finally realized her illegal means in trying to keep me beyond my will through the threat of subtraction in pay. By then I did not care about money. Life...my time...was all there is to be valued. The moment I left the building and said goodbye to my good hearted coworkers, I was sprung with phone calls of potential jobs that wanted me for the hours I put in, and at a higher rate than 30RMB/hr.

Though my days just last longer than the usual 9-6, I felt so much more comfortable even simply knowing I was not bound by restraints and work exhaustion. Well, today is the 4th of July, so I guess it is the best day to feel like this.

Previously, I had so much in my mind to talk about. I don't regret working where I did, though I did literally grow a grey hair from the experience. I met new friends there. For the short period of time they were there studying, I enjoyed spending my time with them.

I never knew the extreme value of my smile. I always try to keep an upgoing happy face as I know a smile goes a long way. That is, until a coworker told me, "You were the first person to smile at me in the office". I felt really touched by that statement because sometimes I just smile for the sake of I can move those muscles, and I never knew how much a smile can be remembered from a person. A smile is definitely the first connecting bridge to diplomacy and I hope peoples' smiles can really make a difference in the world.

Perhaps I'm Numbed Out

So, not to sound like a wimp, but due to intense dislike, mental exhaustion, and frustration with the moral ethics of the job and quite unreasonable deadline (though I guess 20hrs for a plagerized copy of lonely planet guide, though definitely with more facts and figures, is probably about the right idea if it is all copy and paste), I finally cracked when I called my parents up about how I'm not enjoying my work. I'm sure many people find themselves in positions where they loathe their jobs but continue to do it for the money. Or supporting their family.



So, when I told them how I was really unhappy in what I'm doing more because I have to go to work everyday, then deal with a boss who is just some woman who is stressed due to 4hrs of sleep every night, and at her age should learn her body should not take that type of abuse, as it affects the way she interacts with everyone at the office. I've come to terms with the fact that she can be labelled as quite egotistical. To be verbally abusive to an employee whose 1 year contract is up and does not wish to renew is unprofessional. As she would imagine that most people would stay in their jobs for more than a year, as back in her day. However, it is common to switch jobs early in the career to gain experiences from various companies, rather than limit themselves to one. Actually long term employment with one company can seriously affect the other jobs as well, as potential employers question "you've been there long, so why quit now??"



Anywho back to me. Perhaps I'm exaggerating and making this a full blown up drama that doesn't need to be. I mean, by now everyone has heard my "bitching". It's actually quite embarrassing to be using that terminology, especially for a job and that seems to be all they hear as of lately. Is that all my life is worth? Words full of complaints?



My parents hit the soft spot on me when I told them I really don't like the job. I tend to be quite equal, not cheat the system to get more out of it, but of course I'm not going to be used either. My goodness, the Chinese do overtime, and don't get overtime pay. Boss claims even she doesn't, the chinese workers don't either, but it is expected there may be overtime involved. Sorry, but when I am already working way below minimum wage, I don't feel like throwing in extra hours for free is the way to go. Especially when my pay is still deducted if I take some time off half the day and there is no such thing as making up my hours. Just pure subtraction.

In the end, I was broken down into work and numbers. Nothing is me. I do things because I want to live out loud.

How to Put It Into Words

I have been extremely busy lately that rather than blogging here, I just put them on facebook. My work has kept me numbed and stressed due to the environment I am working with. Though I was hired to revamp the website for this study abroad program and write about cities, I feel like my job goes through unethical means that question how I was brought up, and taugh in school. Since I already ranted about that elsewhere, and I really don't want my boss snooping around one day on the blog and hearing her name slighted, I'll keep it to that point only. She really is a good person, just her personality is unnecessarily rude to her employees and her ethics very warped for my ethics level. I'm not a business woman, nor will I ever want to be, as I will not stoop so low for the benefit of a company.

After working there for 3 weeks, I feel like she sucks all hope out of human society, in which I almost would consider having a religion just to balance out the lack of hope in her world. It makes me want to have faith that human society is not so inane. I truly feel bad for her, and her employees who have to put up with her insults.

My time in China has been so busy that I rarely have time to do my laundry and truly spend time doing what I want during my spare time. So today I finally have a semi-chance to rest, and all I want to do is sit down and do absolutely nothing. Just think about life.

I've noticed how we strive for our goals, yet along the way we slip on a tiny pebble that prevents us from that goal oh so near. It's a little disheartening knowing that we are close, yet so far away. But things like that happen, and I wonder when and if I will be slipping on that tiny pebble someday.

Anyways, my goal is to make the world a better place, and I do wonder if my job does that. I think not...

You Push Until They No Longer Can Give

It is amusing to continue writing despite not being able to view what I write on the main page. Apparently I must have offended the Chinese government in some shape or form...maybe with the mushroom on Mr. mop story.

After working at where I do for the past 1 1/2 weeks, I have quickly observed the way of the workforce under a Chinese setting with a semi-western minded boss who has overstayed her time in the country. I say overstayed because it only seems that everyday day there has been reference to her dislike of the people and culture, especially their "disloyalty" to the company. As someone who tries to look at all aspects of her situation, yes, Chinese people (or well Beijingers) have been said to be quite lazy. The overall organization of the country tends to be lacking, especially in the area of office management. The country does not know it's left hand from its right, nor where the left foot is going while the right foot isn't moving. Then again, it's also a rising country, and with its size and population, I'm sure that has to be part of the reason. Heck our own US DMV system is still quite ponderous, as is Canada's socialist system in emergency healthcare, so who are we to criticize?

There are days when I personally feel frustrated with its system. Example: waiting to get crammed into one of the 3 elevators that take me up to the 19th floor of where I work...and spending 15minutes to finally get to my turn- which is longer than the commute to the buildin from where I live. Honestly that's quite a safety hazard; with the people pressing both the up and down button on the elevator wait when only needing to go down, and the narrow staircase, I hope one day I will not need to swan dive out of the office window as the quickest way out of the burning building.

Ah yes, back to the story of my boss. To vent out her frustration she has blatantly displayed all the wrongs of a Chinese person's way of thinking to her employees. These employees, as most of them only nodd or claim to understand, further frustrate her due to their lack of aid or skill. By having such a stressed out personality who constantly shows her disaffection to the country and its people, how can there be cross cultural communication within the office? Of course thre would be a strong resentment and goals to escape such a high stress environment for most of these poor employees. As for I, it felt like this is the lifestyle I should be suffering only if I ever decided to go to law school and end up working at a law firm. I show a large sense of impartiality to the situation during the entire multiple sessions she has spoken to me about it all. I understand where she is coming from; she used to be well paid, worked with a bunch of knowledgable colleagues, and has that drive to improve. However, she is also a workaholic due to the lack of family life, driving this energy into her employees to also do overtime without pay.

The only reason why I bring up this blog rant now is because the past week I have worked beyond my hours for now particular reason, and as tomorrow I ask for a few hours off and have that possibility of being taken out of my RMB 30/hr pay (note, it ends up being less than minimum wage in the US), the total number of hours I work, in terms of extended time, is meaningless even when taking a bit off in order run a personal errand may highly potentially be taken out of the pay. Point: there is only subtraction in the pay, never an addition nor a way to balance out the numbers.

All I want is an equal pay, balanced numbers which I feel I earn my keep. However, now I see a larger undertsanding in what the Chinese workers are facing against. Everything they do is seen as negative, and never a positive environment. If it were me (and I am basically there), I would be another disgruntled Chinese worker who just works without passion. Perhaps I'm not the right person to give this critique, as I tend to give harsh criticisms to my friend's papers to the point he took his laptop away from me, but for every negative criticism, there should be a positive one in return. Or heck, I'd be quite depressed working there and have no motivation to strive harder.

I write, but I cannot even read my own blog

My good karma deed for my roommate has turned into a slightly mental nightmare for myself. Sorry if below becomes an epic story.

So I got this full time 2month contract writing/editing job across the street where I live, helping them revamp their content. The boss is a little high strung, stressed, a bit of a workaholic, and semi single(which sort of explains it all) in her late 30's, early 40's probably. After day 2 or 3 being there, she asked me (as she was placing an ad for a long term position) if I knew of any other foreigners looking for a job, and as roommate whined of needing a job and asked me if they were looking for anyone else at my place, I felt this haunting conscience looming over me and thus I gave my boss her name. By wednesday, resume is sent and boss nitpicking at it and all and I just told her I don't like to be affiliated with the position picking process, Thursday there was an interview, roommate was hired as also a full timer (at first I thought the position my boss had in mind was a part time), and Friday I realized as roommate has her first day of work, I not only lose my personal online life as my boss has me on her msn and skype, but I also have to see roommate for more the the typical 1-2hrs of my life each day before I go to sleep. (I basically am out after work till 10:30 or 11 so I can prevent having to spent 3-4hrs talking to her after work).

So yesterday (Friday) after our first day of work today and she rehashes about my boss's insanity (she pretty much is but I like to keep the term for her diplomatic) I realized how if I had to deal with thinking about my boss during work, and then hearing more about her after work, I will go insane. Oh yes, and the fact since roommate is "easily influenced" well, my boss's hostile or irritated attitude has quickly rubbed upon her within a day, while I still try to keep a level head and not contract the crazy personality.

And I asked roommate if I could have one of her reliable teaching contacts to see if they were hiring and so I can make a bit more of side money to sustain myself. And she goes "Oh I can't give you james since he rarely gives me any (aka I have the potential threat of one less job for her)." But she's more than willing to give me the sketchy contacts where there is a potential I may not get paid in the end. It was then I realized how I was nice enough to get her a stable 5,000rmb/month job, and I don't get the same "I scratch your back, you scratch mine" type of help in return. And I wasn't even really thinking of calling the guy except it was nice to have that option.

In a way, that was the same way she treated the city weekend job when I asked her if she could find me an opening there. Oh yes, there's more. So after I realized I did not think I could stay sane with seeing roommate at work and dealing with hearing/thinking of my boss for more than my 9-5work hours, I basically told her that if I get offered the other 8 day teaching job in July, I will do that instead and tell the boss that I personally feel uncomfortable or something like that with dealing with my roommate for more than necessary at home and it is my own issue. Sort of like having to work together with your husband and then seeing him at home? The fact where work and personal life have fine lines. And after I said that she completely went ballistic and was like "STEPHANIE YOU CANNOT SAY THAT!!!" and just went off about how that would reflect on her blah blah.

And I'm just silent thinking whatever since I really don't have to deal with her when it comes down to my decisions. Usually it takes about 3 months before I get sick of a roommate, but honestly by now I'm quite irritated with her on the inside, while keeping a pretty indifferent outlook on the outside. Her money comes and goes like a gambler somehow, and yesterday she was completely broke. I have run out of places in the area to wander to, since I frequent sculpting in time way too much. It feels like I am constantly trying to escape from my surroundings and find a brighter place to hide. Oh yes, my roommate doesn't like the sunlight so the living room curtains are always shut when she's around and it adds to the depression of the shithole I live in. This girl is testing my patience and this is the second time within a 3 week period that she has definitely ticked me off for someone who doesn't generally get irritated about such issues.

WTF MATE, Who Slapped You With CHINA?!

China. When in doubt, it's China. Though that can easily be a motto for anyone during the time spent in this land, sometimes one still needs to raise a brow to the insanity that ensues in the country. You wonder, is it alright for the Olympics to be in this country in a year? I'm sure China is preparing and its locals are smiling greedily with yen symbols lit up in their eyes, but are we ready to enter into this world of disorganized crazy?For those who have been wondering what I have been up to when I write out those oh so brief emails due to sheer tiredness, I have been job searching. I counted the number of days I actually have been interviewing while in China, and it actually was less than 2 weeks even though it did feel that tragically long. I started my online job search on Tuesday May 22, then 13 interviews (3-4 callbacks after first interview), and 1 meeting in the span of Friday May 25 to Friday June 1. Finally amidst all that muck, I have 4 jobs: a full time writing/editing position at PRC China Study, private tutoring to a Japanese businessman basic English every Saturday morning, a 8 day summer camp teaching Chinese kids English in mid-July, and my not so well paid servitude job at CCTF leading a bunch of volunteers in revamping the entire organization. Mind you, this was all within a 2 week time span since I have landed.

Besides job searching, I have gone a day as a pseudo-lawyer, trying to fix all the issues with our apartment before signing the contract. FYI, make sure everything in the apartment works and don’t settle for less because one does not deserve less than what they have paid. Our kitchen light didn’t work. Our BATHROOM light switch was broken. The windows did not open in the living room, the hallway light did not work. And the landlord was an f*ing arse. For those who know me, I don't generally call people names, but he was that bad. Sooo freaking BLATANTLY rude. It’s like, uh hullo, you’re not exactly speaking below your breath, and we may be Americans, but we can hear just the same. If it weren't for roommate’s visa renewal that depended upon a foreign residency card, I would've kicked the guy several inches below the belt, given him the finger, and walked off with my stuff. The only way I made his life miserable was to elongate the entire contract signing process until it was under pretty much our terms. Even after signing it, he tried to take our money in any other ways possible by saying we were duped and really not paying the water bill (since someone comes to the door to read the meter monthly and that's when we pay, and he claimed he paid it at the bank) and asked for the receipts to prove we “paid” for it. Anyways, it was a good lesson to be learned overall and one should always have a handy Chinese friend to call for help as that's what friends are for, but man, seriously that landlord was the worst of the worst. Greed can devour all.

Yet wait, my apartment story is not finished yet. Oh yes, the grossness. So I was sitting on the toilet this morning in our dirty bathroom thinking about how it was a shithole and should get a cleaning lady to come since they only cost about $1/hr but you provide them the supplies. But of course, us being broke and roommate Kari ever so content with a dark bathroom back in the day before I came along(can't believe people showered in that place in the dark for a few months) we have come to conclude we did not want to spend money for the cleaning supplies. And lo and behold, I glanced over at the washing machine while still on the chair (yes the bathroom consists of a shower, sink, toilet, and washing machine all in one area) and next to it is where we place this raggy mop that came with the apt. I squint my eyes a bit as I was in disbelief, but I freaking saw a mushroom (YES, a MUSHROOM, FUNGUS) growing quite tall and lean on Mr. Mop. I was just like OMG. That's how dirty our bathroom is. Last week while I was in the shower, I tried mopping the floor a bit since it's pretty linty and gross at times and it was just so ugghh...It will take some time before I look at my favorite veggie with the same shroom love again now that I see one growing on that disgusting mop. I'm thinking how poisonous it must be ughhhhh.. The cost of living in that apartment: 6 years off my life. For everything else, there’s Mastercard. Haha yeah right, people here like it in cash, not credit.

So just as I was about to also assume I fixed most of my problems minus the fact I have not received my new credit card yet (as my travel agency charged my plane ticket twice and Citibank did not take it off in time for my billing cycle so they cancelled the old one and issued a new one for me- yet now today I got it and it turns out they have NOT REMOVED the extra charge from my other billing), I get smacked with another problem: I am homeless for fall semester as my fall roommate wants to stay in her summer housing since it’s cheaper, and didn’t tell me soon enough that I could have stayed with my old room with my old roommate since she offered to keep the place for me!! I'm sure humans are quite flaky but when I tend to give someone my word, and claim I'd do something, I generally tend to do it (Ie. Me going to Japan, going to Belgium, backpacking Europe and going to the countries I've wanted, etc.). Her only condolence to me was her Japanese friend who was in search of a roommate herself. But honestly, for the price to pay to live in the same room with someone, I could've had my own room and paid $100 less. Can I just mildly scream frustration??

Anyways, after talking to some people about grad school and how to pay for it, and with the comfort of Pat's suggestions, at least what I got out of it all was that I am probably going to stay in DC for some more time rather than just finishing up the semester, packing up, and going to some random place. I mean, I already know I'm going to apply for GWU for grad school, might as well stay in the area and get settled for once, as Pat calls it. Which for those who know me, and are the only ones glancing at this, I've only noticed I've been on the move for the past 2 years nonstop. I haven't stayed in any place for more than 3 ½ months before I pack up and go again. Though chucking away crap will always be a tad more difficult once you're settled eh?

Job Searching In Beijing

After all the initial frustration, I think I'm getting the hang of this job searching ordeal. I'm hoping it comes to an end soon, and ideally, I would like to work as a full time editor at BDA, and work nights and early mornings teaching English to the Makro employees. If that happens, then I will know my money troubles will be gone. I am hoping to dear life that things work out. I know it will despite all my frustration, I know it in my gut feelings it will.

Since I had 3 interviews, all in opposite ends of Beijing, I have learned more about the city, as well as improved my interviewing skills. It was definitely better than the one I had at the end of last semester when the lady asked me what my skills were ("uhm.. skills?....I'm international...but that really isn't a skilll....." errhhh yeah that's how it went). Being in Beijing really has taught me a lot of things, despite the rough spots I'm trying to endure.

Along with my happy thoughts, I got a facial and massage for free on Sunday. It was amazing, totally legit as first timers go for free, and the prices are so well priced that it would be ridiculous to never go anywhere but there for the quality and price. :) So I'm feeling prettier haha (do sing~ I'm so pretty oh so pretty).

~ Girl in Beijing...Stephanie

Fear of Falling

I noticed, as I delved into the age of 21 this past month, I have been getting this need to be more cautious . This unnoted sense of fear which I never quite had before. Hey, this is the same girl who shrugged her shoulders and just backpacked Europe for 5 weeks without thinking. Yet, at this age slowly sinks in about how old I have become, I feel this stronger sense of treading with caution ever so more. Is it this sudden unconscious realization for the fear of death? And thus, I continue to ponder.

As my time in China stretches past a week, I get more worried about sustaining my livelihood when I have not found myself a job. It is disappointing to say that people of my own "race" are doing reverse racism towards me. They would prefer stereotypical white foreigners with blond hair to teach their kids English, no matter how incompetent they may be. They would prefer this guy who claims to be from New Jersey, yet with this definitely non-east coast accent (I swear he sounds like a Lithuanian or somewhere from a Russian-based country) to get hired over someone who actually has the correct accent and skills to back up my resume.

China, really is a land of injustice. I do wonder how I am back here, but not that I'm second thoughts nearing regrets, but I'm still trying to find my place in this society. I am just a girl here who doesn't exactly stick out, yet doesn't exactly fit in either. Would that label me an official outcast?

Oh dear labels.

Walking Around With A Flipped Umbrella

So, I suppose China has been feeding rain seeds/rockets to force rain upon Beijing today. I woke up ready to start my day, only to realize that it was pouring rain outside. Umbrella-less and on my way to Sculpting in Time, I grabbed a frilly lilac colored umbrella near the door. It flipped the other way, like the type that would blow a crappy umbrella inside out, but appearing to be more natural. Feeling that I couldn't make it normal and it was, I repeat, pouring, I just walked out the apartment building with a oddly half opened flipped banana. Wish I had a picture of that spectacular moment. Luckily, around the corner at a shoe shop, where I attempted to ask where I could buy a new umbrella, the saleslady helped unflip my umbrella and got it working. Talk about how useless and unthrifty I felt, like some shallow rich girl who didn't know how to tie her own shoes or something so simple.

I talked to my best friend from NJ online today...she's not quite happy at this moment due to a variety of issues. I wish I was there for her, as we were supposed to spend the summer together in the tri-state area. Instead, here I am, oceans away with a crappy inernet connection. Heck, I'm not in Myanmar, so I guess I should be glad of my lifestyle. Yet, I do so wish I was there as a presence despite not being able to be of help in any way possible. I don't aim to be any supergirl, but my zodiac is a taurus, and a tiger, so I have a tendency of protecting the people around me.

Perhaps I have turned into a softie, but I generally have a soft spot for all my friends. Best friends especially. As she told me a sparknotes version, I was getting sad and teary (for no reason). Though it was no one's real fault except for timing, I wanted to fly all the way back just to beat people up to probably make me feel better rather than my friend. It's hard to describe this wretched feeling of not being able to protect my best friend from all that pain. Then again, it's about that time of the month when I'm quite pmsy so perhaps there is this feeling of sadness. (As I start making up this long dramatic song~ Saaaaaddd---neesssss)

Thus, here I am, back in China, where you can get a set meal for $2-3, birth control pills for $2,50, an abortion for about $60. Professional beggars on the streets, controlled internet surfing, an abundance of foreigners who only drink and party every night. Local Chinese who feel Americans are invading China, the growth of a bubble economy, Chinese who psychologically believes it is the righteous thing to do to rip off foreigners in any means possible. I do wonder how I ended up once again in this corrupted country.

Where the real estate agent and landlord combine forces to purposely rip apart foreigners. Lessons from the learned~ My rule of thumb, never mix personal and business together, it walks a fine line. You know there's something wrong with the picture when the translator breaks down crying in negotiations, it's about time your "building a good rapport" with that person is cut off in terms of business. Alway live with caution in China, as statements that seemingly fishy can simply be noted as lies, thus battle lies with time and arguments for righteousness. In any negotiation, don't let yourself be pushed or hurried, the main goal of the game is to get someone to follow your pace. If you let things slide easily and get rushed into something you're uncertain about, that's when issues arise, and the cheating is allowed. People are easily taken advantaged of if not careful, and I always have hated that feeling of being cheated.

I don't know how to really explain my time in China yet. It's been of the lazy sort, where I get a bit accomplished each day in terms of errands, but I wished it to be slightly action packed. This still artsy laziness was something I craved for, this alone time to contemplate, sometimes I wonder if it is too much of an indulgence. I'm sure it is healthy, but rainy days just don't agree with me for sure.

Back in Beijing

It's been the weirdest feeling to be back in Beijing. As I wandered across the road to the nearest internet, aka Starbucks, my sleepyness almost killed me as cars kept on honking pressing the gas pedal in full speed ahead.

I've been seeing the blue skies in one shape or form for the past few days. It has made me have a reason to believe that I made the right choice this summer to return back to Beijing. It really was a hard decision between China and Harry Potter. And EXTREMELY Difficult situation.

Anyways, the place I'm supposed to be renting for the next 2 months is quite....terrible. I mean, it's actually not a bad place at all if everything functioned properly...like the bathroom light, the hallway light, the kitchen light. Apparently my friends have told the landlord or whoever about it and they are not on top of their game in fixing any of those problems. Though they are quite adjusted to showering in the dark, the first day when they told me that, I felt like I was entering into some shithole which my good friends have called home. I feel like it's a terrible thing to call it as that, but I do like the apartment to be functioning and my roommate thought my friend (ex roommate) had told me and vice versa. I did indeed hear about a "sketchy bathroom", but in no way was it explicitly said that the light hasn't worked in there for the past several months. It didn't help the image of the cleanliness of the place after 5 people preceded to crash at the apartment over the weekend, and they were about to head back to the States, thus had all their luggage with them. Packing, plus pre and post partying at night, it is easy to say the apartment looked like a dump. Dear dear friends which I have no bitterness towards their stay in the apartment, but it does add to the image of the overall cleanliness of the apartment. By the way, did I mention the bathroom light does not work? Yes, I'm slightly bitter on that fact.

Thus, my first roommate discussion was about the rent ordeal and how I felt we were jipped considering how there are so many issues to be fixed at the apartment. Her only qualm was the need for a visa renewal, which requires a residency card, as if she does not get her visa renewed by Monday, she has the possibility of being kicked out of the country. I on the other hand, try to find a cheaper rental location, Chinese friends to help with the contract process, and ways to get everything I want in one shot without getting jipped. Being that my only worry is to make sure I make enough to balance out my debt of going abroad for the summer. It is the first time in a long time when financial issues are an immediate conscious thought. That's one thing about being in China: the constant feeling of being cheated on. I think that would be one automatic resulting in having a bitchy, pushy personality.

Me? A Pirate? Arrrgggg!

http://music.yahoo.com/read/news/43610153

So there's this issue of music piracy that's been going on for ages...only to have picked up in the "recent" years. LoL, I'm probably going to get some letter from the recording association just saying this because I do live in the good o'le US of A, but I do believe piracy is necessary for the growth of the entertainment industry and the recording industry is just being total pricks about it. Okay, then sue me. That's what America does best. Suing people. We have this thing about being total victims and receiving monetary compensation for being incompetents. It's quite sad that lawyers have commercials on tv...it really makes being a lawyer such a turn off because all they care about is money. Of course, somewhere deep inside their acidly cold heart (caused by the 3 years of law school- and 50+hr work weeks) there are some that have a something besides a brain. Okay enough with legal bashing, as I do have some friends that are lawyer wannabes. But it's all for the money, where's the life? I guess people do sell their souls in for financial benefits, but that's not really my style.

In this case of the music industry trying to stomp out piracy, well I say there's always going to be something illegal in the world. Get over it. I'd say be happy people are listening to classics and even knowing about those ditsy Blondie pop singers. If I had to pay $8 for their song, I might as well form my own band. heck we should all form our own band and swap each other's music. I seriously had this notion of forming this idea of "free music" after reading the article, who needs the in between of record companies cracking down of the freedom of copyrighted sound?

After being in China, there's this thing I learned about personal space. Or the lack of, should I say. We Americans have this love of personal space, I mean, so do I. But that also comes with the fact that we are rich overpowering arses who have the luxury of space. In China, where a good portion of what we consume might as well be labelled fake, they don't. They have plenty of pirated goods because they cannot AFFORD the real thing. If they could not get pirated goods, do you think they would be so knowledgeable about learning more of the American culture? Hence, I think not. Perhaps the record companies lose out on this revenue (which I doubt would ever profit if sold legally in China...maybe 10 years down the line when their middle class incomes can afford American prices) but the American government should be glad that they want to learn more about the American culture via watching pirated copies of Friends or Seinfeld.

Call it informal diplomacy, or even illegal diplomacy. Though claiming to stunt of the profits of the entertainment industry, to obtain monetary compensation from the poorer tiers of society only puts off the growth of the industry itself since the music will no longer be "promoted". Cracking down on the college kids, who already sell blood to afford an education, is really like picking on the weak. Those kids, plenty whom don't even have any assets and are already in debt, would have to further sell an organ to make the entertainment industry feel they are doing justice. Oh wait, or they can ask their mommy and daddy to pay for them. I'm sorry, I pay for my own college and if they sent a letter to me, I'd rip out my kidney and chuck it in their faces. Go sell that in the black market for your settlement you turds. Honestly, I'd be so put off by the crappy American music industry (if not already) I might as well listen to French pop and Latino Reggaeton.

Who needs American pop then? If we want blondies who can't sing but can do it for free, why not bring in some Scandinavians who wanna be famous? We're only supporting the ridiculously rich lives of stars and their plastic surgery. What? American Idol? That's supposed to support the dreams of the unknown? LoL, another scheme to make us watch some lame tv. When I channel surf my friend's Comcast, with well over 300 channels, I can still find it funny that I can't find anything interesting to watch.

Therefore the point of my rant is to give a good cold stare at the music industry and say "Shame on us? Shame on you!" I think there are better things to be disputed and legislated about in Congress and it's quite sad if Congress does try to pass some sort of rule to appease the music industry; then again, with the dire need of cash in our government and the entertainment industry's never-ending income and willingness to "give" and reign over the world, us normal citizens are only play puppets of politics, money, and the drive for power. It's quite pathetic if Congress does take up this lil bicker legislation as it definitely will show who wears the pants in this country, and how low the American government has fallen to.

The L Word

Lethargic, or Living out Loud? Well, that's about it for my title of the L Word.

So, I either have a million ideas running through my mind or I pass out and take several naps a day. I am on summer break, in hopes to achieve many things, yet it seems like the moment I am inside the house, I feel like taking a nap since I have nothing better to do.

It does feel a little surreal that I will be leaving in about 2 1/2 more days... Oh yes, must not forget that mosquito repellent. now that I think about it...

I think most of my friends get dizzy thinking about how much I travel. Honestly, it's really not much, but I might as well travel before I get too tired to do so. I've been breaking in my new journal, it's gonna be photo/artsy inspired. I'm totally looking forward to snapping more pics and printing them out cheaply in China. Almost forgot my goal there to be an English teacher.

Things I want to do in China:
1) Overnight Mountain Yoga Retreat
2) Weekend trip out to the beach
3) One random tourist location a week
4) Try a different restaurant each week
5) A facial every other week would be nice...
6) Someone to support my pricey lifestyle as well...lols jk.

I'm really looking forward to this different experience in Beijing. I'll really need to study harder, work harder, play harder. Oops, what was the point of this post?

My House

So I'm back in the Garden State.

It's Friday...May 11, 2007.

I will be off in another 4 days, on May 15th.

Time is getting cut shorter and shorter, as I run away trying to find some extra minutes or seconds hidden under rocks or in the lake. I find myself playing the piano again--I forgot a lot of it, the piano has not been tuned in ages, but there's this melodic soothingness that substituted for my yoga. It's been about a month since I last came home, and each time there's a slightly different atmosphere to it.

I just feel like dancing or drawing...sitting back on life and pondering about what the world means.

As I said goodbye to my friends yesterday, I realized how once again, my roots are uplifted and walking towards another journey. Some of those friends, I will not see again. Some of those friends, when I come back, will once again be changed. I will have to search high and low for my perfect little society.

Remember those years back in high school??

I was out with my roommate and her buddies last night as one of the guys said we should go to Rumors, a bar in DC, because he knew the owner's son and could probably get us free drinks. I'm more a fan of chill or fancy lounges or a place where we could dance, but who usually passes up the word free drinks?

So the guy sits with us at the table and since he was completely already drunk, he tells us how he knows my roommate's friend (or more like roommate's bf's coworker/friend/roommate). They did football in highschool together. And the guy was a year younger than the friend, who was the captain. Honestly, I could not have imagined the guy doing football, nor being captain due to his arrogant attempts of comedic relief personality. Then the drunken owner's son goes ranting off about how the year after he graduated from college (which sounded like a big accomplishment), all he did was drink, get high, and do coke. Fan~ta~stic.

But I started to look at the people around me, as I realized how we all came from different backgrounds, different places, yet as we are sitting there at that moment and our lives converged, who cared if we did sports in high school? Or a national merit scholar? Or the most popular person in the school? Yet, we allowed a small peek into our past lives, and we learn, hey there was more than 1 football team/"popular crowd"/academic genius out there, so I'm sure there were more of those people out at the bars. Ten years down the line, it would be sad if they were still riding on their high school fame and have not accomplished anything new. So we can talk about it, and it doesn't amount to much, and at the same time, those who linger on such small details of the past, well they definitely need to get over themselves. I'm not saying that the night was sour because of that event, nor anything of that sort, but I'm glad life moves on to greater achievements.

"Most of the time in our world, the truth is just an opinion"

Taken from Michael Ondaatje's Anil's Ghost. (Author of The English Patient)

This goes along well with an excerpt I read in one of those spy-detective-action Tom Clancy books where a guy (I believe it was a Catalonian or Bastian) who said the only reason the people who claim they are in the right is because they have the majority to back them up. However if the minority took hold and became the majority, that would be the new right. Well, something along those lines...I can't look it up because I read it while in Japan and that has been stuck in my mind since, and pops up from time to time. Though I'm sure that novel was well written before 9/11, it very well echoes the sentiments of terrorists who believe themselves to be freedom fighters.

And if you think about it, it is true. As well as the fact the "truth" is what we choose to believe, and those we choose to believe can be formed through an opinion. And sometimes we twist the "truth" around to deceive ourselves into the morally right way of thinking.

If we start philosophizing about this, might as well reread Sophie's World.

As time is racing faster and faster into the future for me, I realize how I have yet to stop for the friends around me, to say my final goodbyes to those who will soon graduate. I suspected a few of them when they say "Let's Hang Out" and I knew, that would never happen due to our time constraints and different group of friends that we have made since we last hung out. It was one of those- we weren't good enough friends nor do I want to be better friends and play the fake catch-up night out and waste my time. It is a bit of a pity for people to think that way, but it can definitely be read on people's minds when they say "we definitely need to hang out." I can honestly say in my cases that if you want to hang out with me, I will put your name and date on my agenda book and show up that day. If not, at least I have the decency to tell you before hand.

Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't. Most of the time, they really don't mean it and its quite obvious when they don't but they still try- not to accuse my friends of being shallow or fake, but sometimes it's one of those phrases "I'll call you" but it never happens. Then just don't say it, ya know?

I mean, sometimes I feel life around me there's just so many bullshitters. Perhaps that's what you need to do to join the rat race.

Being 21

I get to spend another 362 days of being 21. What have I learned so far in the past 4 days?

1) One of my friends think my life is a sitcom as the craziest things happen to me.
2) Vodka really doesn't go down my system too well
3) The blackboard website decided to mess me over with technology as my professor said she did not receive my final.
4) It's okay to admire strong people since that's the only way you can become stronger. That's what role models and mentors are for. :)
5) Just don't be too much in awe of them during the interview that you feel worthless.
6) Life is about laughter and having great people to share it with.
7) There are so many more people I wished I had the chance to meet and talk to, just the right moment never came up. Yet I am lucky to have became good friends to the ones I did.
8) You win some, you lose some. But in the end, life is short so live it up.
9) It's awkward receiving gifts, but people give them because it makes them happy.
10) It's great that I want to protect all my friends, but I'm no super girl.

What have I not learned?
1) What ever happened to my toe??!
2) Why is one side of my bum feeling bruised...
3) How the heck I'm going to JFK on May 15th...
4) How to keep in contact with all my friends as more of them graduate or leave the country...
5) Why I haven't kept in contact with more people from high school

It would be nice if my daily life had background music to it. But honestly, it's not that interesting, it's just plain random. :)

How Do You See Me?

In continuing my realm of self-exploration, my friend said how he was looking at my AIM and Facebook profile, and my jest of Stephism comes off to some people as:

a) intimidated by you
b) think ur full of urself
c) just like this is weird let me distance myself

Though the good thing is that no one knows I am online unless they are on my AIM buddy list, or see my facebook profile unless added as a friend. Therefore, in response,
a) I know people are intimidated by me,
b) some do think I am full of myself, I've heard them talk behind my back
c) Like I wrote on a ice breaker game "I'm weird but that's okay."

When I approach strangers with my -hey what's up- personality, they can either dispell all of the above, or think all of the above. I know that. I've had people tell me they thought I was scary at first, until they talk to me and think my experiences are really cool. Then there are people who only hear me talk about my background in terms of backing up my argument and think I am full of myself. Then finally there are people who I approach with "Hi person I don't know, I'm Stephanie" or randomly just start blabbering to them.

Backpacking 5 weeks through Europe alone can get pretty lonely if you don't approach others and "sell" yourself, meaning approaching some strangers and opening up a conversation with them that makes them intersted in hanging out with you.

I don't know what the point of babbling all that, but when my friend said I should tone it down since most people don't understand me and percieve me as the above, then I thought...do I really need to change to fit in with others? Do I actually want to fit in with others? And in reality, I realized, that I really don't. I am me, accept me for who I am. I don't want to tone down my personality for the sake of other people.