Irony of Me

This new idea of mine set in: How we are so consumed in our own thoughts that we sometimes cannot see through others. I mean the world is either complicated or not complicated. Just that we make it more complicated since we only think about ourselves. Heck, no matter how much I try to do simple good deeds each day, I have to admit (as I now see it), it's all about me, me, what I want to eat for my next meal, and more me. Of course, I also do think about my friends, but now I really think about it, probably 90% of the time, it is about my friends and how they are related are related to me. It's like- the problem with me and so and so person, and as I try to read and understand this person, I goes back to how this person and I do so and so. Apologies for the vagueness but this is related to ME (haha) and the vast examples I'm trying to put each of the random people I know in.

There are those times when I do think about other people. I mean, a good portion of the time I think about other people, try to feel how they feel (usually I do that when I'm bored and people watching), but I draw that back to me.

I forget about all this at times, close myself up in a box of Me, believe the world revolves around Me (in some weird extent) and become a close minded selfishness...the psychology in all this of me...causing self inflicted psychological pain for no real reason. The world is small, our lives are even smaller, so not to break it to you or myself, our little egos of Me's must take a step back and do a reality check from time to time. I tell this to myself more as I realized the roller coaster emotions of my weekend in human nature and observing people.

The Me attitude and the 'I don't care' attitude... are both in me. Which as I now type this up, sounds even worse as I realize the deadly combination of the two. I guess I haven't found the perfect formula in life yet.

I'm sure others have this issue too, but it was just something that I observed in myself this weekend.

Gut Feelings

I guess along with self-destructive, plenty of gut feelings take place but you go against it anyways. On my way to the library early in the morning- sucks to even mention that part, but I thought of the things gone wrong and how I knew it from the moment I made the decision. I guess I'm a pretty bad decision maker then huh?

Sometimes I feel like I settle for less but ask for more. So I'm never satisfied. Apparently in the nonprofit fund-raising world, that's good...having tenacity, but I just feel like days like today (when its wet and cold outside) I just don't want to deal with people. Or maybe that's me and my days of pms. Just days of utter bs where I don't feel like dealing with people. Like I tend to read people of course because it is part of human nature, and then I see how they are, and I give most a second chance to improve my readings since most are utter crap. I guess its worse today when I do more sit around and observing since I generally already don't talk too much (depends on who it is for sure of course). It's annoying trying to be a good person. Sometimes I wonder where the karma went.

What I Returned For

There are just days when a brilliant thought comes to mind. For me, I usually have ten million ideas racing through my head a minute, and suddenly I'd pull out a random thought and blurt it out loud. One recent thought that has suddenly popped into my conscience was why the heck I was back in DC when my mind is everywhere but in the country. That question has stuck with me the moment I made my decision to come back to DC, why trade a semester of being in Japan to be back in the land of politics? I mean, I don't regret having this amazing internship. But what else do I live for here if I feel so...stagnant? That thought looming over my head can make me spin in circles of contemplation. Then yesterday it finally hit me- it was to find myself. Aha! Reflection time. Thought I got enough of that in Beijing eh?

So I started to reflect on my personality. My character. (You can quite tell I did not do much schoolwork yesterday). How would I describe myself? Crazy (in a good outgoing way), loyal, honest, would I say ambitious? Words I felt certain about myself no longer deemed as true when I started to question my uncertainty.

I have to admit, this is the first time in a while since I have been so lost and open to the many options out there in the world. I love my brilliant ideas of going to any continent in the world, working, travelling, heck even working at a youth hostel to get by. Just anywhere in the world. My goal is to be in the Foreign Service, but what good would it do if I don't understand the culture of the world before joining? There is a tiny little bug in buzzing around me that nags about how I can afford all this, which never presented a problem before, but now I see how growing up and earning real money will have to do the trick. I've raised the funds for my university education on my own, so it only means more real hard work for my goals.

Then the amazing word came to mind. I was self-destructive. Well, perhaps. Let me roll along with this idea. This came from the multiple times I could've done a lot better academically, but I'd throw it all away in the last attempts. I'd go more in depth about it but I think I just like that word and learning more about it within myself.

So give me one word that describes me. Well, one positive and one negative. haha, my roommate gave me three though: bubbly, interesting, smart, respectively.

My ultimate fear (Part I)

In my dream it felt as though I was in some part of Madrid, some place where I faintly recalled going with a bunch of my hostel friends...a church or something historic...the weather was warm with a soft tint of the blue sky above. The street was rather empty. Nonetheless, I recognized my location (minus my hostel friends) and thought of walking back in the other direction perhaps towards the train station. Then I saw this huge billboard with a child on it, with the number 10 everywhere. It registered in my mind as shir-kuai (10yuan) and felt like an ad for campaigning to donate 10 kuai to the development of chinese kids. As I continued to walk past that large billboard, the roads became a little dingier and I immersed myself back into China.

There, I met a bunch of students that I instinctively knew were the new kids on the Beijing Program. I joined them, believing that I was back in China, and I had no idea why I was there. It felt as though I decided to stay there an extra semester. I thought- perfect, then I can finish up some internship projects I want to work on, and gave some of the people in the program tips about Beijing life. Then I heard the "oven" alarm go off and it was supposedly scallops or gratin (too much of that potato scallop commercial last night lol!) It kept on ringing, and I woke up to realize that it was the alarm from my roommate's room that was going off.

Yet I woke up with the the word "stagnant" echoing through my head. I mean the dream wasn't exactly a nightmare per say, but it made me think back to the time I told Rich how I felt about not going to Japan...that one day in DC I'd freak out, buy a plane ticket, and fly off. It's childish for me to say, but I don't feel quite as grounded in DC. Heck, I randomly bought a plane ticket to Venezuela in the midst that I was cold.

There isn't much here in DC that convinces me to stay grounded. Perhaps my mind is always floating around and restless, but I haven't found anyone or anything that had such a large weight on me to make me keep close to the ground. Sometimes in class, my mind is halfway across the world, walking down the cold winter roads in Brussels or laying on the beach in Corsica. I'm ready to take up an adventure again, throw myself back into the world and on the road...This feeling of being stagnant freaks me out at times...yet at the same time I feel a little tired, in hopes there is someone or something that I can lean on...

Karma

I don't recall exactly doing anything bad lately, yet it feels like my karma is out of balance. Okay, I'm Chinese, and we have plenty of superstitions, though I don't think Karma fits into that category. I am just wondering what I did that was so awful to make me feel this way. Would laughing at my brother about his mono be a cause? Or not making my friend those potatoes? Or maybe pretending to hang up on a friend because he said "after I hang up I'll have to start doing work". LoL, hey I was only helping him with the process. Okay I guess it only continues to become more ridiculous.

Maybe the fortune teller was right. In fact his comments did hit the mark right at the beginning of the year. I hate the idea of using a fortune teller to read my future, plus it was for entertainment. Yet, he has been right. Perhaps there is some level of fate in life after all.

Meanwhile, I'm in the attempts to fix my unbalanced Karma. I think the last time that happened so badly, I was at the Lama Temple and threw some coins into the wishing pot or whatever it was. With all this whole heartyness yet an empty stomach, I feel like a vegetarian.

I am sooooo special~~College Student Narcissism

So on my way to work, I picked up the Express paper, noticing an article on narcissism amongst college students. Ignoring it, I found some better things inside the paper, like my horoscope for the day. However, while at work on my computer, the article pops up again on msn news. So being that it seems like it's calling me to read it, so that is what I did.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17349066/?GT1=9033

“Unfortunately, narcissism can also have very negative consequences for society, including the breakdown of close relationships with others,” he said.
The study asserts that narcissists “are more likely to have romantic relationships that are short-lived, at risk for infidelity, lack emotional warmth, and to exhibit game-playing, dishonesty, and over-controlling and violent behaviors.”

Okay, I don't know who really did this study about college student behaviour, but I don't feel that narcissism with college students and the above quotes should go into an article together. I don't deny above said, but how can this "narcissim" be harmful? Okay, so some people are Over confident, and perhaps some do need a good dose of reality about the cruel world in finding jobs, but honestly, a bit of confidence never hurt anyone. Maybe this is MY NARCISSIST side talking here, but I don't think companies would want to hire someone who is an introvert, and can't make decisions on their own. Confidence is the key to life- and people who at least act like they know what they're doing, people trust them more (as opposed to calling them incompetent).

I'm not saying I support those actions above study stated, but who hasn't acted like that in their own times being a college student? It is the time to explore and have some fun before going out to the real world. Back in the older times, people would establish longer romantic relationships because this was the time they would be popping the question. Heck some people still do that now. As for others, they realized their life became a bit longer, they have more time to find their other half, to do more before having to feed extra mouths and raise a family. Violent behaviors? I say we're all violent in our own way, and that doesn't change through time.

I say this so called Narcissism is a necessity in our society especially at our age when we need to figure out who we are and what we want. Perhaps some are overconfident (I do know a handful) and in time they need a step back from society and have some reflection time. I don't think this article viewed college students in the best of light and I feel it is wrong to just accuse 20-some year olds of being self centered. We are at the time when we're either too young or inexperienced to get a job, or too old to fit into the kid mold. The expectations are high and the qualifications are just not yet good enough.

I believe in falling down and getting back up again in life. Life is about experiences. I'm sorry we're not barbie dolls with the perfect life and find the perfect matching ken doll to go along with our relationship. We make mistakes. And I enjoy knowing I can make those mistakes. We weren't born perfect, and we never will be perfect. The process is learning. We may exhibit those qualities, but I don't think there's anything wrong with it all. So stop judging us and take a reflection at your own life, author.

It all comes down to Politics

So on my big attempt to work on my 5 page paper/20min presentation, I sat down at the library for quite some hours, churning approximately 3 pages and thorough reading. As I was packing up for the day, I decided to read one last reading packet for my Japanese Political Economy. It was about Comfort Women.

Okay, honestly, the title didn't strike me much as I thought about it as perhaps housewifes and comfort food you know? But as I read on beyond the title, I then realized, (yes I'm a bit slow) comfort woman were basically sex slaves during Japanese portion of WWII. Can't really call them prostitutes as they were not paid, but merely used in excessive rape for Japanese soldiers so they would not go romping and raping women on the streets (which they of course still did anyways). I'm not going to go into the whole -men fight wars in order to hide their penis size- (oh do read M Butterfly, that was such an amazing line- "with the dicks the size of pins") but essentially boil it down to my thoughts of these Comfort Women.

I've read The Rape of Nanking, heck I read it a month before spending a year in Japan. Probably bad idea but I had to read it sometime in my life anyways. The abuse of women during war I guess goes along with the spoils. All according to past customs of "to the victor goes the spoils". As a Chinese American, I never really thought much about my heritage, my grandparents and such, having to deal with that portion of the past. At least not until I read The Rape of Nanking. My grandma was fortunate enough to not end up with such a scarring past, but a good tens of thousands of women did. In the Comfort Women reading, the issue was not only about compensation, but also the alteration of history.

I have a lot of angles to take this from. I've been to Japan, I'm Chinese, and I'm American. There's a side of me that wants to take the Chinese side- the fact that Japanese government never sincerely apologized. The compensation money to these women were privately (note: PRIVATELY) donated to those comfort women. Therefore, the government did not take any responsibility. Heck, it could have had the same liability has genocide in the Balkans with their treatment of women. But Japan was lucky to come off with a pretty clean slate.

Then there's the aspect of the Japan. Here, docile Japanese citizens, good hearted citizens, gave money out of their own pockets to make up for their country's past mistakes. Now, you can't say Japanese people are bad. So you say the Japanese government is bad! I mean, look at past prime minister Koizumi- he angered all his asian neighbors once a year just by going to the Yasukuni Shrine. So what is the government trying to portray?? I find it so interesting that Japanese citizens would work hard together to improve the country (I mean, look at us Americans?? We still bicker about silly religion when we could be out there doing good deeds!)

Then there's my American side. The I don't care a farthing. The it's the past, it's done and over with. Seriously, in terms of legal aspects, Japan has been quite lucky. The PEOPLE (not government) actually paid off another country to save their own face. If not, heck, probably half the governments would be committing suicide by now (perhaps both political and literal).

Then there's the victim side- does compensation money really help swallow the pride ones lost? Why is it we always try to play victim?

Then finally, there's the: the past is the past. Japan has done enough repentence. China and Korea should just move on.

And honestly, I wouldn't know how to answer this issue. Thank goodness it's not for me to decide then, eh?

Being Open

It's funny, I always feel like I'm a pretty outgoing person. Perhaps it's the training from being in the hospitality industry- waitressing, hostessing, working with people. I would put on this smile for all others, put them ahead of myself and get the job done.

Then when it comes to myself, I start wondering how the heck I shirk back from all that and put a wall up. As much as I do talk about myself, it feels like it's the same old recycled stories going through this computer brain of mine. I'd give the same rant to everyone, perhaps more in detail when it comes to talking with my best friends. I guess they come in forms of light hearted complaints and whines or extreme enthusiasm which then people don't need to take seriously. I guess those complaints are semi in the form of my feelings, but I never really directly say my personal feelings out loud (unless it's for some adamant cause in which I say loud and clear).

However, I think the only time I really sat down and had real tete a tetes with someone was with this friend of mine in China. I never really had to do such a thing and even though it was awkward, it was probably the most honest thing out there. And seriously, we would sit down and talk about our friendship with each other, our relationship as friends and fix the downs when we have them. I guess I never really had issues with other friends of mine going through the downs, but it was also my friend who brought the issues up and made me awkwardly sit down and 'fess up about what I really thought. I hated it each time since he was tugging at my heart but it actually worked.

I guess the point of this post was my thoughts on tete a tetes. Tell others what's bothering you (as my stomach is right now) and the amount people can handle. Sometimes when I do tell what's on my mind, it hurts some people. Some take offense, some take it as a real eye opener. I've had to deal with hearing both. Heck, people actually admitted it to me. So here I am, wondering once again whether to be diplomatic in my approach or to really smack people with a sense of reality.

Goals and Dreams

For my phone interview for my internship, one of the questions asked was: "What do you think is your biggest accomplishment?" Well honestly, I wouldn't know how to measure that. So I told them, sure some people think that me knowing at least 3 other languages, studying abroad, etc is my big accomplishment. Probably my parents thought the fact I am going to college (first generation college student), getting a bunch of scholarships etc, is my biggest accomplishment. As for myself, I honestly wouldn't know, and so I told them that having a goal in life was probably an accomplishment in itself as many people really won't have one.

Well, I got the internship for those who wanted to know and currently loving it. But that's not the point of this post.

Lately, I've opened up my creativity to have way too many goals. Here I was, hoping to be a diplomat, work for a few years dabbling in all sorts of government related diplomacy, then use my knowledge to work on international (aero)space relations (yes I'm a lil crazy as most people never heard of this area) as some sort of ambassador.

Yet, as of last semester, I started to work on a proposal in trying to get an exchange program started for Spring Bud girls, disadvantaged chinese girls trying to get some schooling in. So I was figuring these disadvantaged kids would have such better futures if they were able to get overseas experience with the funding of some organization, like Rotary. But Beijing Rotary is a bit of a letdown (will have to call them up sometime), and the more I ask for ideas, the more I get. I'm afraid, as my boss keeps on telling me, I'd make a terrific professional NGO worker. If I am not that already. If I strive on this proposal, then I'll be consumed with this my entire life...which is my fear.

I've always loved this sense of stable instability. That's how I roll with my adventures and that is how I continue to live such a spontaneous life. I'm a workaholic towards my ambitions. I want to live and make a difference, make the world revolve (in a good way). I'm not saying my future is far from closing in, but at the same time, there are so many roads to take that are slowly being more...narrow. I guess along with that stable instability outlook, it is the same with the secure/insecurity thing. temporary/permanence. I guess I'm afraid of many silly things in life, one being that I might be in the Asian specialty my whole life. Stuck, as one may call it?

There's just so many tasks in my life that just needs to be done like a checklist.

Afraid to Be Alone?

I'm not sure if I am reiterating this but there is a sense where everyone is alone in this world.

I'm very simple minded in many ways. I've been alone most of my life, of course with family and friends to always be there for me. Yet the basis of what I do, I do on my own. Reading a bit of Kimi wa Petto last night (procrastinating on some paper/presentation writing), I thought about human nature and the reliance of others. Actually, I rely heavily on friends- they are the pillars of my life. And especially for my best friends, they know, that I'd always do whatever I can to be there for them when life goes wrong (and they also know I have an attention span of a squirrel so I suck talking on the phone).

Reliance on myself. As today is Valentines Day and there is a thought of gift giving involved, well, I really don't see much of the commercial holiday as I am also at work from morning to night helping to run a conference, then heading off to night class.

Simplicity. I'm sure a lot of people can get those chocolates, gifts, and cards. Then there are those girls who want some extravagant gift just to show off to whoever they are around. I guess that's cool for them, but being that I learned to surivive on the bare minimal (looks at closet and rethinks the statement... okay I guess I accumulated a bit in China), I only almost need what is necessary. I also get those days when I can always deck out all my Tiffany jewelry and act like some vain princess, but it's too much effort (plus it's heavy!). I own my own gemstones, I buy what I want, so honestly I really don't need much in this world in terms of materialistic goods. Maybe some Vivienne Westwood if you work there. Gucci, Chanel, Prada, Louis Vuitton, all overplayed. As much as I love chocolates, I can't eat a full box of Godiva in one sitting. Maybe Ferraro Rocher.... But it's the small things that count, things that I can remember.

LoL, like times in Germany when we painted the town red. And that delicious meal I had in Koln on New Years Eve. That unique restaurant in Tallinn that was set in the Middle Ages. Pizza (that burnt the roof of my mouth) after clubbing. Laying on the windy beach falling asleep in Cyprus. I can go on into a different post on this some other time, but honestly, I've learned that not many gifts do surprise or excite me now. Though I did give a weird look to the twig in my bag my friend threw in there (China), smile when my mom gave me a ring or a necklace (hey I've got only one neck, can't wear em all), etc...

So I guess the point of this post was initially a thought about when a friend of mine when we were in China asked me why I was so afraid to be alone...I wasn't. We need our alone time, but knowing we only had 3 1/2 months with each other, I thought hey why not make the most out of it since I won't ever see them again. So I wanted to spend more time with them. Perhaps deep down I don't like being alone, maybe not afraid. Perhaps at times when I try calling my friends, all of them are out of reach...maybe then I am simply...alone.

Relationships, How Far Does The Network Stretch?

Relationships are quite important in building bridges amongst people. I mean, of course no man is an island. The connection made just passing by someone could be a potential relationship, a spark--and that's the beauty of it all.

So now, as I was sitting in my International Law class with a bunch of future law school kids, the professor is painting a grim tale about the cons of being a lawyer, and one's probably success working in a big firm. The key to it all is networking.

Being quite confident of my resume and networking skills, I felt like I did not have this problem. I may not ever go into the business of law school and be required to smooze clients, but I do have the connections I need to build a level of trust and understanding in the NGO and (hopefully sometime later) the government. I've worked in the "strategic advising" (aka lobbying) area while I was in Belgium, pure NGO (though will nationalist undertones of course) in China, and now I'm quite confident my work at NCIV will only cultivate more relationships and the areas of my interest: (public) diplomacy. Perhaps not so much in my long term goal in international aerospace relations, but I will work my way in eventually. I've always enjoyed fancy events and hanging out with older people learning about their jobs and expertise- and in some sense I have been networking. Anyways, this wasn't post wasn't supposed to be about me and my bragging rights in my own blog, but it was the introduction to thinking.

How much are you willing to sell your (soul) self in order to make it to the top?
It made me think of a girl I have come to know on my trip in China. She was very good at this skill, knowing that connections were the way to go. In fact, one of the first week we hung out together, she did explicitly mention that with my line of goals (I want to be a diplomat) perhaps she'll look me up some time later in life and we should keep in touch. I never really thought much about it except the exchange of cordial relations of being classmates.

At first glance, she was an amazing strong person. Open, gorgeous, athletic blond. I have to say on some level I admired her and her goals (of law school, being in so and so), her desire to be successful. Plenty of life experiences by the age of 21 which had made her mature. She was definitely driven.

Then as most may know from knowing a group of new people- everyone usually hangs out together and eventually drift into their own cliques. Well, she drifted into one that was more known to be the party group (mostly boys) from her school. I did not think much about it as it is understandable people from the same schools tend to group together better, as I branched off into one of my own. In due time, she was with this guy which quite made everyone question her taste.

I hate to pull the beautiful girl with the ugly guy stereotype since interest is definitely beyond looks, but she kept on persuading me, the roommate, and our other friend, that he was sweet and they have a good time together. Okay, I'll accept that since I would often give people a chance. Getting sexiled for it is a different story, but I won't get into that.

Then, comes ugly guy jealousy. Girl also enjoys talking to people (who wouldn't, it's a basis of life) and it so happens that half of this world population is of guys. I guess somehow there's a reason why ugly guys are ugly, they have confidence issues that when there is jealousy, they only get uglier. So she and the guy go out with the group every weekend to party, he assumes that whenever she talks to a guy she is flirting, and they end up fighting. He also calls her a blond ho just for jokes (which she doesn't mind, but on my scale, it would). They fight, kiss and make up, new week starts.

Finally, girl does a Girl's Night Out, having fun drinking, dancing (with guys for fun duh), doing girls stuff. Girl goes back to dorms early morning to say hi to guy, ugly guy accuses her first off the bat of her making out with random guys (which she did not do in the course of the evening), and being inebriated, she finally does her strong lawyer type argument and exclaims, "I don't even know why I'm with you" and breaks it off.

Therefore ugly guy mopes and mulls for the weekend, sulks some more to friends and brings up the courage to talk to her 48 hrs later. Somehow the apology and communication work out well and in due course, they are back together while friend and I look on saying "why the heck would she inflict herself with such an tard?"

Long story short, I hear weeks later talking to my friend about the girl and ugly guy relationship, and it turns out she did it because "his parents are so and so (probably not much) and so he has connections that I don't want to break off in such a way." In the course of spending time with this girl and hearing her stories about the type of people at her school (basically rich girls going to find well-connected husbands), she has told me how she sometimes would act and be like one of those girls when hanging out with girls of that clique.

But her true form was just a chilled girl who loves wearing cargo pants, with a childhood story of extreme financial difficulties. Instead of drowning in this difficulty, she chose to swim and overcome it. However, I wonder, did she lose herself in the process? This girl, with a heavy lump of life experiences that included a quickly failed marriage, strong athletic training, ambitions to rise in the real world...

I never can imagine selling myself to such an extent that there might as well be a multiple personality disorder in place. I sometimes put on a fake smile just to keep the day going, but never join in a crowd where I joined in just for networking and hating it.

I guess I have been quite fortunate in my daily endeavors not to be quite worried for my future or the flow of cash; all I want is a bunch of good friends, an enjoyable job where I help make a difference, and an efficient amount to live on. I don't need $150,000 a year, long work hours where I live at the office, and no life.

By the end of the semester (in the 2 weeks of travelling), the girl and I probably only had 1 conversation that lasted less than 5 minutes. I suppose I was no longer needed in her network. I wonder, years from now, will I be recieving an email or phone call from her? Or will she wake up one day realizing the depth she has fallen from her true self, lost in ambition and fake people around her? This girl, high in values, yet what did she stand for?

This post isn't to insult her (for those reading this and may think you know who it is), but to question the necessity of networking and the extent one must change their personality to fit into the real world mold. guanxi, that's where it's all at.

It's Cold, I'm Outta Here!

As I cannot contain my excitement from my impulse buy, I decided to share the news here. I'm off to Venezuela baby!!!

So the day before while I was at my internship, I decided to look up plane tickets to random places. I checked up Caracas (CCS)...London (LON)... yeah I know plenty of airport codes right off the bat...Osaka (KIX), Beijing (BJS), Duesseldorf (DUS), Copenhagen (CPH)etc.

At first, I never really thought I'd buy it since it just became a weird hobby/habit to check up plane tickets every now and then for the sheer fun of it. Then I saw that it was a lot cheaper on Orbitz, than on StudentUniverse. I told a few people about my idea just for conversation, then on my way to work today (as I have a 1/2hr commute) all I thought about was formalizing this idea of going to Venezuela in my head, going somewhere warm for the spring break. By the time I got to work, I checked up airline prices, called up my dad to sort of "confirm" I'm going to do this, then bought it during lunch.

I'm heading out to Venezuela to see one my best friends for spring break!! I haven't seen her in about 2-3 years. Yeaaa I'm gonna party it up since it's gonna be one of my last vacations before I graduate! (heck who am I kidding, it's gonna be the first of many trips in 2007).

Who I Write For

I write for myself, I write for those who feel like reading, I write for those who want to walk at my pace a bit and reflect on life. Haha, I feel like I do that a lot.

I do not write for my family, friends, enemies, or acquaintances. If they do find this page, sure go ahead and read. But I hope that they find me much more livelier in flesh than in words.

I guess I've also been writing a lot lately since I have a bit to say, and not many people to turn to. I have the command of the world, but what is the use if they are not interested?

And here I am wondering, and have asked one of my best friends, who I really am. Perhaps I have been thinking too much about my resettlement back in DC, embracing the cold culture shock of people changing around me, it is like that fairytale where the man goes dancing with the fairies in his backyard and a minute in fairyland is worth several years in reality. I ponder whether those 2 semesters in the outside world costed me close-knit friendships that could have formed in college. As here I am, with the remains of scattered numbers and pages of the past.

Here is a girl, who can tell you all about backpacking throughout Europe, laugh at tales told by fellow backpackers about what they have seen wandering from country to country, perhaps not spit like a guy, but lived among them enough to drink and crack jokes that would make most dainty girls turn their heads in utter disgust. I most likely have accumulated more guy friends than girls throughout this time, and can pull up a handful to chat with online at almost any minute. If I need a place to stay in most parts of the world, have a nice warm meal, I'll be sure to find plenty, especially in Austrailia. With these travels and talking to random people, I have grown an obscure network, so I know people in all sorts of places, jobs, rankings, whatnot. Honestly I really don't care about all that, just the people and their hearts that are behind those silly titles.

Yet when it comes to being a simple girl trying to understand a guy beyond the level of friends, I am dumb. I've noticed that this past weekend. I've never needed to understand it really- it would be a simple life of amusing jokes, beer, food, whatnot- I guess I was a spoiled princess in some sense. If there was a cheap cliche that actually sometimes works properly, perhaps women are from venus, men are from mars. I have tried quite arduously to fit my mindset on what a guy thinks; there is an extent to how much of a tomboy I can be until I end up with a brick wall. The analyzation of human thought really isn't much up my alley though I like exploring the area. Oh do tell things to me directly and to the point. I may direct the way the world turns, but I need someone to direct me as I really need a break from leading at times. Perhaps that's too much work for a guy nowadays? And for those who may know me and read this, I do not bite (well maybe a few times before), I just need things to make sense and not waste any more time pondering as my schedule is quite booked up and there is an empty space in areas that were waiting to be filled with fun. Post isn't directed towards anyone particularly, just another analyzation of the complexities in human behaviour.

The People I Meet

My mom always said to never talk to strangers. I think I broke that rule pretty quickly. I have a random personality that makes me want to be curious about what other people are thinking. Their lives, their obscure thoughts, their ideas. I mean, the woman rushing to cross the street, where is she heading, is she late for work, or heading back to make dinner for her kids? Our lives are so connected- of course most of the times when we do take a glance towards someone, it is quickly broken and back into our own world, our own lives.

Heck, I can talk the this woman sitting across the table from me at the library and ask her about her lifestyle as a vegetarian and make a new friend.

I had the opportunity to indulge in this talking to random people when I was traveling in youth hostels. In Nanjing, I met this guy who was going to make it to Paris overland in 3 weeks via Russia. Since I only knew him for less than a day, we still talked a little bit and exchanged emails since he said he would be in DC in February. So come February, I meet up with him to hear of his adventures and learn about his life.

So here's this guy, on his final semester of grad school, going to Duke. His main goal: to find ways to prolong the inevitable: work. For someone who originated from Texas, found his way to San Fran, lived on an island, now in NC at Duke.

My week has definitely been interesting with amusing people. For dinner entertainment, I talked to his guy about how he truly believed he was "retired" and lived off the money he saved, hopping to the 'burbs of San Francisco. In this retirement stage, he thought "so, what do people do when they are retired?" - Ah yes, build a garden. So, in this room he rented with a backyard, he made a garden. However, little did he know that the 'burbs he lived gathered all the leftover clouds from SF and kept it looming around. The lack of sunshine also produces depression, so in time, not only did his plants die, but his mood slowly got worse. (Now everyone knows why all the retired old people head down to Florida). Therefore, he needed a job. He somehow obtained a job at the National Park...on an island. Just so he could try to live on an island. So all was well living on the island. Along the way he somehow travelled parts of southeast asia.

So I got the opportunity to see some of the photos he took. http://www.handycaddy.com/man/winter_2006/

This one is of the lion is particularly amazing. He was trying to jump up to get the teasing jacket and that was when he was breaking his fall. It turned out the lion actually got the jacket in the end, and now parades it around the ring like a trophy, even sitting on top of it during his non-parading time.

Changing times

No matter how much I try to forget, I am still in DC. I don't know how I am supposed to feel about that. I've been contemplating about this for the past month now. I'm back in the US. I keep on telling myself things are fine, and I just need to get settled in, but I find myself longing to fly away. I wish I had something heavy enough to keep me grounded sometimes.

I found myself looking up plane tickets while I was at my internship. I say I do it just to see how the prices are in the aviation market, but I am thinking deep down...perhaps if I find one just the right price, maybe I'll just buy it then and there, and really fly away.

But I've kept to my resolutions. I've been trying to smile a lot. I've been talking to random people and been quite interested in their different lives...I start wondering about other people. Trying to put myself into their shoes- what they do, what they see, what makes them the person they are. I'm not quite as successful there, but I try...maybe I am still too shallow and selfish. I am quite selfish...I live for my goals (as most people) and everyday I eat drink breathe study thinking about the months to come for my jam packed schedule.

Sometimes in class, I talk quite loudly, voicing my opinions...I wonder if it is because I want to be heard, not be one with everyone else. I think of the friends in my past study abroad programs, and sometimes wonder about their personalities and actions. Why people get drunk, get high, whatever. Perhaps it's a self confidence issue...to be under the influence. I mean I cannot say I am confident, as sometimes, I also wonder,

The tiger that roars, am I really just a kitten?

In my Nonviolent theories and methods class, there was a guest speaker, Jack Healey- who used to be Amnesty's director. To see a man of that age, and still have the stamina to fly around and have goals in which he fights for...I strongly admire that. His presence, though I never even knew him before (and since it was my first time in the class, I mistook him as the professor since he sat in the professor's desk), sent a wave a of hope and admiration with his amazing stories of how he helped change society with nonviolent means through music. There's more about him on this website: http://www.thefreedomcampaign.org/about_jack.php

Here I am, just a girl who imagined NGOs really had no effect. Yet this one man stand organized a couple people to make a difference.

As much as I say I will join the government to have things turned inside out, how will it be? How will it be? Will years later, when I am old, will I still be trying to make a difference in society, or just turn old and weary?

Step by Step, Day by Day

I've got to say that despite the chaoticness of life on certain days, I'm doing pretty well. I enjoy running around like some crazy lady, multitasking. Oddly enough, I've fallen 3 times since being in DC in a week and a half. Somehow I slipped/tripped on myself. I do wonder how that happens to me, but I no longer question it and laugh at it like all those who also witness the event. LoL.

I'm still crashing at my friend's apartment, and I actually found a place that is nearby campus to sublet for about 2 months, starting February 23. That's when the girl flies out to Thailand. It's about a good time for me, especially since it's after my internship's national meeting from February 14-17, then along the time with some exams and papers. As long as my friend doesn't get sick of me hanging around it's all good. I'm quite glad I have still a handful of people I know in DC that are willing to give me a helping hand, it means so much to me after learning so much as changed in the past few months. It's like- yeahh, I see some people I know around campus and they sort of just look in shock that I'm back. I suppose a year is long, and I've seen the effects it has had.

Then I just joined this Society for Peace and Conflict Resolution, where they have a one day conference in March, which seems amazingly cool. They will publish a book on young leaders in today's society, and how they are leading the scene working with little funding and many events. So I brought up my case about my proposal to do student exchanges with disadvantaged Chinese (preferably female) students. I have been trying to work on different fundings that won't make the rich students take up all the opportunities.

Sometimes when I talk, I do wonder what comes out of my mouth, if it is coherent and logical. Especially when I speak in my Japanese Political Economy class, where I claimed according to my experience in China, perhaps corruption in a 3rd world country that is attempting to build itself up really isn't a bad idea. I'm awfully silly, and I do sometimes wonder how people keep up with my awkward pace.

Back to Reality

Ever since I moved back to DC, things have picked up pace. There hasn't been a single day this week when I woke up later than 8:15 and gone to bed after midnight. I've been running around since Tuesday, going to classes that I frankly did not know whether I was required for it. I've went to a total of 5 classes, 2 of them I'm not going to be taking this semester. blah. I've decided to take only 4 classes this semester since 3 of them are going to be pretty hard I believe.

Been staying with at my friend's apartment with a biting cat...the cat is cute I just wish it didn't bite. Plus I feel bad for bumming over at his place for quite some time since I wake up so early as well and by the time I get back I'm thoroughly exhausted and just pass out. Hopefully I'm moving to my other friend's apartment so I won't be as much of a bother.

Found potential house as potential roommate already sent in the application to rent the place. I'm still wondering whether it's the place to be...I've got to see the rooms. I just want to be settled, and I've got my hands tied up in all different directions. At least it's near a bus station so I don't need to worry about transportation to my internship.

I'm slowly getting life sorted out...my mind is always running with things to do...thinking of times when I was in another country just going out with friends...I'm not too worried about anything really, but just passive stress that makes it hard for me to go back to sleep if I happen to wake up in the middle of the night...or I hope I don't talk in my sleep thinking I'm awake.

I'm quite possible to graduate a semester early...just something I never imagined since I always thought of myself going for all 4 years. But I might just do so in order to save some money. Never imagined money to be an issue though I absolutely don't have much. Life is throwing me random teases in addition to what I need to get done, where I just take in a deep breath, and though its not a big problem, I've just gotta solve it.

Letter Graveyard

I was browsing around on livejournal, and saw this thing called letter graveyard. It's for people who have written out letters to fully express their feelings towards someone/a situation, but never sent out. I read through a few pages, of course they were always the extreme of emotions of course- love and anger.

Maybe all those letters and the author's stories should end up in a collection labelled "Book you should bang your head on." Quite appealing, ain't it? I think there I would contribute one myself then.

Then I read through a few more letters. Some had comments in them, so I browsed a few of those too. It turned out that others could relate and felt that same letter could've been written by them too. It's sad to know so many people have been cheated on, been the cheater, told some lies; yet there are so many unrequited love letters to balance out the effect and mellow out the tone. So I thought, how different and similar are we all?

Here I am, trying to write my own story. I've always wanted to be different. Yet, amongst the many who study International Relations, a good portion idealistically want to end up working for the government or an NGO. I suppose I am part of that rat race.

Soon, I'll be part of a number of graduating students scurrying off to find a proper job. Honestly, I don't feel I'll have too much difficulty in the employment area with my current resume, so that cuts off another portion of similar stories.

Then the struggle for success, recognition, and the ideal lifestyle that was implanted in most of our American dreaming brains: a pretty house with white picket fences, a spouse, and 2 kids. Green grass, chirping birds, shiny cars, and uhhhh, hello? Welcome to divorceville, population: more than half this country.

Seriously, this struggle is faced especially in career women; we're not like those dreamy Japanese housewives where once they are either married or have a kid, they would say at the office, "Thaaaatt's it folks! I'm outttaaa here!" No, I have goals to improve this world, and to face the decision of balancing a family or career, well the latter comes first. So that decision hacks off another good portion of the rat race.

I don't know why, but I love trying to be different from everyone else. I am not sure if that is because there is something I want to prove. However, I always like to do something a little different. And even all my friends are the same, yet constrastingly different from myself- my best friends come from all different countries and faiths. What I love about my best friends are that they complete me, and what I lack, they make up for- ending up as my arm, a finger, a heart.

What am I? As much as I love being different, I also love relating. I remember at times when I was in China wondering about the lives of random people passing me by. The way they would hurry across the street, I wondered if they were married, what they were thinking at that moment. Maybe what to make for dinner, or when to pick up their kids. Then I'd sometimes think of my friends, those who I know well. I would wonder what they thought of in certain situations, initial reaction to an amusing situation, having them be with me in spirit.

Perhaps I am still trying to discover more about myself. Please let me know something about myself that you feel I should know. Well, the rest is still unwritten.

Kindness is not forgotten

A random note crossed my mind last night as I was in bed about to fall asleep. I suddenly thought about this nice couple from Philadelphia that I had met in Pisa- Jon and Joan. They were like the State Farm Insurance company commercial- how one does a good deed and another person noticed the action, touched, and does the same. This continues the pattern of good deeds. They, within a span of half a day and probably less than 30 Euros, made my day and really believe in strangers doing good deeds for others.

Those are the types of people I have had the privilege to meet and touched my the bottom of my heart, motivating me to make sure I mind the people around me.

Meeting You and Me

Just copying and pasting some past reflections down taken from a personal 3rd person piece. Smile and do a good deed today. :)

Paths often cross between two people for a reason.

At this intersection, they have a choice whether to stop and greet each other, and to open themselves up to a potential friend. It only takes that split second to decide whether or not to extend that connection, five minutes to learn about someone, another ten to be friends with them, and perhaps a lifetime to forget. That initial connection is like plugging something into an outlet and a small spark appears. We cannot turn back time but continue to do our best to make up for the time that was lost and enjoy the rest of life without sadness. Life was about karma, keeping a perfect balance between the good and bad. When the time comes, we all separate back onto our own paths and walk alone. It is a pity for sure. Life is about meetings and separations; if there was another chance meeting that was forged by fate, destiny would take its role. There’s only an extent of decision making that is controlled by our two hands, however she still did not believe there was a god that weaved all these meetings.