A lot has happened in the past 10 days. Long story very short, Pretty much, a change of course in my future plans. I never felt as freaked out as I have been the past days as I contemplated about the future of my life. I was supposed to go to Japan, had second thoughts, then based it all on whether or not I got a scholarship. Well in the end, I didn't, and strategically (though financially more), it is best to be back at AU. So that's where I decided...as I claimed, officially. I still have time to decide, and as Zach had calmed me down earlier on Sunday (thank goodness he was around), not to count my chickens or eggs before they hatch. Or some similar analogy. After talking to him, I felt so much better as I was going insane about my decision to be back at AU.
After reading an email from my Japan advisor, Heidi, who responded to my "I might not be going to Japan anymore" she made me feel positive of all my decisions. I laughed about my worried feelings on Sunday as it was the first time in years I have felt so mentally unstable with decision making, and felt like I might just as well end up going to AU, take courses and all of a sudden come end of March, and I just book it and fly off to Japan.
Honestly I feel like I have nothing to keep me grounded. When someone asked me where do I want to be, I don't know. Anything has been good as long as I was off and around the world. Nothing has intrigued me long enough to keep my interest and made me feel like I had a place there. Perhaps travelling is my drug of choice...I don't know how it all adds up financially, but I guess it would be almost the same price?? Though saying travelling is my hobby sounds more...sophisticated. LoL, imagine if someone wrote "using drugs" in their list of hobbies...eerrhhh kay.
As people started counting down, which I have down for the past months, I feel like this time I finally have stopped counting. I have decided to just things go with the flow, and finally am back to myself. It's a nice feeling going back to normalcy. I've also noticed how I had this sudden realization that I'm over with seeing some good friends I have made here. I'm quite sure I'll see Bennett and Jon around at AU and hang out with them, but some people that I have been hanging around so often I know I definitely won't see them again. Like "ohhh I will come visit you!" etc etc bs. BULL. 99% of them, I can definitely tell it'll be "seeyaaa!" and that will be that.
I know I'll be in Boston for sure seeing some peeps, visitng my bestfriend, killing two or three birds with one stone. But besides that, all of a sudden i look at some and think- well, you say those words so openly that I definitely predict it will not happen. Don't both to even say you'll keep in touch when you don't mean it. I've travelled long enough to pick out who is going to make the effort.
I guess that me being back to normal, I have noticed more and more people's real faces and though I thought I knew some people real well, I can just predict that another layer will just show a face of lies. Then start wondering how long they have been lying and putting up that fake face, or like which words are full of bs. I try to keep my word so I know my deal. But besides that, life is just full of lies, and liars who tell them.
I decided not to take any more shit from people and just do things my way from now on. As one lady said to me outside of Shaoyuan 5- "explanations- friends don't need em, and enemies don't care". If you're a real friend, you'll also take that iniative to approach me first without having to say so. But I have that feeling that, well, if we do meet again in a chance meeting or effort, then it's meant to be that way. But besides that, I'm just to realistic.
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